The frustating thing about it is that my brain is convinced that i am 21. ie I can play sport like a 21 yr old, drink like a 21 yr old, stay up late like a 21 yr old, iām as cool as a 21 yr old.
Reality can be a real bitch
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Kidās 2nd birthday at the weekend. I donāt know why I am telling you but seems to be the done thing on here. What happens next? Do I post a link to a just giving page or send you all a PayPal invoice for presents or whatever? How does this usually work?
That is one for their wedding day.
It is a good idea but I donāt think they will still fit in the outfit on their wedding day. You have to get that stuff specially made if it is for adults. PM me and I will give you the details of this guy in Shinjuku I know who makes some great stuff.
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Havenāt you heard of āMy big fat cephalopod weddingā?
It all the rage
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Heard of it? Who do you think made it fashionable?
You spend about 2hours with a load of other 2 year olds and their parents pretending itās a proper party. Then you go home and you and Mrs Tokyo get pissedā¦same next year and the year after ad infinitumā¦
Nah f*ck that, I didnāt do any of that. He doesnāt know what day it is so I just hung around with him for a bit and played football. He is shit by the way and keeps picking the ball up. I was tempted to two-footed tackle the little bugger but let him off as it was his birthday.
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Donāt mollycoddle the little cheat. Give him a dig in the ribs.
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I donāt want to put him off as I love recreating the Le tiss V Newcastle goal again and again. Dumb kid falls for it everytime.
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Right then Ladies and Gentlemen,
The eldest nipper has just told me that he would like me to stand up in front of his college and extoll his virtues during the graduation ceremonyās
As un-acustomed to speech making as I am what the hell am I meant to say ?
Yes he is the bestest pupil the school has had. The college has done a wonderful job of getting him to this stage of his life
I realize that this is not a British thing but some of you out there must have done this thing before.
So any pre planned speeches readily accepted. I can edit the bits about his achievements in.
And this has to be prepared for Monday Morning My time about midnight Sunday for those in the UK.
Ta.
Weāre paying Ā£75 for tickets today.
For young adult #1ās graduation ceremony. Thanks to any that voted for her in that poll I posted. She made the countryās top 100 women, it gave her a massive boost. Sheās on the final stretch.
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Ladies and Gentlmen, Iād like to thank the college for preparing my son academically for the rigours of modern commercial lifeā¦no matter how unlikely that may seem.
I have however taken it upon myself to show him how to use hyperbole on a day to day basisā¦this being one such occasion.
Thank you.
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Two phrases I usually kick off with are:
-
Unaccustomed as I am to public speakingā¦
-
Some people are born to greatness, but others have greatness thrust upon themā¦
oh, and the surefire wedding hit "You do realise that typically you can get out of jail for murder after seven yearsā¦
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Iāve done two best man speeches. In one, I was a pissed mess in a penguin suit. Neither speech nor marriage went well.
The other went pretty well. I keep asking if @intiniki had it on tape somewhere. I was particularly motivated because there was some annoying cow there willing me to fuck it up (not @intiniki - I should mention). I managed my alcohol intake perfectly that day, always on the verge of pissed, but not quite.
The people at the reception told me not to make it too dirty, as that didnāt go down too well. Nevertheless, I managed to slip a story about pre-bride penis revealment into a best man speech perfectly tastefully, tie it to Star Wars, and make him look like a cock.
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He may have been born a girl but heās turned into an average ladā¦
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Thanks every one I asked his relatives and got the same replies 
Speech has been written printed and is now resting on the inside of a jacket pocket that I will probably lose somewhere between home and the school and will end up adlibbing the whole thing which is probably what I should have done in the first place.
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