Glastonbury 2016

Music and gigs
341

The Jobsworth
The missus and I were rolling into one of the Pedestrian Gates on one of our daily trips to the festival. I was keen to get in so I wave my little wristband, so I wave it at this blonde 20 year old girl, and start to walk forward. She shouts quite inexplicably “there’s a queue!”

I say “I know. I wasn’t trying to jump it”.

She’s not happy about it, and calls me back and tells me to empty my pockets.

Narked, I empty my pockets of my possessions. There are a couple of cans of ale (legal to bring your own in at Glasto), my mobile phone in its battered case, my wallet and deep down in my pocket, a bit of brown napkin that came with some food I’d bought earlier in the morning.

She freaks out, asking “what’s this?! what’s this?!” Fuck knows what she thought it was.

“It’s tissue paper”, ms pap says.

She puts her paws on it, realises that it is soft paper, and is really pissed off. She calls over a male security guard, I say it’s ridiculous that I’m even being searched. I haven’t got a bag on me. She says she’s just doing her job. As I’m being pulled over, the missus notices her smirking.

As I’m getting searched, the security guard tells me my flies are undone. I think at this point he realises that I might not be an expert smuggler.

I say “do you wanna fucking search there too? May as well”.

“Don’t get cocky mate” - he says. As if.

“Sorry. I’m pissed off. She’s sent me over here for fucking nothing to get a power trip”.

“She’s just doing her job”, I hear for the second time.

“Right. Cheers then.” I walk into the festival both utterly fucked off and extremely amused.

Just doing her job. Bollocks.

If she’d have done that, she’d have searched the inside of my battered mobile phone cover and found a genuine reason for a power trip. Stupid cunt.

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I got asked for photo ID. Wow that was such a hassle as well. I share your pain Pap.

Not.

PMSL…

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I think you call that 1-0 Mr Pap! :lou_sunglasses:

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Originally posted by @pap

I got random comments off people. Someone called me Gandalf

pfft i would’ve gone with Gimli or Gollum, then when I saw you again later, I would’ve called you Thorin Oakenshield and Bilbo Baggins.

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I’d have called him Swampy or DirtyMcDirtface.

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Definitely one of the shit parts of big corporate festivals is the narcs.

Isle of Wight 2009 some moronic police dog gave a signal at me and hey presto I got frog marched to tent by two lady cops and got strip searched butt naked. True story.

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Did you manage to get an erection?

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The Billy Bragg Moment
We were all lunching on one of the few empty benches we’d managed to locate, outside a load of hippy food vendors. Billy Bragg walks up to one of the food emporiums, so I just walk over and ask to shake his hand.

The handshake happens, and all is good, or so I think.

For the next 10 minutes, intiniki’s other half, who hung around about 30 seconds longer than I did, ripped the piss out of me as we’re walking to our next thing.

“Billy Bragg said he was very pleased to meet the famous Paul Taylor”
“I remember Billy saying what a nice man that young Paul Taylor was”

Conclusion?

Billy Bragg is sound as fuck. Always have respect for people who take themselves around the festival and have time for the people there.

intiniki’s fella is a cheeky fuck.

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Have met Bill several times, you might not like all of his views and I don’t share some of them, but he’s one of our greatest song writers and a fucking nice bloke.

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Bear has surprising insight into the world of Tolkien for a cool dude

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And yet you say that as if it is a bad thing!

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It is if you want to retain your disco biscuits and other goodies.

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Mmmmm, I might trade the biscuits for a foursome with two uniformed lesbians and an enthusiastic German Shepherd.

Which gives me an idea for a film…

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The Food Experience

One thing they don’t really put on the bill at Glastonbury is all the fabulous shit you can eat, for a price, of course. Mexican was ubiquitous this year, but it was EngMex, Mexican for English people. Burrito topped with Cheddar Cheese, just like they do it in Baja California, apparently :lou_sunglasses:

The “first ever” was an ostrich burger, procured just after PJ Harvey’s set. Unlike the cheddared burritos, some thought had actually gone into this. The ostrich patty was cooked in a huge skillet of onions. The sauce accompaniment is of some note in a future conversation. Stilton mayonaise. I’m not sure if they eat stilton where ostriches run about, but it’s classier than cash and carry bought grated cheddar, right?

When I’d worked my way through the swamp, ms pap asks “what’s on it?”.

I say “it’s almost as if they’ve made it to piss you off, Ginge. It’s the two things you hate the most, stilton and mayonaise, combined into a single thing”.

She declined the offer of a bite of my ostrich burger.

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That was Bernie Clifton’s arse in a bap.

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Is the winner of the most English sentence posted by a guy from the US :slight_smile: You are from the US?

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Phil’s Glasto Review.

Finally home & at a laptop! Will do 3 parts for y’all - the Old Fart’s Review & Advice

Glasto 2016 was dictated by the fucking Mud. KRG - Thank God you did not go! My knee had been the size of a balloon a week before and I was restricted. We then had a team member strain his Meniscus on a late night hike back from the Park.

So what did that mean? Normally we love the randomness of wandering through the fields & dropping in on unexpected bands on the smaller stages. This year we learnt very early on that was not going to be fesible. - Maybe old age?

We learnt that instead of hopping between Pyramid & Other Stage we simply couldn’t face the ankle deep gloop. This dramtically changed our Glasto, different for sure but in fact it had no effect on our enjoyment. Because we didn’t move around we saw FAR more gigs than we would do usually and some were unexpectedly good.

Thursday - We arrived at my mates gaff - 7 bedroom Mansion that he rebuilt over the last year, a 3m 26 s drive from Gate B (ie closer than the Campervan Park) Boys put up the Awning on the VW & me & Mrs D_P had luxury Balinese 4 poster bed & en Suite! Late afternoon we drove to the gate & wandered around, Cider Bis, Brothers in West Holts, watched some bands in the Tents & on the Bandstand, had some munchies & got back to bae in time to empty a couple of bottles of POlish Vidka around a Campfire.

Friday - straight to the Other Stage where James were delayed 20 minutes (luckily for us - bit slow after the Vodka!) If EVER a band deserved to be abused by Football Fans it is James - One Song - You’ve only got one song… Yes I know they are still going but the other stuff is very bland and not the Anthemic launch music of say the Kaiser Chiefs a couple of years ago. In fact we got bored after 30 minutes & headed up to The Park (at this point the mud wasn’t that restrictive)

First Rip Off - The Ale tent supplied Steel Pint Pots for a 5 quid deposit, then 4.50 for Otter Ale. We went to the Park & watched Night Beats a US based Rock Band which we had never heard of but really enjoyed while sitting in the Sun

At this point we tried to take the Beer Mugs back - nope cannot get the money back have to find a Water Aid Tent - yep that never happened - 9.50 a pint - farking Dubai Prices! A long trudge back to the Pyramid to set up camp to watch Two Door Cinema Club then Jess Glynne.

Tbh honest 2DCC just came over as warm fuzzy Indie, JG? Warm fuzzy Girly Pop - we disliked the first and actually really enjoyed Jess, good tunes & a sing a long to get us ready for ZZ Top…

Oh. What a disappointment they were. Almost Jamesesque in their blandness. Most damming thing I can say? We sat in our chairs all through as did most people around us.

Foals perked us up. Can see why they are popular, they do seem to be very close to making that “Big Thing” breakthrough to Festival Legends. For us Jess was better but Foals weren’t far behind.

Muse. Well, Last time I watched them I was filming from the back of the staqge while they played their Encore so I was REALLY looking forward to seeing them infront of a big crowd. Easliy the highlight of the day, BUT.

Now that is the thing. 1) They were painfully loud. We stood in our regular spot and Mrs D-P developed a headache and mentioned it being TOO loud, it wasn’t long before I had to concur. 2) Their new stuff is actually bland shit. Yeah a couple of good ones in there but in a 90+ minute set there were periods when the mind wandered and yes, too loud, bored now, let’s fuck off home.

The other 2 lads in our team had headed back to The Park to see Richard Hawley. It took them almost 2 hours to get back after the gig, a nightmare fight through Mud & Crowds. They thought he had been superb - Power Ballads they called it. Think they’d have preferred to stay and see Muse to avoid that nightmare and we’d have preferred to have had more songs we knew.

Back to Base camp, drama and tales from all around including our host & his guests, two more Vodka bottles destroyed with Polish Cabanos & Pickles. Time for Bed

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Saturday.

We’d taken a vote the night before. We all wanted to see Squeeze, but with a Man down (knee strapped up & didgy Meds) we knee we were limited on how far we could trudge round, so had decided to have a lazy morning & watch the Rugby (yeah TV at Glasto eh!!)

We got a lift onto site about 2pm and made our way down the aptly named Muddy Lane to the Circus Field. Ah at last - all the weird shit. We met Captain Scott, some Tea Ladies, I got attacked by a Flock of Seagulls - would have liked to see them sing I Ran…- and parked ourselves in Astrolabe for some Comedy. One bloke talking about Algorythms and then Stephen Frost & his Improv all Stars had us in stitches. Then time to trudge back to the Pyramid

1st Up Madness. I think they have been better esp when I saw them about 7 years ago at Glasto, but they did what they do and everyone sings along. Mrs D_P did nail them by saying - Wow, amazing how a bad Karaoke Singer can have had such a great career in Music - there’s hope for you yet Phil! A good solid and dependable gig - worth the effort.

The boys had Last Shadow Puppets high on their must see list. What a shame I thought they had a good Pedigree but eek, Pretentious Shit - our Hosts had taken their kids to see Tom Odell & The 1975 and really enjoyed it, think that was our first FAIL of the weekend.

Next up? The big Surprise Tame Impala - what a great set and what perfect music to sit in the mud & listen to. Had never heard of them down here, sure have now. Think Shadow Puppets served to set us up for this and it became our “Discovery Moment” of the weekend - edging Night Beats into second place.

So we Cider Up Power Banks the Mobile Devices and get ready for Potty Mouth. To be disturbed by some CND looking unwashed woman who wanted to interview us for BBC TV! So she prepped us and got a lighting thing rigged up, told us what the presenter would ask and… She never made it to us - she went to talk to a couple that looked to be about 80 sitting near us - oh well - didn’t bother us but I know it would have ruined a lot of people’s afternoon to see us on telly!

Seriously? The stage just has a big Adele Face and she sings the word “Hello” twoce as she walks onto the stage. No matter what you think of her mental state and lyrics, that one word summed her up - absolute goosebumps. That voice could sing the phone directory and it would be heaven to hear. You cannot hate her, she’s just a girl from Lundin innit. Of course everyobe sang, everyone cried, everyone hugged.

IMHO you do not go to see an Adele Concert. You go to see a magical moment in time, a moment with THAT voice. We all agreed it had been utterly awesome, and promptly forgot everything she sang, being only able to remember how dumbass she sounded Effing & blinding her way through the show. Oh and when she got the peeps up from the crowd PMSL Adele to Girlie “What has been your most amazing moment at Glasto?” Girlie “I think maybe watching The 1975” While the crowd scream WTF! You mean Standing on stage taking Selfies with Adele is NOT the greates moment of your LIFE??

And then The Mud… This time it got real. 70,000 people all trying to get out of the field and up a hill to get out/back to their tents - an epic trudge being pushed & jostled - it was then we noticed a change in attitude of many - previous Glasto;s everyone is chilled, now “Corporatisation” means groups of Coked up “Lads” caring fuck all for where they are or what is going on, only caring about “We need to get to the front of Arcadia”

What should have been a 16 minute walk home took 90 minutes. Took a lot of the gloss of the evening

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Sunday

First Task was to pack the bulk of our kit, we always get up at 5am and are always home in Salisbury by 6:45 - then have the full day to wash stuff & unpack.

Headed back to the Circus Field and dropped in to watch Paul Heaton & Jacqueline Abbot absolutely nail it was a set of Beautiful South’s greatest hits. An unexpected highlight, and really enjoyed it. Managed to get up into Avalon and a few of the other fields before wending our way to THE MUD. Christ on a bike it had now become horrific. Ankle deep Squidgy sucking soul destroying gloop. What should have been a 20 minute trip took almost an hour, Even when we could get onto the pathways the trucks and service vehicles had no choice but to use them and so everyone was forced into the gloop.

But we made it, stocked up on Cider and sat down to watch ELO.

OK, now look, 1) everyone loves them 2) they are an institution 3) we sang every song, but honestly, in this day and age you do kind of expect a LITTLE bit more than a thankyou. Musically - brilliant - Entertainment wise? My Hiking Stick had more Stage Presence than Jeff does. Did not make them a BAD gig (after all ZZ Top had been FAR more dull on stage the night before, it just made me wonder at the “OMG amazing” reviews I’ve read of their tour on FB & Twitter of late.Maybe it just reminded me too much of the standard safe don’t say anything shows we get down this way.

Ellie Goulding - Oh Gawd - the one moment we all wished we had the energy to go somewhere else… And… Oh NOOOO. Bollocks. We find ourselves singing along. Oh shit, the boys are DANCING to her. Christ on a Bike that is the WORST thing I have seen since they danced to ed Sheeran 2 years ago. And there is future HRH bouncing around on the stage and playing heavy metal riffs on a Guitar and oh Fcuk she’s REALLY GOOD, and NO we are ENJOYING the show. I will NEVER forgive myself…

And onto Beck. OK he gave us time to move from our regular spot and head right up the back of the field by the Big Tree. It was unbearably meh, until his last few songs were sing a long covers. But we were only worried about getting food or Cider by this time and waiting for Coldplay.

Coldplay - look I get that they are Marmite. In fact I had EWF on my list and would have had everyone in West Holts IF it had not been for the Mud. But we were NOT moving and hod positioned ourselves for an easier exit. And WHAT a decision that was - we had the entire field in our view. They come on, they play some chords and KAFUCKINGBOOM It was All Yellow. I mean EVERYFUCKINGWHERE. Lights, Lasers, Fireworks and Us. Wait US? 70,000 writs bands were given out and OMG WHAT a sight. The entire field is Yellow, it is on it is off it is flashing and the NOISE? Not Muse like volume but the Singing. It was hair-raising Goosie Tear Jerking.

Love or hate their music they put on a SHOW. It was 2 hours of Stupendous Sensuaol overload. I have never seen anything like it and I don’t believe I will ever see something like it again.

Unlike Muse who rammed their new stuff down our throats from the Off, they kept to their anthems and simply slipped occassional new tracks in while we were catching our breath. It just kept coming.

The “Normally at this point in the show we play Heroes” Moment with the Viola Beach tribute was touching and anthemic and unforgettable. But then to bring Barry Gibb on stage - he warbles through To love somebody, which was tear jerkingly beautiful and frail and tender and sung by everyone.

Then - well 100,000 people just fucking lost it. No idea who was more out of key, us or Barry, but who gave a fuck, we were ankle deep in Mud and we were doing that Dance and NOTHING was going to stop us

And so now, the end was near. Perhaps the greates karaoke moment ever? Michael Eavis

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I miss Les Gray, he was the coolest bloke in the world when I was ten.

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