The limericks thread

I’ve long been a fan of the limerick format. Here are a few of my favorites.

If I’m not a sad pathetic creature totally alone in my enjoyment, please feel free to add whatever takes your fancy.

A mathematician called Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Less the square root, plus eight
Was two thirds of four fifths of fuck all.

There once was a cellist called Cleo
Who shagged a conductor called Leo
As she pulled down her panties
She said “No andantes,
I want this allegro con brio!”

A randy young plumber called Lee
Was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said “Stop your plumbing,
I think someone’s coming”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me”


There was an old prince called andy,
When round younger girls got quite randy,
When his mate jeff was offed,
He chortled and scoffed,
‘He can’t squeal on me now, which is handy’.


There was a young actress from Crewe
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew
The vicar is quicker
and slicker and thicker
and three inches bigger than you.

Works best when spoken swiftly :grin:


Clean local one…

There was a young lady from Ryde
Who ate green apples and died
The apples fermented inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside.

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A simple classic:

There was a young man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
But his girlfriend called Nan
Ran off with a man
And as for the bucket, Nan took it.

A mosquito cried out in pain:
“A chemist has poisoned my brain!”
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro-

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There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
So she laid on her back
Diddled her crack
And squirted all over the ceiling


The jolly old bishop of Birmingham,
He buggered two maids while confirming 'em.
While they knelt before God,
He excited his rod,
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em.


To keep a vague topicality:

A football supporter in blue
Gave his favourite sister a screw.
He said with aplomb:
“You’re better than Mom.”
Said she: “That’s what Dad told me too.”


Spotted before, but then so is mine in its pre-amended version…

Apologies for duplication but not for resurrection. That thread was a bit before my time.

Nothing to apologise for, I just have a memory for these things…

Give it time mate… :crazy_face:


And another in the same vein, from a different era:

There once was a monarch named Ed
Who screwed Mrs. Simpson in bed.
As they bounced up and down,
He yelled, “Bugger the Crown!
We’ll give it to Bertie, instead!”

One last offering

From the depths of the crypts at St. Giles
Came a shriek that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar, “Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?”

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There was a young man from Darjeeling
Who boarded a bus bound for Eling.
It said on the door
“Please don’t spit on the floor”
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling.

This is my favourite - very erudite and helped me to remember the value through my working life!

Tis a favourite project of mine
A new value of Pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
Cause it’s easier you see
Than 3 point 14159


In a similar vein:

A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Is nine squared and not a bit more.

It is you know…

It’s right if you put in the right brackets.