Somebody loves me. ā¦
So THATāS why she banned me from the kitchen this morning
Happy Easter
My feeling on beaches expands upon Bill Hicksā statement.
Original
Itās where dirt meets water
Bill Hicks on the beach
Updated
Itās where dirt meets water and cunts
As a proud member of the UK Gingers Owners Club, I donāt have to go that much.
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Iām also not a beach person.
When the kids were young & Dubai had no DUI laws we would take them on a Friday, but for me sitting by a beach or a pool all day? Nah.
Mrs P_F & I would go for a float in the sea in mid summer while I was in my get fit for Ryder Cup mode but I lived between 30m & 750m from a Dubai beach for 20+ years, hardly went.
We DID spend Xmas day on the beach in Cambodia few years back. But they had beers at $0.50 & cocktails at $2.50 plus fresh seafood all day & a guy passing by every hour or so offering herbal remedies.
Iād go back there in a heart beat but these days just give me a deck chair a beer & a mountain view
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Indeed we were your grace, indeed we were!
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The best day I ever had down the beach was at Branksome. I think @Intiniki might have been there.
We went down with one of our crazier friends who could be convinced to do most things through persuasion or for small quantities of cash.
e.g. He was once paid 76 pence to launch a chair from a third floor window into the head masterās garden
This is probably because of the fines regime he lived under at home. His parents didnāt cuff him. Theyād send him a list of this weekās misdemeanours, along with an itemised cost of what was coming out of his pocket money.
We buried all his clothes and when asked, my other mate just kept saying āitās in the sandā¦ā (there was an ad out at the time with a similar catchphrase).
Our crazy mate, among other things:-
- Pestered nearby beach patrons with idiotic questions and comments
- Booted a football skyward on the promenade, which lands on a beach hut roof , rolls down the roof, hits the railing in front and ricochets into the face of the unsuspecting sunbather.
- Around this time, was called a āfucking arseholeā by a young mother walking past with her children.
- Couldnāt be arsed going to the bogs, so shat on a body board in the sea before flinging the evidence over his head with a quick flick of the bodyboard. I, er, left the water after that.
A top day because the beach became something more than where dirt meets water and cunts. It was an open plan venue for some of the stupidest and funniest hi-jinks Iāve ever witnessed.
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After having socially distanced mtg with Sis_CobhamSaint & Bro-in-law and new puppy, realising it is still only Friday and the wine and beer stocks are nominal for the weekend.
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Mrs Slowlane is a Giant 
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Hog casings ordered
Sausage production starts next week
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And still couldnāt find trousers the right lengthā¦
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That was very fashionable in those daysā¦wait long enough and itāll be the next big thing. 
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Driving back from Krakow.
Iām gonna stop at the shop in our old village.
Why?
Itās the only place that does unusual craft beers & I need to get some salad stuff.
āThey wont have anythingā
Fvck yeah.
Just like a Doombar!
Can you call the dentist Iāve lost a filling.
āTheyāll be shutā
Try anyway.
Blah blah - booked in Thursday 10:30.
Shouldāve got a Lotto ticket ffs 
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Mum broke the charging port on her phone
Took it to repair shop.
On way back drive past the beer shop from yesterday.
Mrs P_F says go see if they have any more of that IPA
Meh I got all of them.
Well try, youāve got nothing else to do.
Oh all right then but itās a waste of timeā¦
12 bottles! Woo hoo! The Masters weekend sorted
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I can only sell this to Mrs non-golfing S by encouraging her to look at all the lovely flowers. Try to ignore the silly men wandering around hitting balls with sticks and obscuring the view.
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Not true.
I met 'slowlane down the Chapel. Heās tiny.
He had a squeaky voice, lived in my pocket and bit my hands every time I reached for the wallet Iād nicked from @Fowllyd 
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How, just how did you manage that?!?!
I swear itās welded to him.
You only met my egoā¦Iām very reserved at first meeting. The Silver-backed Gorilla thatās the REAL me appears on second meeting.
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It was someone elseās wallet. Heād never had got his hands on mine.
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So why couldnāt you pay for your curry?
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An invisible fairy whipped it out of his pocket at the South Western Arms.
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