Right, fuck you.
Now that Downtown (sic) Abbey is finished, and after being outed by Toke as the actor that plays Carson in the aforementioned bore-fest, I have time to kick back and welcome our guests.
So, to business.
Phil, many apologies in failing to allocate you the correct room, but I am but a humble butler, and located as we are in the beautiful South of little England, I often struggle to meet the rider stipulated by our guests - especially those with more exotic requirements.
And so it was with your rider.
How, I wonder, was I supposed to find a, and I quote, “Lady-boy with at least 8 inches and an ability to swallow like a pelican”?
I have scoured the South Coast, and whilst I was encouranged by Halo’s kind offers to accommodate our guests, I have otherwise drawn a blank*.
I understand that given your tax-exile status and off-shore wealth, you are probably used to better service than I have been able to supply on this occasion,
For this, I, the management and His papship apologise.
That said, with the help of Marwell Zoological Park’s Liverpudlian branch, I think we might have been able to meet most of the conditions of your rider.
If you would like to make your way to room 10100101 on the third floor, “Gloria” of Marwell’s pelican exhibit is waiting with pap to cater for your every** need.
Bletch - Butler at pap Palace.
* the 8 inches discounted Halo’s otherwise kind offer.
** - pap’s lawyers would like to point out that whilst he is open to fulfilling most of philippinesaint’s requests, he draws the line at perverted*** sex acts whilst wearing a Pompey top.
*** Our lawyers, Holland and Holland and Lamont Dozier insisted that we define perverted as anything that passes for the norm in the Philippines but would make my ol’ Mum blush.
This post sponsored by mid-afternoon Aspall’s cider.