I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Miss Louise. This is His papship’s magnifcent ancestral home. What’s a ‘brothel’? And isn’t a ‘pimp’ a type of shoe? And why do you want to be cut? I do find you very hard to understand sometimes, but then I’m just a humble under-sub-under-footman with no breeding or sophistication.
1 Like
Wait till Bletch gets back. You’re are in the shit!
Begging your pardon, Miss Louise, and I don’t mean to be impertinent, but I think that Mr Bletch might take you to task for that second sentence.
1 Like
Ahem!!
Time for some more welcoming - as I’m getting quite good at this now (though I say so myself - I wouldn’t like to boast or presume) I’m going to do two in one post. I’ve seen Mr Bletch do it, and he makes it look so easy. But then when you’re Mr Bletch I’m sure everything does seem really easy. He’s so clever he once finished the crossword in the Sun - the difficult one, not the easy one. He did grunt a bit, but he got there. I don’t think many people could have done that.
So, let us bid welcome to Old Mr Ottery and Mr Jet Sounds. I’m sure a lot of use will remember Old Mr Ottery from another place that he used to frequent, but the locals there were very nasty to him so he left. They pulled out his whiskers, pinched the webbing between his toes and tweaked his tail - can you imagine? Their loss is cerainly His papship’s and our gain though. Those who didn’t know him before are in for a treat, as his posts so far already show. Old Mr Ottery is member number 74 and he’ll be in room 10000, next door to his old friend Mr Whelk. I know that Old Mr Ottery isn’t a sea otter, so I don’t think there’s any danger that he’ll mistake Mr Whelk for his dinner.
Mr Jet Sounds is somebody who I don’t think I knew before, but I could be wrong - I do get a bit muddled sometimes. I do know what a jet sounds like though - it goes whooooosh. I don’t know if Mr Jet Sounds goes whooooosh, but I can see from one of the threads about music that he has some splendid taste in that area. I particularly liked the J-Boogie tune he posted, and I did a little jog to it in my room the other day (before I was tucked up and shackled in for the night, obviously). Mr Jet Sounds is member number 73 and I’ve taken the liberty of putting him in room 110001, next to Mr LP Blower, who will certainly be able to keep his nice vinyl records in good shape for him.
Welcome to you both!
Fowllyd (under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler)
5 Likes
So far, so good, Fowlly D. I have been very impressed, not only with the level of butlering, which strikes the right tone between welcoming and menacing, but I have also admired your tenacity and application in addressing the backlog of members that bletch didn’t get around to.
Now I’m not saying that bletch is playing favourites. I’m not going to pretend that he ever said the words:-
“They’re all vermin, pap. Let them sleep in the gutters like the rats they are”
Because he didn’t, but a lot of people skim read long posts so despite being utter bollocks, I still think it’ll be 63% effective. Perhaps 65% with this extra sentence here.
Well done Fowlly D.
2 Likes
I think I’m going to go out on a limb here, Your papship, and say that Fowllyd is by far the second best butler this site has ever seen.
Second best, right, Your papship?
Your papship?
Originally posted by @saintbletch
I think I’m going to go out on a limb here, Your papship, and say that Fowllyd is by far the second best butler this site has ever seen. Second best, right, Your papship? Your papship?
Well, we’ve had two butlers and you fervently claim Fowlly D is the second best we’ve had?
Yes, you are going out on a limb.
Oh crikey, Mr Bletch and Your papship - I do hope I haven’t caused a stir, as that’s really the last thing I’d want to do. Mr Bletch has been so good and kind to me, and only ever punishes me when he really has to. Certainly no more than three times a day, and quite often it’s only twice. And as for Your papship - well, I don’t think an under-sub-under-footman could ask for a better lord and master.After all, you’ve put Mr Bletch in charge of me, and i don’t see how I could possibly wish for anything more.
I am a bit worried about the pet that Mr Bletch has in his room though - will it need to be fed before Mr Bletch returns? Should I have another look in Mr Bletch’s room?
1 Like
Originally posted by @Fowllyd
I am a bit worried about the pet that Mr Bletch has in his room though - will it need to be fed before Mr Bletch returns? Should I have another look in Mr Bletch’s room?
Nah, it’s fine. I’ve got my own packed lunch!
2 Likes
Well thankyou for the kind welcome Fowllyd (under-sub-under-footman and stand in butler) and for allocating me room 110001 next to Mr LP Blower. I do hope the room is soud proofed, as you’re already aware, I do like listening to music… LOUD!!! and I wouldn’t want to be the cause of any complaints from any of your other guests…but if I do happen to forget myself on the odd occassion when I’ve had a small San Miguel or Lambs Spiced…be sure to punish me accordingly.
jet sounds…sorreeee meant Fowllyd 
Many thanks for the welcome.
Those bully boyz over there 
They kept calling me names and firing their air guns in my direction. 
I feel much safer amongst such cuddly loving peeps. 
Originally posted by @old-ottery
jet sounds
Many thanks for the welcome.
Those bully boyz over there
They kept calling me names and firing their air guns in my direction.
I feel much safer amongst such cuddly loving peeps.
I have a feeling we’ve met somewhere before.
Las Vegas , Monte Carlo, Paris, Madrid?.. just sum of my many haunts 
I was in the Wrens netball team for many years 
until they susssssed me out 
No, I don’t think so. Think carefully, take your time, and play the soundtrack to Jaws in your head.
1 Like
I was also in the Wrens synchronised swimming team 
Kept looking over my shoulder for fear of shark attack
or was it those wicked sailor boyz?
Heavens, Mr Jet Sounds, I’m sure I would never think it right to punish you (or anyone else either). But Mr Bletch will be back shortly, and he quite enjoys that sort of thing. Well, I say quite enjoys, but between you and me I think it goes a bit further than that.
Ahem-hem-hem!
Did you like that one? I thought it showed some more character, and as His papship was so nice about me earlier I’ve been feeling quite wonderful today. I even went back to Mr Bletch’s room, as I felt quite bad about the funny low-down extra toilet in his bathroom. But it’s all cleaned up now! I found a funny mop thing in Mr Bletch’s room - for some reason he kept it on a sort of pretend head thing on his dressing table. Anyway, I cleaned out the toilet thing with this, gave it a rinse through and put it back on the head thing on the dressing table. Good as new! Well, perhaps not exactly good as new, but then a mop’s never going to stay completely good as new, is it?
It’s a bit strange that Mr Bletch was talking on here today, don’t you think? He said to me that he was going somewhere called Communicado; I looked it up on the map but I oculdn’t find it anywhere. So it must be very far away and difficult to get to, and there probably won’t be telephones or anything, so how can Mr Bletch talk to us form there? There really are so many things that I don’t understand.
But I’m neglecting my duties, and that will never do. I’ve been so busy today that I haven’t done a single welcome. So here we go then.
First, I’d like to welcome Mr Revolution to His papship’s magnificent abode. I think perhaps I should put Mr Revolution in a room without a television, as he may not like things to be televised. Actually, there is a television in every room, so I shall cover Mr Revolution’s one over with a sheet so that he won’t be too offended by its presence. a big welcome to you, Mr Revolution - you are member number 71 and you’ll be in room numbber 1011001, which seems like a very good numbber for a revolotion to me. I hope you will enjoy being with us - well, you know, we all want to change the world.
Next, please join me in welcoming Miss Hoofinruth to our number. Miss Hoofinrith is a real lady, just like Miss Louise and Miss Intiniki. Actually, I almost wish Mr Bletch were here to welcome Miss Hoofinrith, as I do find it so difficult to talk to real ladies, I don’t know why, but I go all funny and gooey when I try to talk to a lady. But I’m sure I’ll be able to welcome Miss Hoofinruth without doing any of that. She is a lady, and she is all lovely and sweet and nice like all ladies are, and I really hope she is happy here because I hope she stays here for a long time because it will be so lovely to have another lady in the house because Miss Louise will like that and I always want Miss Louise to be happy because she is a lady too and she is all lovely and sweet and nice too like ladies always are and I’m sure that Miss Initiniki will feel the same way too although I don’t really know Miss Initiniki but I’m sure that she will anyway. Miss Hoofinruth, you are member number 72, although it doesn’t seem right to give you a number as you’re a lovely lady. I’ve put you in room 100011000, which is next to Miss Louise who is a lovely lady also.
Well, I must go now as I’m quite worn out. There’s one thing I forgot to mention though. While I was in Mr Bletch’s room earlier, I found a key with a tag on it marked ‘Cellar’. I might go and have a look in there tomorrow, as I’m sure it will be very exciting and have lots of interesting things in it.
Fowllyd (under-sub-under-footman and stand-n butler)
2 Likes
Oh my days - whatever happened last night? I’ve only just woken up, I feel really strange and I’m in Mr Bletch’s room, There’s an awful mess in here that I need to clean up before he comes back. I think his pet might have escaped though, as the door to the room it was in is open and the room is empty. Oh dear oh dear, what a sorry state of affairs - I do hope Mr Bletch won’t be too cross.
I do remember having a look in the cellar yesterday. It wasn’t really interesting at all; it was just full of lots and lots of bottles of wine. I was a bit surprised to see that some of them were really old though - surely they must be past their use-by date? Anyway, I thought I might as well try a bottle, as they wouldn’t be likely to miss just the one. I picked one of the old ones too, as even if they do notice they won’t mind if it’s just an old one that’s gone. The one I took said something about a Mouton on the label - is that something to do with sheep? Funny name for a wine, but then it was made in 1961 and I suppose things were a bit different then.
To be honest, I didn’t really like it very much at all. I don’t normally drink wine, as I prefer nice drinks like WKD, and this just tasted all sharp and heavy. So I put some lemonade in it and it tasted much better! Actually, I really started to enjoy it. By the time I’d finished off the bottle I liked it so much I wanted to have a bit more, so I went and got another bottle from the cellar. I got about halfway through the second bottle when I ran out of lemonade, so I went to get some more. Miss Louise looked at me a bit strangely when I was getting it from the kitchen, but she didn’t say anything.
Oh, I’ve just remembered some more! I finished off the other bottle, and I was really feeling a bit woozy. I went back to the kitchen to see Miss Louise, and told her I felt a bit funny and was there anything I could take to wake me up a bit. She laughed in a funny sort of way and said that yes, she knew that Mr Bletch has some very special smelling salts in his room. She said I should find some of them and take areally big sniff and this would sort me out very well.
So I went back up to Mr Bletch’s room and had a look for the smelling salts. Miss Louise had told me exactly what the package would look like, so I didn’t have too much trouble finding them. I rememmber opening a packet and finding some nice white powder in it, and I knew that this must be the smelling salts. So I took a really big sniff, and they made my nose feel all funny and tingly. I didn’t really feel very awake though, do I took another big sniff just to be on the safe side. But I think they must have just put me to sleep, as I don’t remember anything at all after that.
I wanted to welcome some more people to His papship’s lovely house, but I didn’t do any at all yesterday. Perhaps once I’ve sorted out Mr Bletch’s room I’ll be able to do some more. I do feel very weak though. Perhaps I ate something that didn’t agree with me.
Fowllyd (under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler)
4 Likes
Thanks again Fowlly D, for a sterling commitment to the art of quality butlering and the loyalty you’ve shown to bletch. Let’s be honest, bletch’s famed power over words has taken something of a battering since he arrived here. Part of it is a lack of spell-checker, but that’s just syntax.
It’s really been the application of those words for the wrong purpose that has been the problem, compounded by an idleness on the butlering thread that a Frenchman would consider to be something of a workplace liberty ( he does absolutely fuck all between 2am and 5:30am in the morning, y’know! ).
It’s great that the likes of hoofinruth and revolution have been retro-actively recognised, and it has been increasingly obvious over the course of the week that the writing is on the wall, and that those words are:-
“bletch has been butler-pwned by a noob”.
Consequently, I thought what you did last night was very noble. Taking on the persona of an utterly inebriated person, calling (or at least trying) to call the pair of us cunts, and trying something, ANYTHING, to make yourself look less competent than the vacationing incumbent. Very noble indeed.
1 Like