I’m very excited to see that Papsweb has now acquired a legal department. That should come in handy with all the libel cases coming this way soon.
Mr. Chutney’s username alone has maybe got my hopes up, but I am very much looking forward to his contribuions and hopefully some free legal representation. I hope he knows his onions regarding restraining orders.
Don’t you dare assume anything of me. I carry with me the threat, nay, the promise, of violence and brutality from one person to another.
Originally posted by @Ohio-Saint
I’m very excited to see that Papsweb has now acquired a legal department. That should come in handy with all the libel cases coming this way soon.
That wasn’t my first thought. I wondered whether some hostile libel lawyers were registering to serve papers (henceforth known as pappers).
Sounds like one shit lawyer! 
Not just shit, the shittest. How much worse can you get? None, none more worse. Unfortunately, it’s all you can afford.
I’m somehow less enchanted with our legal depoartment, Can we get Matlock or Perry Mason?
Saul Goodman. Can we get him?
Spake no longer of justice, Ohio, for I have risen.
Truth not lies.
Ah!OK, drunk posts. I get it now. 
No alcohol has passed my lips in seven days.
I’ve been after a forum persona for a good few years. I did ask bletch to make one for me a few years ago, but he was too lazy.
I’ve always slunk into the background, before slowly posting less and less. Becoming a footnote in the history of various forums.
Now is my chance. And I’ve settled with Angry Evangelical Lawyer.
Hello I’m new here. Serial lurker and yet veteran of Saintsweb. And previous ones. .
I’ll try and contribute more here, as it seems a relaxed and friendly space. Specialist subjects … Film and Music (there’s already a couple of threads going)
Well heavens! I didn’t do a single welcome yesterday, for all my good intentions. It took so long to clean up Mr Bletch’s room, and I felt very strange all day as well. It’s a good thing that I was in Mr Bletch’s room when I woke up though, otherwise I wouldn’t have known what a mess it was. I wonder what happened there?
But down to some welcomes now. Please join me in welcoming Mr SaintDownUnder to the forum. Now I don’t wish to pretend I’m clever here, but I should think that Mr SaintDownUnder it trying to tell us with his user name that he lives in a place with Under in its name. It could be Newcastle-Under-Lyme, for example, or possibly Barton-Under-Needwood. But something tells me it’s actually Underriver, a small village near Sevenoaks in Kent. The other places are a bit too far away, and it’s really hard to imagine there would be any Saints supporters in such far-flung places as Staffordshire. So, a big welcome to you, Mr SaintDownUnder - I hope you like living in Kent, even though it isn’t Hampshire. I wanted to put you next door to Mr Dubai_Phil, as he likes golf very much and as there isn’t really anything else to do in Kent I should think that you do as well. But both rooms next to Mr Dubai_Phil are already taken, so I’ve put you in 10011000, which is next to Mr 70’s Mike. I should think that if you and Mr Dubai_Phil talk anbbout golf enough then Mr 70’s Mike will probably ask to change rooms, then you’ll be able to move into Mr 70’s Mike’s old room.
I’d also like to welcome Mr saint si to the forum. Mr saint si is of Spanish origin and is clearly a very agreeable chap, as his name means ‘yes’ in Spanish. That’s so much nicer than calling yourself ‘no’, don’t you think? I assume that Mr saint si does speak good English though, as it would be very hard for him to understand the things that people write on here if he didn’t. Actually, I have trouble understanding a lot of it myself, and I’ve spoken English for as long as I can remember. So, welcome to His papship’s forum Mr saint si - I’ve put you in room 10010010, which is next to Mr SO5 4BW. He likes Spain very much, so you’ll have lots in common. You’ll get used to the atmosphere very soon, I’m sure.
Fowllyd (under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler)
Mr. Chutney, I hope you don’t mind me being so forward, but I’d like to convey something important relating to our relative positions in His papship’s great house.
It is a fact that whilst carrying out my role as a domestic servant in the environs of this thread, I must do my best for the guests at pap Palace at all times.
I would, for example, not be able to tell you to fuck off and die whilst wearing this tail coat and within this threaded conversation.
However, it is also a fact that if I were to be taking a stroll outside of the Welcome Thread, and, if we were to meet in the “Bearsy’s match previews” corner of the Tittletat Tavern I might come up to you, and rather than greet you with deference, I might explete * you with offence - thusly.
Far cough you can’t - awe isle wrip ya farking edoff (oh, and I’ll shit down your neck too)
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Morris Chutney - a practitioner at law. He graduated from Bevois Valley Univeristy in Discussion Forum Law and also minored in polish (he can clean with Mr. Sheen). His wife and he studied at the same time, and whilst he was pleased with his First, we’ve ALL experienced his wife’s cum laude.
Chutney, Morris does have a brother Chutney, Ferret, but Chutney, Morris would like it known that whilst his brother does work in the despatch and packaging department at the Freemantle Fudge Factory, he does not smuggle bones.
Morris Chutney - Lawyer will be resting in room 11101010 next to Kingdom Come where they will jointly while away the evenings drinking Polish vodka and scotch, and alternately shouting "Freedom!" and "No. No. No. Not only is it unethical, it’s illegal because of international treaty".
* I’m sorry about that.
I took the question of the soon-to-be-ex-under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler’s future to His papship.
I made it clear that I felt that drinkin’ my _rape juice * _ was beyond the pale, and Fowllyd should go.
I keep my rape juice for special occasions, such as when it finally dawns upon Ohio Saint that he cannot attract women without significant external assistance, and I’m called to his bedside at 2:32am, and asked to either a) administer relief, or find a woman that will.
Anyway, my rape juice aside, His papship feels that you the votin’ public should have the chance to decide on the future of the soon-to-be-ex-under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler. His papship believes that whilst my work is of excellent quality, I am slowin’ down a little and could, therefore, do with the help.
So, up-vote this post, and the soon-to-be-ex-under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler will become the soon-to-be-under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler. Down-vote this post and the soon-to-be-ex-under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler will be the ex-under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler.
Probably/maybe.
* The *key is broken on my keyboard, so for the avoidance of doubt, rape juice is an unfortified version of wine. Probably.
*Cough*
So I’ve been standing in this damned foyer for weeks now and rung the bell and tried any way I can to get anyone’s attention and I’ve been here so long I haven’t had a chance to even get a change of clothes and had to watch people jump the queue ahead of me including damned lawyers who I always thought were the lowest of the low so I’m not even sure I want to be in a place that is this unwelcoming and the service so bad and frankly given the rates you charge it’s appalling and you wait until I get to my room and log on to tripadviser so I’m giving you a warning right now sort out my room with a complementary upgrade to something palatial or I’m going postal with a post so oh I don’t know there’s not even a word for it.
*Cough* (again).
I’ve been in the basement experimenting with alchemy and black wyrm gism.
I do apologise Furball.
The first rule of customer service is to never blame anyone else in the organisation, because whilst you might expunge yourself of guilt and responsibility, you will still trash the organisation’s reputation.
That said, it was Fowllyd’s fault.
I wouldn’t have bothered replying now, but your channeling of Molly Bloom spoke to me in a way that no other means of communication could.
Oh, and your threat to post something on SteveAdvisor made me reach for the welcoming stick double-quick. I’ve even paused Bitter Lake for the fifth time to ensure the promptness of your welcome.
Well, where to start?
His papship alerted me to the registration of Furball in a _once-_Private Message that simply read
A big swinging dick has just registered
Upon checking the identity of the person from whom the penile pendulum parabolated * , I corrected His papship (not something I am usually wont to do) with a simple reply.
_ THE big swinging dick has just registered_
I now realise why this poster chose the username he did. It had nothing to do with being a near-homophone for his posting name in the other place, but was instead because he is that big a swinging dick that, just like a furball, he’s likely to get stuck in your throat.
I’m sworn to secrecy about Furball’s real identity, but, were I not a butler pandering to His papship’s every whim, I might venture to say that I’M FUCKING LIVID that he registered.
I’ve been cultivating an image as the forum intellectual for years. It used to be so simple… Bletch=Intellectual. Turkish=Hardman. CB Fry=Angry, but now we’ve got another, strike that, we’ve got THE intellectual in our midst. All us faux-intellectuals are bound to lose - you know who you are.
Oh, and congratulations on your Mortar Boarder award.
And congratulations also on the citation created by His papship…
Tortorously intelligent. THE site intellectual.
And even more congratulations on the emphasis afforded by both the use of the definite article and its capitalisation.
I mean that most sincerely, folks.
Setting my personal bitterness to one side, I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say that we all look forward to Verball locking horns with His papship. I don’t mind admitting that when those two ‘got it on’ in the other place, the valve at base of this butler’s penis only allowed blood to flow one way.
I remember it like a scene from my favourite film:
[pap and Furble_ debate the_ Arab-Israeli situation, whilst pap gathers DNA (from behind) to unmask Ferble at a molecular level - actual size]
As a condition of his registration, Vurball will be staying in room 110100010 on the sixth floor - usually reserved for visiting dignitaries.
Vurble’s room will be just down the hall from from that excellent judge of character Plastic and that other great forum intellectual of our time, Redslo.
* Sorry about that.
I didn’t know! It hadn’t occured to me! Even tho as beltch says, the username is a pretty obvious homophobe, I only thought when I saw it that he should use a pic of my nutsack as his avatar.
Jeez, Bletch, now I wish I hadn’t asked. I just wanted a key, not to be fatally unmasked.
So yes, lady and gentlemen of papsweb, for shame it is I, Verbal. I fed my MI5 Enigma machine with Verbal and it scrambled it into Furball, which sounded pretty foolpoof to me – and so it had had proved with the fools of papsweb. Until now, godammit.
And one other thing. Would new posters stop the fuck stealing my carefully chosen avatar?!
Tbf, Verbal had dropped one or two clues. Cue jaws music. 