Let me put it this way, a cruise missle would have left more standing.
Yeah, I get them too. âIâm calling about the accident you had at work.â
âI ainât had accident at work.â
Line goes dead. Cunts.
Yesterday I had the man from Windows to help with my computer, before he could get going I said, quick, get a pen and paper, I want to give you my bank details because I am a fucking moron!
He hung up.
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I do zero tolerance with cold callers, that guy caught me when I was in a hurry.
If they are international and not controlled by the TPS I usually just chat to them for ages about nothing in particular - I kept one bloke on for nine minutes.
Everytime he asked me something, I turned the question to talk about libraries, for no reason!
I treat it as a comedy challenge, to talk non-stop about a random subject.
That poor bloke heard about staffing levels from the 70s, the Dewey system, the decline in the number of magazines on offer, it was great fun!
My favourite current response is if they ask about green energy I ask them if someone in their office has had an accident in the last three years, and if they ask about the accident I had in the last three years I ask them if theyâd like solar panels.
It gets very confusing, but it amuses me - and thatâs the important thing.
If everyone kept them on the line talking gibberish their business would grind to a halt.
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I used to get plagued with texts offering me PPI / accident claims
I started by sending no thanks texts back and when that didnt work started to ratchet up the abusiveness of the texts until we got to
" Why donât you go fuck yourselves you parasitic skanks"
No more texts - Great success
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I was gonna be annoy with Amazon cos I had a thing out for delivery on Thursday to my Work, but it never arrived before I went Home, and on their tracker thing it says it was delivered to âA Receptionistâ at 9:30pm at night. But I rang them up, and they just refunded me no questions asked. I was expecting a Battle. It was only ÂŁ100, but it Makes you Think tho donât it? I couldâve been totally bullshitting. Iâm gonna order a couple of TVs later RIP
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I had a fellow call up for Mr Kitchen today. This often happens. Mr Kitchen had our phone number some time ago, and I still get the occassional call for him.
I explain that I am not Mr Kitchen, and most of the above. Matey on the phone is still insistent on speaking and asks if I would like a pension review.
I politely informed him that Britain has fantastic waterways and he should âgo fishing there, yeahâ.
âŚespecially as they prey on folk who just dont know they dont need all those account details and and can just get in touch with anyone who they ever had a loan with⌠and they will sort it out⌠no one needs tohand over ÂŁ000s to some claims fuckers
I now like to get a bit more sinister⌠I start with something a bit stalkishâŚââyou look good in that red dressââ (even if a bloke, this gets them all worried) âwatching you, phoning meââ, and the classic 'pretend to try and convert to them to my new religious sect - ( and request donations) 
âŚCunts
Sometimes a small portion of chips from the local chippie leaves you wanting, yet at others they give you enough to feed a (Portsmouth) family.
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Shit colleagues who go on holiday who forget to tell you about all the plates they have got spinning, leaving you a week behind your own work as you clean up their car crash, and then swan in on Monday without a word of thanks. Utter utter cunts. 
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I went to chip shop in Dudley the other day which is a place in i.e. Black Country, which is a place in West Midlands, it is not in i.e. Africa. It is where Lenny Henry was Born. When they give me my chips I found they was battered like i.e. a Fish or i.e a Mars Bar, which is both gross, and sort of quite nice. I asked someone at work bout it + they said, yeah, thatâs just how they like their chips in Black Country, they serve them in Batter. Fkn Freaks.
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Not so much a little annoyance. But this happened to me yesterday.
A man running along the pavement, ran straight into me. Iâd seen him but had misjudge how fast he was going and my depth perception is shit on one side as sort of a bit blind in one eye. Anyhow. He banged straight into me. Knocking me to the ground, my glasses went flying along the pavement. He carried on running. Saying sorry. Think he had some mental health issues. So I am now all bruised and have a huge bloody graze on my knee like a kid. Think a bit of mild concussion too.
People. Bloody people are annoying!
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correct, thatâs not a little annoyance. Nor is it everyday. Youâve diverted this thread with a Chewbacca post.
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Dumb blind bints who take up the whole pavement when Iâm running to my psychiatrist appointment.
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You click the âUnsubscribeâ button, but the gits expect you to enter your email address before youâre allowed to. Or worse, to sign in to an account you didnât even know had been set up. Whatâs the password?
The password is FUCK OFF.
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Blame Bearsy for the little blue pill emails, he thought you might need them with all the craft beer you drinkâŚ
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When Barry breaks his restraints and finds his way to the off licence 
Originally posted by @Goatboy
Dumb blind bints who take up the whole pavement when Iâm running to my psychiatrist appointment.
I was just coming in here to post the same Goat, except I was on my way to the bank to pay in some dosh before early closing. My psychiatrist appointment is not until Monday.
Seriously, inconsiderate ignorant pavement hogging cunts.
Walking down the pavement I encounter firstly a family with three kids, spread right the way out, filling the entirety of the pavement. Parents can see me coming, yet make absolutely no effort to encourage their sprogs to âwatch out for that man so he can get byâ.
Having just about managed to squeeze my way through a small gap without having to resort to the use of lethal force, I made my way toward the narrow section of pathway over the bridge, which can just about accomodate two people, one passing each other in either direction.
Halfway across, and having had ample time to see me coming, I begin to approach two vastly overweight women, pushing a hippopotamus in a wheelchair. Both massive obstacles walking side by side, filling the entire walkway (with great difficulty squeezing their oversized rear ends through such a confined space).
Intelligence clearly not being one of their strong points â they continue walking side by side toward me, until we reach the point that something has to give. Then stand there looking at me with utter incredulity, that I should possess the audacity to be blocking their path. The beast closest to me (not pushing the hippo) stretches her arms out, as if to say âwhat the fuck? Get out of our way!â
âWhere exactly would you like me to move to?â I politely enquired. âYou are filling up the entire bridge.â
She rolled her eyes upward, as if beseeching the flying spaghetti monster for strength, as we reached a complete impasse.
âSingle file would probably help,â I suggested, as such a blatently obvious spacial concession had clearly not occurred to these prize fucking muppets. 
Eventually, she sucked in her stomach and lent in toward the hippo as much as possible, until I could just about manage to squeeze my way through the tiny shaft of light between her and the metal wall to my right.
The last time I had to navigate such an incredibly tight passageway to make progress in the world, was my inaugural appearance at Southamptonâs Princess Anne Maternity Ward.
Absolute ignorant cunts. 
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I had the audacity to ride my bike on a cycle path when a fat ugly slag carrying a shopping bag of shiny tat was trying to train an equally ugly dog to leave a trail of runny turds along it.
Fancy that, cycles wanting to share a cycle path, the fucking cheek of cyclists!
Those paths are for shitting on, or to be blocked by dawdling double buggies bulging with cross-eyed sprogs who are too lazy to walk.