All that build up for one appalling pun that even I would be ashamed of. 
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I liked it, donât be so crabby.
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Yeah
I think he was being a bit shellfish with that reply
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One of my faves - especially setting in Sowth effreka⌠and the Prawns all living in Shante townsâŚ.
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Dogs
They say dogs are a manâs best friend.
But are they, really?
By the time we get a human best friend, most will not shit on your carpet, rip up your cushions, or bark incessantly at a ghost in the corner of the room only they can sense.
Theyâll demand to go out for dinner and drinks, not walks. Theyâll even split the bill.
So why do we love dogs so much?
Is it because they know when weâre ill or upset, and comfort us when they sense our distress?
Is it because they have excellent riff-raff detection skills and have been known to bite a burglar or two?
Or is it perhaps that they are our only known detection mechanism for Terminators sent from the future to complete a bootstrap paradox?
Itâs obviously all of the above â and more.
Unlike your cat, who will do its best to practice complete indifference to your supposed existence, a dog is genuinely pleased to see you whenever it sees you.
There are exceptions in either direction, of course. One of the most singular was the case of a Mr Dick Chipstick, who â according to the local Crown Court â was guilty on five counts of taking the âmanâs best friendâ proverb too far.
Chipstickâs defence brief put up a brave fight, calling a medical expert to testify that the defendant had a rare genetic condition that made his undercarriage smell like freshly cooked sausages.
âBut only to the sensitive nose of a dog,â he added, carefully.
The prosecution successfully contested this theory by parading a procession of pooches known to be on the promiscuous side within the âdoggingâ community.
One snatched a bag of Frazzles out of the hand of the court clerk â which remained the peak of the houndsâ interest.
Another dog sniffed in the general direction of Chipstick, and said to his pal:
âI wouldnât touch it with yours, mate.â
In closing, the judge said:
âThe court finds you to be a repeat offender, a sexual danger to dogs everywhere. You shall never be able to keep a dog again. Do you have anything to say in your defence before I pass sentence?â
âYes, milord,â said Chipstick.
âI donât know what the fuss is about. Ninety-five percent of dogs will try to lick your genitals the first time you meet them.â
âThe rest can be trained with peanut butter,â he added.
Chipstick received the maximum recommended sentence for each charge, to run concurrently.
On release, his licensing conditions will mandate a restraining order that prevents him going anywhere near dogs â or Sun-Pat.
or @scotty
Donington
Depending on who you ask, youâll get a different answer to the question:
âWhat is Donington?â
Castle Donington
Built in the 12th century, it is one of the most disappointing castles in the UK.
The bits that remain are now part of another building. Meanwhile, the locals call the whole town Castle Donington â which simply serves to confuse things further.
The most disappointing castle in England, however, is arguably Castle News and Foods in Glossop. One Google review reads:
âThe owner called the police after I intended to survey the local area from the battlements. The most disappointing castle in England.â
Commenting on the review, Barry Castle, originally from Liverpool, responded:
âWe sell papers, ciggies and Pop-Tarts. You ran up into the flat, perched yourself on top of our bath, and refused to leave. Itâs not a castle, you blert. The shopâs called what it is because my second name is Castle.â
Despite Barryâs defence, the venue has yet to feature in Castles Quarterly.
âWe donât cover motte-and-baileys, sadly,â a spokesperson said.
Donington Park
Donington Park normally operates as a racetrack, catering for types of racing with niche appeal. These include:
- Motorcycle racing
- Formula anything-other-than-One
- The annual Leicestershire Education Authority Sack Race
During the sack race, local schoolchildren pit once per lap to change sacks, fill up on gobstoppers, and bemoan the madness of making the countyâs children hop about in burlap with no sun-shield â save for the Dunlop sign.
Download
Download is a rock festival that runs for three days in early June. Featuring a rockersâ village, itâs infamous for its âno beer in the arenaâ policy â which involves temporary security guards frisking patrons for Pernod with the zeal of a peak Cold War Checkpoint Charlie guide.
Known as âDrownloadâ during wetter years.
Monsters of Rock
Monsters of Rock was a one-day festival that ran from 1980â2002, also infamous for its drinks policy.
No bottles or cans were allowed â but you could take drinks in, provided you poured them into large plastic containers first.
No bottles or cans were ever thrown at bands.
But gallon containers of piss?
Oh yes.
Urine would arc overhead, launched by people too lazy to leave the crowd â raining down into the singing mouths of the innocent.
Donnington (sic)
One of five other places in England that people accidentally end up in when they meant to go to a motor race or a rock festival.
Race fans are naturally disappointed when the fastest thing moving is a chipped tractor.
Download fans are crushed to find the headliner is a man walking his dog to the pub.
Monsters of Rock fans feel initial shame at getting it so wrong â but are relieved that, for once, no one is taking the piss.
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Donkey Kong (arcade)
There are few truly influential early arcade video games. Donkey Kong, released in 1981 by Nintendo, is one of them.
Itâs arguably the first platform game â and definitely the first video game to feature both Kong and a yet-unnamed Mario.
Pretty much every platform game youâve ever played owes a debt to it.
Itâs still a compelling and hypnotising game today, better known now thanks to being the titular video game in the film King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters.
The movie is part documentary, part fiction â chronicling the battle to become the Donkey Kong world high score champion.
The stars of the show were Steve Wiebe, a man who plays Donkey Kong in his garage so much itâd make a monk look nonchalant, and Billy Mitchell, a mullet-twirling villain with a Dick Dastardly air about him.
People have become rather obsessed with Billy Mitchell as a result â especially given the constant claims that he cheated his way to a high score.
In King of Kong, Wiebe is filmed playing the game live on genuine Donkey Kong arcade hardware.
The best Mitchell was able to offer in response was a low-quality VHS tape he claimed to have recorded earlier.
No evidence of a real arcade cabinet â just the screen output.
The most damning accusation was that heâd used MAME â an emulator for playing arcade games on other hardware â which can do things original machines cannot, such as pausing, rewinding, or reloading a game.
Needless to say, thatâs frowned upon.
Karl Jobst, a Brisbane YouTuber who specialises in outing cheaters in the speed-running community, spent several years making videos about Mitchellâs alleged exploits.
Eventually, he said something actually defamatory â at least in the eyes of a Queensland magistrate.
Mitchellâs lawyers were on him like a shot.
The result?
Jobst was ordered to pay over a million Australian dollars in costs and damages.
Tips for playing Donkey Kong
- Learn the boards before trying anything fancy. You wonât get a high score if youâre dead.
- You can earn 100 extra points per jump by flicking the joystick in the opposite direction mid-jump.
- Ladders are a necessary evil. Learn to dismount consistently â otherwise, ladders will be death.
Tips for YouTubers covering Donkey Kong
- Do not say anything defamatory about Billy Mitchell in public.
If youâre lucky, youâll end up in King of Kong II: A Shitload of Court Bills, and make enough money to pay them.
If youâre not, you might end up under a motorway bridge, wearing a cardboard sign that reads:
âWill âTube for Coins.â
Billy Mitchell always has a plan.
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He learnt from his older brothers Phil and GrantâŚ
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Doom (PC Game)
Doom (1993) wasnât the inaugural first-person shooter.
That honour probably belongs to its older brother, Wolfenstein 3D.
But Doom was the first one where Hitler in a mech suit wasnât the final boss.
Technically, Doom was leagues ahead of Wolfenstein â with ceilings, floors, and lighting effects giving the illusion of true 3D.
Wolfensteinâs walls were mostly bedecked with Nazi iconography and low-res renderings of the FĂźhrer.
Both games had their innards crafted by John Carmack, who casually invented ray-casting before anyone else knew it could be done.
For years, Doom became the gold standard test of what your PC could handle.
âCan it run Doom?â
âYeah.â
âWith the screen size set to something slightly bigger than âpostage stampâ?â
âEr, no.â
Thus Doom became the touchstone for judging whether a '90s machine was actually any good.
Like David Brabenâs Frontier: Elite II, it was one of those rare games that made loyal Amiga owners finally admit they needed a PC.
These days, Doom will run on anything.
And if it doesnât, someone will make it.
Ports include:
- A modern SNES port using a new custom chip dubbed the SuperFX 3
- Microsoft Excel
- An ultrasound machine
- A Canon inkjet printer
- A Tesla dashboard
- A Raspberry Pi powered by a potato-powered battery
And finally â the Amiga.
Years too late to save the machine, and running slower than a snail on the surface of Jupiter on a stock A1200.
Modern Doom sequels may need a bit more oomph than a root vegetable,
but theyâre still known for running smoother than many of their modern FPS rivals.
People no longer ask âCan it run Doom?â
They now ask âWhy doesnât everything else run this well?â
Doom.
Coming to the VIC-20 soon. Probably.
Mate used to work for a games developer in Southampton. I can remember going round their office, letting myself in (door code ZX81) and then playing multiplayer doom on a LAN - this would have been 94 / 95
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Your mates had different interests to most of mine. Iâd have more likely been told 80085.
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Electric Dreams?
SCi
I thought they were on the Isle of Shite.
Naughty boys. Carmageddon is still a fave.
We used to play Unreal Tournament during our lunch breaks of course.
The sound of âHeadshotâ is still one I can hear in my head.
Doomcock
Doomcock is a YouTuber who broadcasts anonymous critiques of genre movies â especially superhero films.
Most anonymous YouTubers just avoid pointing the camera at themselves.
Doomcock does point a camera at himself, employing a Doctor Doom-style mask and cloak to hide his pimples and his adult baby romper.
Though his true identity remains unknown, many have speculated that he is a failed scriptwriter.
He regularly tears into films, often with the unspoken subtext that he could have done better. Heâs especially upset about movies that recast women or minorities as characters previously played by white heterosexual males.
Occasionally, he experiences moments of clarity that are not entirely driven by creative envy.
Some suspect that Doomcock is actually J.J. Abrams, still trying to get his long-abandoned Badgers vs. Weasels sci-fi epic greenlit.
This theory â and the failed screenwriter theory â are not mutually exclusive.
The lad already seems to have a good grasp of his joystickâŚ
A decent cartoonist could juxtapose the joystick with Big Ronâs.