Anyone else notice that they donât seem to have as much cutlery as they thought they did?
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All the townies who have been driving to the Forest to âself isolateâ together have been leaving the gates open so that they donât have to touch them. Now we have animals all over the place.
Knobheads
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My partner trying to do a google hangouts with his elderly parents. Theyâre on the phone as itâs not working. Not sure whatâs going on. Could be a while. Meant to go for our permitted walk but itâs looking a bit rubbish out.
Maybe a film and reading day.
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Bored now, and a bit fed up.
Just had a knock back from that NHS volunteer scheme - theyâve got enough gynaecologists apparently⌠Just waiting to hear back from the breast clinic now. 
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Pandemic Golf
March Madness is cancelled, the NBA is shut down, the Masters is postponed, and my Aunt Margeâs senior bowling has even thrown in the towel. Now restaurants and bars are closed, and our 40-handicap governor is threatening to shut down all entertainment facilities including golf courses. I have not tested positive, but the coronavirus is killing me.
There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. My wife suggested we take a walk, but I donât walk anywhere unless I have a golf club in my hand and itâs cart path only. My kids have a restraining order on us and wonât let us come within 200 yards of the grandchildren. And we can no longer eat out, but when we tried to cook at home, there were cobwebs in the oven.
The network channels are inundated with coverage of the virus. The golf channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are almost as riveting as watching my brother-in-lawâs video of his family camping trip to Yellowstone. And my wife is so desperate for something to do, she is even considering sex, and maybe even with me.
Paranoia is off the tracks. Before the shutdown, we were having dinner at a local bar. I let out a loud sneeze and everyone at the surrounding tables started yelling âcheck please.â My stock portfolio is plummeting and most of our cash is currently invested in toilet paper. I am washing my hands 137 times a day. I donât touch anyone. I donât even touch myself. I have been using tongs to go to the bathroom. This has to stop.
Our society and economy have been crippled by a microscopic virus. Scientists have not yet determined the exact origin but have narrowed it down to a Chinese fish market or Rosie OâDonnellâs bathtub. And no one is sure how to prevent or cure it. In the past, the ways to prevent contracting a contagious disease were simple: donât eat in restaurants with cat on the menu and donât date my college roommateâs sister.
I donât consider myself to be in the high risk category. I have been building up my immune system by eating one meal per day at MacDonaldâs for the last 25 years. Germs just slide through me. My only pre-existing condition is an inability to launch a golf ball further than 180 yards. And, according to the CDC, symptoms of the coronavirus are sweats, dizziness, and trouble breathing, which I experience whenever I am standing over a 3 foot putt. I can handle it.
So, I proposed to my regular foursome the idea of escaping from our self-imposed Stalag 17 and venturing outside for a round of golf. Everyone recognized the danger and severity of the situation. But when faced with the decision to remain sequestered with our wives or to risk contracting a deadly virus, it was a no-brainer. Every man opted to play golf.
Our foursome does not pose a medical risk to mankind. My friend, George is virus free. Social distancing has not been a problem for him. Other than us, he doesnât have any friends. Bob, my neighbor is a urologist who has been working from home for several weeks. He has developed a way to do remote prostate exams by having patients sit on their cell phone. And our other partner, Jerry tested himself with a kit he bought online. However, he thinks he may have gotten the wrong kit. It showed no traces of the virus but indicated that he was pregnant with twins.
The federal government has established guidelines for social engagement. For example, you must stay at least 6 feet apart and no more than 10 people are allowed at a gathering, which means Patrick Reedâs fan club can still meet. In addition, our foursome drafted our own specific set of rules for Pandemic Golf.
Rules of Play:
- ⢠Hazmat suits are permitted. As an alternative, one can wear a college mascot costume or big bunny pajamas.
- ⢠Masks are not permitted, because we would look more like stagecoach robbers than a foursome.
- ⢠Leave the flag in. And to avoid retrieving balls from the hole, any putt shorter than Lebron James is good.
- ⢠Ride in separate golf carts and donât come closer to another player than a fully extended ball retriever.
- ⢠Donât touch another playerâs balls. This is always good advice.
- ⢠No high fives. Fortunately, we seldom have a reason.
- ⢠No petting the geese or the cart girl.
- ⢠Donât use the spot-a-pot. More disease in there than in all of Wuhan China.
- ⢠No excuses. Slicing or hooking are not side effects of the coronavirus.
- ⢠Make an online bank transfer to pay off your bets for the day.
- ⢠Straddle the sprinkler on the 18th hole before getting into the car.
These rules and restrictions adequately protected us from contamination. Unfortunately, there is no vaccine for bad golf. I had trouble gripping the club with oven mittens, but it was an enjoyable afternoon which ended way too soon. There were no handshakes on the 18thgreen, no beers at the bar, and we drove home separately.
As the pandemic plays through, it is giving us a glimpse into our inevitable future where all meals are delivered, all entertainment comes through the tv screen, and all human interaction is through our cell phone. Where schooling is online at home, exercise is on a stationary bike in our basement, medical testing is done at drive thru windows, and colonoscopies are performed at Jiffy Lube. The world is changing. It is becoming less interpersonal as technology consumes us. So now that we have time on our hands, everyone should take a moment to cherish this fading era, when friends still get together to hit a little ball around an open field for no good reason other than to enjoy the companionship of their fellow man.
Day 3,967
I woke up.
I took my daily time lapse photo of my Cabbage Plants.
I had a Pate & Tomato open sandwich & a Ham Mustard, Pickle, Tomato, Salad & Mayo Sandwich.
I did 2 Sudoko puzzles.
I drive Mrs P_F & her Mum to the Cemetary.
I had a Duck leg, mash & mixed veg dinner with Strawberries for dessert.
I am not bored
I am not bored
I am not bored
I am not bored
I am not bored
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Big News.
Sky Sports are showing the World Origami Championships live tonight.
Itâs on paper view
Iâm bored
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You need to schedule in a nap. Sleep through a lot of it.
We finally had a lovely chat with partners parents who havenât had any contact with people for over 2 weeks. Luckily they live in the countryside up a lane and Sainsburys (their usual delivery) contacted them to offer a slot for shopping as theyâre over 70. Gets dropped at gate.
I had a lovely nap as didnât sleep well again last night.
Spent ages making dinner.
Really should start on skmecraft stuff (have boxes of stuff) or my many books.
Have we got to June?!? 
I would nap, but Cat has decided when I get on the bed she needs at least 30 minutes (it seems) of head scratching while burying her nose in my armpit. (Euueech yuk)
I stop, she bites (hard enough to tell me to start again but not Tiger King hard)
When she is finally satisfied Mrs P_F always seems to find something to do.
I have however discovered something cool.
I wake at normal non alarm time - between 6 & 7. Bathroom, 200 ml glass of water then go back to bed. Damn that extra 2 or 3 hours, so deep & really vivid dreams, can remember almost all of them.
I think deep down, IF we can escape long term harm from the Virus, these days of real extra sleep & dreams will do our systems some good.
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So according to this guy, Iâve helped two million patients get meds last week.
Slightly humbled.
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I am SO dead.
Accidentally knocked the washing machine waste hose out of the waste pipe
Kitchen is under 2cms of water.
Looks like a quiet day for me then.
Locked in the bedroomâŚ
Bollox
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Set the hoover to blow, put the nozzle in the water, add bubble bath and tell her itâs a jacuzzi.
Sorted 
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CB is a New Forest man.
Iâm not having a pop here, but this case represents the extreme edge of a very real concern for vulnerable women - domestic violence.
A lot of horrible stuff goes on behind closed doors, but at least pre-lockdown people were able to easily escape those situations. Lockdown just makes all of that worse.
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Very much so.
And it takes a real effort to stay on top of luck down.
Meanwhile, on a lighter note.
Iâm still trying to get the kitchen knife out from between my shoulder blades after Washing gate this morningâŚ
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Miserable cow. 
No sense of humour.
#JusticeForThe Polski1
Wtf are Dramatic Inversions?
A Level English convert normal into dramatic inversions.
Jeez.
Normal : the result was never in doubt
Dramatic inversion
At no time was the result in doubtâŚ
Then a list to convert.
Aaaarrrghh
#hmoescholling
#englishasaforeignlanguage
Câmon then @Polski_Filip give us the list Iâm sure the Sotonians membership could be more than helpful