Originally posted by @areloa-grandee
I dont need a room Fowllyd Sir, I am so very successful with the ladies that I am never short of an invite and a flash of a room key… only problem is we seem to be a bit short on ladies at The Bletch Motel
Last time I complained about this Mr. Bletch said he was holding personal in depth interviews to resolve this problem. He’s certainly thorough…that was two months ago. 
Right, fuck you.
Now that Downtown (sic) Abbey is finished, and after being outed by Toke as the actor that plays Carson in the aforementioned bore-fest, I have time to kick back and welcome our guests.
So, to business.
Phil, many apologies in failing to allocate you the correct room, but I am but a humble butler, and located as we are in the beautiful South of little England, I often struggle to meet the rider stipulated by our guests - especially those with more exotic requirements.
And so it was with your rider.
How, I wonder, was I supposed to find a, and I quote, “Lady-boy with at least 8 inches and an ability to swallow like a pelican”?
I have scoured the South Coast, and whilst I was encouranged by Halo’s kind offers to accommodate our guests, I have otherwise drawn a blank*.
I understand that given your tax-exile status and off-shore wealth, you are probably used to better service than I have been able to supply on this occasion,
For this, I, the management and His papship apologise.
That said, with the help of Marwell Zoological Park’s Liverpudlian branch, I think we might have been able to meet most of the conditions of your rider.
If you would like to make your way to room 10100101 on the third floor, “Gloria” of Marwell’s pelican exhibit is waiting with pap to cater for your every** need.
Bletch - Butler at pap Palace.
* the 8 inches discounted Halo’s otherwise kind offer.
** - pap’s lawyers would like to point out that whilst he is open to fulfilling most of philippinesaint’s requests, he draws the line at perverted*** sex acts whilst wearing a Pompey top.
*** Our lawyers, Holland and Holland and Lamont Dozier insisted that we define perverted as anything that passes for the norm in the Philippines but would make my ol’ Mum blush.
This post sponsored by mid-afternoon Aspall’s cider.
Oh dear, looks like the Butler has gone all Bolshie, behaving like a young naive footman who is surprised at the disintegration of his syphillitic cock after providing prolonged service to a dozen Victorian ladies of the night who have just returned from a seaman convention in Portsmouth.
Bletch, man up
So room 165 on the 3rd floor about time I am trusting that it has views of the pool and a balcony to allow the pelican in if not I will be straight down to request a replacement
Pelican.
Begging your pardon, ladies and gentlemen, and I do hope I’m not speaking out of turn here, but His papship did seem to be suggesting that Mr Bletch and I had been a little lax in our duties. I don’t understand how His papship could think that Mr Bletch isn’t working really hard - I hardly ever see Mr Bletch these days, as he seems to spend so much time in his room, but I know he’s been ever so busy because when I do see him he looks really tired, with big bags under his eyes. He sniffs an awful lot too, so I do hope that he hasn’t got a cold or anything.
Anyway, I’d like to extend a warm hand of welcome and friendship and everything that goes with it to Mr ericofarabia. I’m not always very clever at guessing things, but I do think that Mr ericofarabia might be Italian, as his name does sound a bit like he might be, just like Mr Graziano Pellé’s name tells you that he’s Spanish.
Oh - hang on a minute, I think I may have got that wrong. My memory’s not so good nowadays, but I do believe that Mr ericofarabia used to be Mr ericofbartonpeveril a long time ago, and before that he was Mr ericofaldermanquilley. Yes, that’s certainly it!
So, I hope you’ll enjoy being here very much, Mr ericofarabia sir. I’ve taken the liberty of putting you in room 10010010 - this is right next to Mr SO5 4BW, who is in room 10010011. I think that you and Mr SO5 4BW will get along really well - you’ll be able to look out on His papship’s beautiful bay tree, and I’m sure there’ll be gales of laughter coming from your rooms.
My Pelican is broken could you please send a new one up ?
Originally posted by @saintbletch
This post sponsored by mid-afternoon Aspall’s cider.
Never mind that post, I will ignore everything you write from now on given your aspalling judgement.
Originally posted by @Fowllyd
Begging your pardon, ladies and gentlemen, and I do hope I’m not speaking out of turn here, but His papship did seem to be suggesting that Mr Bletch and I had been a little lax in our duties. I don’t understand how His papship could think that Mr Bletch isn’t working really hard - I hardly ever see Mr Bletch these days, as he seems to spend so much time in his room, but I know he’s been ever so busy because when I do see him he looks really tired, with big bags under his eyes. He sniffs an awful lot too, so I do hope that he hasn’t got a cold or anything.
Anyway, I’d like to extend a warm hand of welcome and friendship and everything that goes with it to Mr ericofarabia. I’m not always very clever at guessing things, but I do think that Mr ericofarabia might be Italian, as his name does sound a bit like he might be, just like Mr Graziano Pellé’s name tells you that he’s Spanish.
Oh - hang on a minute, I think I may have got that wrong. My memory’s not so good nowadays, but I do believe that Mr ericofarabia used to be Mr ericofbartonpeveril a long time ago, and before that he was Mr ericofaldermanquilley. Yes, that’s certainly it!
So, I hope you’ll enjoy being here very much, Mr ericofarabia sir. I’ve taken the liberty of putting you in room 10010010 - this is right next to Mr SO5 4BW, who is in room 10010011. I think that you and Mr SO5 4BW will get along really well - you’ll be able to look out on His papship’s beautiful bay tree, and I’m sure there’ll be gales of laughter coming from your rooms.
Thank you for the welcome!! I must say the Unlimited Supply of HSB by special pipeline and time travel from The Bay Tree to SO5 4BW’s and my room’s is a wonderful gesture. The addition of a pool table and a juke box with Freebird and White Punks on Dope on continual loop would further enhance the experience.
Originally posted by @Bucks
Originally posted by @saintbletch
This post sponsored by mid-afternoon Aspall’s cider.
Never mind that post, I will ignore everything you write from now on given your aspalling judgement.
Very good Sir.
If I weren’t simply a humble butler obliged to kowtow and minister to our guests’ every need, I might tell you to fuck off and call you a cider snob.
IF…
Originally posted by @saintbletch
How, I wonder, was I supposed to find a, and I quote, “Lady-boy with at least 8 inches and an ability to swallow like a pelican”?
I have scoured the South Coast, and whilst I was encouranged by Halo’s kind offers to accommodate our guests, I have otherwise drawn a blank*.
* the 8 inches discounted Halo’s otherwise kind offer.
Tbf, I had just come back from swimming when you measured me up at your place.
And the sea off Gosport is very cold at this time of year.
Besides, I didn’t hear you complaining.
Bitch.
Do we not welcome new members since November… Got bored of that?
Bletch can’t be arsed, you know what he’s like.
Lazier than Pelle on horse sedatives.
The wheels are coming off. This place is a shambles.
I blame the sandal-wearing Britain-hating lefties.
This forum is beginning to resemble a Spurs end of season.
I have neglected my butlering duties, and will get round to welcoming our (not so) new members, but two points in my defence.
His papship gave me instructions to welcome our guests as the traffic on the forum was like the M1 on the day it opened. Thankfully, the traffic on the site is now much more like the A3274 on Tuesday mornings.
that lazy cunt Fowllyd is my deputy and does fuck all. I know he’s from The Wales, but that doesn’t excuse it.
Your humble servant.
Bletch - butler to the great and the good at pap Palace.
I think you will find that it does excuse them. Who and When was the last person from Wales that actually did a job? and I dont mean knocking off a Jewlers in Bristol either.
Wales is no excuse - it’s not like he has to fucking commute to get here.
Has Pap left butlering to the Chuckle Brothers’ less sophisticated inbred cousins?
Begging your pardon, Mr Bletch sir, but I’ve only just managed to get out of the nice new lower-sub-basement apartment you allowed me to be chained up in a few months ago. Not that I’m ungrateful, of course - you are far kinder to me that I could ever deserve - but it has meant that I’ve been unable to carry out my duties as I normally would.
I’m sure I’ll be able to walk OK in a couple of days, and then I’ll get on with polishing all the gravel in the estate, like you asked me to do. It takes a bit of time, but the gravel really does shine up a treat with that special polish you gave me. It’s a bit sticky, that polish, but it really is very effective. Do you have any more though, as I’m running low.
Fowllyd - under-sub-under footman and occasional alternative butler.
Yep. Have to agree with Sim and Fatso.
I never got my welcome either.
Good thing that the quality of the site and members is a redeeming grace, cos the standards of Butlering Services around here are fucking appalling! 
I never even got one of those excessively long room numbers. 
I’ve been kipping in a huddled heap on the floor of the stables, with a few scraped together strands of soiled straw for a bed.
Even the fucking manger was full.*
*(of Bletch’s hidden porn stash by the looks of it. But I didn’t dare move them.) **
** I didn’t have any protective gloves to hand, and they looked very “well used”.
