Well, I’m sure mother is going to very pleased when I relate the news that you found her indistinguishable from a jackal in the mid 1970s, father. She really isn’t getting less formidable with age, so it’s a good job you live on an island.
I quite like that plan for my Godfather 2 moving the family to the south venture. Isle of Wight. Close enough to be around, but a comforting body of water in between.
A-ahem!
I think it’s time for me to get started with my proper butler duties now. I really hope I do this right, because I wouldn’t want to upset Mr Bletch because he’s so wonderful and kind to me, and I know how it hurts him when he has to string me up by my toes. I really am so lucky to have such an understanding master.
So, I’ll start my welcomes with a man who’s been loitering in the grounds for far too long now. Please don’t think I mean that in a bad way, as I would never ever wish to cause offence. But Mr Ohio Saint has been waiting for his welcome for many weeks now, and I think it’s only fair to give him a warm welcome and a nice warm room with a bath and shower. Please don’t take that to mean that I think that Mr Ohio Saint smells - I’m sure he doesn’t really, whatever people might say.
Anyway, Mr Ohio lives somewhere quite distant I believe, but I’m not sure just where. His profile picture is of his famous ancestor Paul Bunyan, the renowned tree-feller, though I think that Mr Ohio himself is better at downing beer than he is at downing trees. He also seems to be quite taken by the Canadian show singer Michael Booblies, as he mentions him rather a lot. Please don’t think I’m insinuating that Mr Ohio Saint is a great big nancy boy who loves show tunes - I would rather boil my own head than have you think that. And if I’ve offended Mr Ohio then Mr Bletch might get upset and have to boil my head anyway, or perhaps nail ti to the floor.
Sorry, I do seem to keep rambling. Mr Ohio, I’m taking the liberty of putting you in the first of three rooms with inter-connecting doors - it’s room 10001101. When Mr Sadoldgit moves out of Miss Louise’s room I’ll put him in the third room, which is of course 10001111. The middle room, 10001110, is being reserved for a lovely man who I’m sure will be arriving soon. He’s a Commander I believe, and I’m sure that the three of you will get along famously.
Well, that’s my first welcome done. I think I’ll go for a nice lie-down now, and see if I can manage another welcome later this evening.
Fowllyd (under-sub-under footman and stand-in butler)
Originally posted by @Fowllyd
A-ahem!
Sorry, I do seem to keep rambling. Mr Ohio, I’m taking the liberty of putting you in the first of three rooms with inter-connecting doors - it’s room 10001101. When Mr Sadoldgit moves out of Miss Louise’s room I’ll put him in the third room, which is of course 10001111. The middle room, 10001110, is being reserved for a lovely man who I’m sure will be arriving soon.
When I’m finished with him, I don’t think sadoldgit will be moving anywhere…
Gosh, Miss Louise! I do hope Mr Sadoldgit hasn’t done anything bad.
Well, if he hasn’t, it sounds like he’s just about to.
Lucky him.
Well, I do feel rather better after a nice rest - Mr Bletch is kind enough to let me have at his word puzzles once he’s finished them, so I had a look at a few of those. He has left an awful lot of welcoming undone though, but I’m sure there are very good reasons for that. I’m sure he wouldn’t just leave things and go swanning off on a jollly. Of course he wouldn’t, not Mr Bletch.
So here’s a big welcome to Mr Internet Tough Guy. Now I don’t know much about these things, but I have been told that there are a lot of tough guys on the internet. However, it does seem that perhaps we have the one and only original, as I’ve never heard anybody actually call themselves that. More often, it seems, people get called it.
I can see, though, that Mr Internet Tough Guy hasn’t picked himself a profile picture yet. I’m sure it’s not really my place to suggest one, but how about this:
I think he looks pretty tough.
Also, if you don’t mind my saying so Mr Internet Tough Guy, you don’t seem to have posted a lot. I do hope that the hurly-burly of our humble abode hasn’t made you feel a little intimidated. I’m sure it can’t have done, given your status as a tough guy. Or perhaps it’s the other way round, and you’d like a bit more grit and maybe a few threats? I’m afraid I really can’t oblige in that area, Sir, given my lowly status. Perhaps when Mr Bletch returns to these shores he will be able to help.
Anyway, I have put you into room 1001000, next to Mr PJ Hooper. He’s quite a hard-boiled character I believe, so I’m sure the two of you will get along like a house on fire. Miss Louise likes a hard man, or so Mr Bletch says, so I’m sure she’ll be along very soon to turn down your bed.
Fowllyd (under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler)
I am trying to find the complaints dept in this hotel or is the Pap Motel?
you just can’t get the staff these days. I have been in reception waiting for a room for nearly three weeks possibly longer, where do I get changed, Lou’s room is always full and the Bear has had a shit in his because he couldn’t find the woods.
I’ve been buttled!! Funny, I thought being buttled would involve more butt contact. How do theses things get their names?
Is Bletch the over Buttler and Folly his underling plaything in the buttling games?
As I’m sure Sir knows, I was only installed HEAD Butler midway through this forum’s short life. My records show that someone signed the register as “Ladyboy Phil” BEFORE I took up my post.
Guests arriving before that point in time appear to have already found their way to the bar, are happily chatting with other transgender guests and are generally less needy.
Either way, Welcome. Oh, and if Sir will permit me to say, your Dr Martens don’t go with your eye shadow.
PS good job Mr Flyd.
Originally posted by @saintbletch
Originally posted by @PhilippineSaint
I am trying to find the complaints dept in this hotel or is the Pap Motel?
you just can’t get the staff these days. I have been in reception waiting for a room for nearly three weeks possibly longer, where do I get changed, Lou’s room is always full and the Bear has had a shit in his because he couldn’t find the woods.
As I’m sure Sir knows, I was only installed HEAD Butler midway through this forum’s short life. My records show that someone signed the register as “Ladyboy Phil” BEFORE I took up my post. Guests arriving before that point in time appear to have already found their way to the bar, are happily chatting with other transgender guests and are generally less needy. Either way, Welcome. Oh, and if Sir will permit me to say, your Dr Martens don’t go with your eye shadow. PS good job Mr Flyd.
Oh thank you so much Mr Bletch sir, I’m so so grateful to you for your kind words.
I had to sleep without my shackles last night as you weren’t there to put them on and Miss Louise was busy, but I promise you faithfully I didnt leave my room all night.
Originally posted by @Fowllyd
Miss Louise likes a hard man, or so Mr Bletch says, so I’m sure she’ll be along very soon to turn down your bed.
I often find hard men quite useful, particularly to get at those difficult to reach spots.
(when dusting).
Hotel…Motel??? I was under the impression it was Pap’s Spa Retreat. 
I’ve been stood in the hallway for the last 45 minutes in just my black socks waiting for my morning relief massage. WTF is going on!
Ahem!
I think I’m getting better at this! I’ll try to do it more like Mr Bletch now!
Time for another welcome then, and today I’ll be extending the warm, moist hand of Sotonian greeting to Mr Peahead. He comes from a large family of Heads, most notable of whom are Dead, Flower, Machine and Mine. His real name is Richard but he prefers to be known as Pea for professional purposes. His name is also an anagram of ‘Had a peep’, which suggests that he may have been loitering in the environs of Miss Louise’s room. So, welcome to Pap Palace, Peahead; you are member number 80 so I’ve put you in room 1010000 as it’s the same number.
There! How was that? I do hope that Mr Bletch isn’t cross that I tried to write like him - I only did it because I love and admire him so much, and I’m sure he’ll realise that and be understanding. I do miss Mr Bletch so much, but luckily I found a spare set of keys and I think one of them is to his room, so I shall have a look a bit later as I’m sure I’ll feel closer to his awesome presence when I’m in there. I’m quite excited about this - I’ve never even been close to Mr Bletch’s rooms before.
Fowllyd (under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler)
The pictures on the dark wen would suggest otherwise. How this may have come about is under debate but I have heard rumour that Mr Bletch and Miss Louise have vastly drained the rohypnol supplies found in the underbasements!
Make of that what you will!!
Originally posted by @Fowllyd
Ahem!
I think I’m getting better at this!
I think so too! In all the years I’ve known you I would never have thought that you’d rise to the depths of under-sub-under-footman and stand-in butler. Your friends and family are all very proud
I sure seem to be getting it a lot in this hotel!
Oh Lord - I’ve just got back from Mr Bletch’s room! I don’t think I should ever go in there again. He’s got a very big one - in fact, it’s enormous. I did have a look in the bathroom, which has gold taps and a funny little extra toilet. I hope the poo I did in that will go away, because it did seem to get a bit stuck. There were a lot of funny bottles in there - one of them had ‘Rohypnol’ written on it, but it was all crossed out, so Mr BTripz was obviously wrong in what he said before. Perhaps Mr Bletch had some Rohypnol before, but he’s now put something else in the bottle. I don’t know. What is Rohypnol anyway? Would I like it do you think?
Anyway, I was just coming out of the bathroom when I heard a strange sound coming from a cupboard. At least, I think it was a cupboard, but Mr Bletch’s room is so magnificent that it could even have been another room. It sounded a bit like someone trying to speak, but I couldn’t make out any words. Perhaps Mr Bletch has some exotic pets, but I was worried that he’d left them while he’s away. I didn’t dare to go in there though, and I don’t know if any of the keys I have would have fitted the lock anyway. I went to look for Mr Hypochondriac to help me, because I know he’s really brave, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. Has anybody seen him?
I’m going to have a lie down now, and take in the glow of my magic green lantern that Mr Bletch let me keep that time, as I really am very tired now and I keep worrying about Mr Bletch’s poor pet stuck in the cupboard up there.
Well you are very, very popular Miss Louise, and everybody here likes you very much. I only wish I could be as popular as you, but I don’t suppose I ever will be.
<suspicious> …
…this whole “hotel” and “butler” thing isn’t code for “brothel” and “pimp” is it?
If so…where’s my cut??!