I had about 5 old mobile phones, managed to find all their chargers, reset them all to factory settings and gave them to a refugee charity. I do have an old laptop somewhere but heck knows what I will do to dispose of it.
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Cannot get my seat post out of the fucking frame of my bike. It is jammed solid and no amount of pulling , twisting, hitting and swearing is moving the stubborn bastard. To make matters worse I have oil on my jeans and have skinned my knuckles. Cycling is for fucking retards. Piss of shit bike.
Now heading to the lets get pissed of Friday thread…
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Think your mistake was that you forgot to take dodgy drugs before cycling like Sky did
Allegedly. Via courier. Probably.
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Leave it on the train like most other government officials is the accepted practice.
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I can imagine the scene.
Clerk 1: “It’s here again!”
Clerk 2: “What’s it dressed as this time? A rib? Someone that leaves same sex partners?”
Clerk 1: “A pickled ferret of some description. Give it whatever it wants. Just make it go away!”
When did cinemas get so loud?!
Discovering that the bottle of King Goblin that you have just savoured is the last one in the house.
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When you got older 
Surely I’d be struggling with hearing as I get older?! Had a recent hearing check and it’s all ok. Used earplugs today to dampen the sound.
… it’s a tolerance, not a hearing, issue 
Was that planned? If not why did you have ear plugs with you?
Rogue hairs that grow out of your ears and nose.
Where do they come from.?
Weeks go by and there is nothing out of the ordinary, then one day you wake up and there is an inch long hair sticking out of your nostril. How does it grow so quickly?
And why is this becoming more frequent as I get older?
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I’m still waiting for the hairs on my balls to grow. When does that happen?
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When was the last time you were able to see them to check?
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Always have Earplugs on me these days for loud pubs and bars and when I head to gigs. Otherwise I’d forget them.
I used to work with a bloke called Ken. I’ve had this story confirmed by my former boss, and it’s brilliant.
One day, the boss gets a call in the morning. Bear in mind that Ken is over thirty at this point.
“Hello, this is Ken’s mum. He’s unwell this morning and won’t be able to make it in”.
This would already be a good story at this point if it were only the story of a 30-something getting his mum to call in sick for him. It is not.
My former boss is unconvinced by what he hears down the phone. He asks one question, but by God it was the right one.
“Is this Ken speaking now?”
It was Ken, impersonating his mum falsetto, and not doing a very good job of it.
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Queue jumpers without a fucking good excuse.
I am, in one way at least, your typical Brit. I know how to wait my turn without grumbling and expect my compatriots to do the same or undergo a serious “I am not a German”* test, perhaps recycled from the 1940s.
I see it every day on the roads. Pricks that zip down a filter lane with their indicators on at the last minute. People that park their car horizontally across three lanes of traffic to ensure they’re moving off ahead of the people they’re blocking off.
I see it less in person, but just witnessed it in the shop. I’m next in the queue, stood slightly off to the side to give people some space. Cradling a fridge pack, I am an obvious and somewhat urgent shopper.
Her little spawn pick up some sweets and magazines, so while I felt bad for them when the cost of the magazine bust queue-jumpers’ budget, I did think of instant karma when the shop assistant said “It’s too dear for your mum, love”. The queue was pretty hefty at this point.
* I used to think German queue jumping was a populist myth, but I saw them in action on a tour in Lanzarote. They were over that buffet like it was Poland.
I still get self conscious when I arrive at the airport to check in, and the queue for baggage class is half a mile long, and I walk all the way past to either the Internet check in or the business class check in. You can feel the eyes boring into the back of your head and they are all thinking look at that twat jumping the queue we are all in.
So Ross Wilson has decided to stay at Southampton rather than become DoF at Rangers? What is that stupid slap head Reed playing at? He is supposed to be forcing good people out of the club! Twat!
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