📖 💡 Pap's Almanac

Monkey Tennis
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Curry, Adam

Adam Curry is someone who really isn’t as famous as he should be, despite making an early entrance into European pop culture as one of MTV’s original “VJs” — or video jockeys — back in the days when MTV played music videos 24/7 and cable TV in the United Kingdom was seen by five people and a dachshund.

At the time, Curry was a Euro-friendly, long-haired presence, styling himself on the glam rock bands of the day.

Curry is also known as the Godfather of Podcasting, having worked with Dave Winer to create and promote the podcast format. Winer handled most of the techy stuff, while Curry ran some of the earliest podcasts on the planet.

He currently presents the dubiously named podcast No Agenda.
The show has spent the past eighteen years throwing shade on almost every piece of domestic and foreign policy news — as well as popular conspiracies of the day.

They frequently promote the meme “two to the back of the head”, which refers to the paradox of someone allegedly committing suicide via two gunshots to the back of the skull — often with a not-so-subtle finger pointed at their own government.

It says almost nothing about Israel, though — which has led some to conclude that, despite its pretensions (and jingle reinforcement of said pretensions), the show might have some agenda after all.

It’s becoming increasingly untenable — and if Curry doesn’t address it soon, he might find himself back to enjoying his European cable TV numbers, as the Podfather’s children start to move out.

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Indeed. Fuck is an ancient word to plant a seed - so not without some skill became associated with cunts as one literally needs to fuck a cunt (plant seed in vagina) to procreate…

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Rubbish.
Everyone knows Fuck is the ancient name for Golf

:roll_eyes:

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In my case, it was generally used after putting.

325

…or a hole in one. e.g. How good was that!

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I’ve skipped a couple of C entries and will get back to them after a bit of a rewrite.

Daredevil

Daredevil has the worst gig in the superhero pantheon.
His powers stemmed from a chemical spill and a disability — losing his sight but gaining massive acuity in all other senses, to the extent that he can “see” better than we can.

In his day job as Matt Murdock, practising attorney, he knows when a witness is lying.
He can hear their heartbeat flutter. He’s peerless in that respect.

His sense of touch not only allows him to read non-Braille books by feeling the ink on the page — it’s also a big part of how he “sees.”
He can feel where things are.

Daredevil can track people by smell alone.

Sure, the blindness is awful. But most people might consider that a fair swap.

Most people are wrong.

Have you ever considered what it would be like to hear every in-car karaoke soloist belting their heart out in a city block?
Or to smell the farts of a thousand arses in Smells Kitchen?

The smell is the second worst downside.
To smell anything, you have to have a particle of that thing in your nose.
The only difference between us, Daredevil, and our dogs is that they can smell it… and we can’t.

Of all four remaining senses, being able to taste better might be the worst.

Matt Murdock lives in constant fear that he will eat a Pot Noodle by mistake — and die on the spot.

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Dastardly, Dick

Dick Dastardly is a cartoon villain dating back to the 1960s.
His dog Muttley is the only living thing known to be able to tolerate Dastardly in a personal capacity — and is the reason that we, as viewers, tolerate the antics of this man, cartoon or not.

Dastardly’s exploits are an affront to traditional British values.
What with the cheating, the unsportsmanlike behaviour, and adoption of modern technology — it’s just not cricket.

And of course, life can and does imitate art.

Lord Dick Bastard-Leigh of Bastard-Leigh is one such imitation.

“Well I called him Dick because I was a fan of that splendid Grand Prix show The Wacky Races.
Dick. Not Richard. Not Ricky or Dicky or Rikkitikitavi.
DICK!”
— Lord Pubert Bastard-Leigh, speaking to Melvin Bragg on the South Bank Show, 1992

Bastard-Leigh is the five-time winner of the Canal Bull Run, a low-speed narrowboat race that starts in Liverpool Docks and ends in Bristol Harbour — widely considered the Tour de France of the narrowboating world.

Bastard-Leigh shrugs off accounts that his barge has sprouted wings, fired barge-to-barge missiles at other vessels, or thrown sausages onto the decks of rival boats so his dog Fuck-Leigh can jump over and cause havoc.

He’ll admit to that and more.

Strangely, the one thing Bastard-Leigh will not tolerate is mispronunciation of his name.

“It’s Bastard-LEDGE, you fuckers! If there’s one thing you can get right, get that right! Bastard-LEDGE!”

“We’re sorry, Mr Bastard-LEE…”

“I’ve had enough. Sic the bastards, Fuck-Ledge!”

1 Like
328

True story.
Old Sarum Flying Club did an away day to Le Touqet
We had 8 aircraft flying. They would need to cross restricted Gatwick Air Space.
They were pre booked as a Combo. Each of us took a call sign and registered it
Somehow in a borrowed Grumman Cheetah I was 1st plane out.
True Call
"Gatwick Control, this is Vultur Squadron, Dick Dastardly requesting transit FL (3000 feet) etc.
Silence
Uh oh Roger Dick Dastardly, continue on heading … squaek…

Gatwick Control, Speedbird blah blah, was that?
Correct Sppedbird, continue descrnt…
Gatwick Control, Vulture Squadron, Muttley entering…
Etc

One of the truly great moments in life

2 Likes
329

Dead or Alive (video game series)

Dead or Alive is a series of fighting games developed by Tecmo — a Japanese firm which, ahem (checks messages from lawyers), appreciates the female form.

After Virtua Fighter invented the 3D polygonal fighter and Tekken refined it, Tecmo provided the next evolution in the genre:

A dedicated counter button… and big, bouncing boobs.
Boobs tweaked to ignore the laws of physics — to look bouncier.

They’re no longer known just for the big bouncing boobs.
These are still present, but now accompanied by sexual poses, borderline-tasteless water effects, and lethal sexpots who fight with a wink and a jiggle.

* Only the women, of course. As I said — they’re a firm that certainly appreciates the female form.

Kleenex are one of their key suppliers.

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This one is out of order. Time machine back to B.

Balls, Ed

Edward Balls, commonly known as Ed Balls, almost certainly had the nickname “Woodballs” while attending school, from the very first registration call.

His teacher would have read his name out and would inevitably have had to say “Woodballs” as a consequence of saying “Edward Balls.”

This is the reason why he goes by Ed.

Married to UK Home Secretary Yvette Cooper, she has elected not to pick up the Balls during the act of matrimony. She was not at home to Mrs Balls.

Ed’s other likely nicknames included:

  • Ed “Weird” Balls

  • Edward Woodward Balls

  • Ed Balls Sack

Ed’s favourite chat-up line was:

“Hi, I’m Ed Balls. And I would balls you.”

This served both as a means of attracting women and as a way of owning his detested nickname by saying it out loud.

The only person to allegedly fall for it was future wife Yvette Cooper — a claim she has rejected. Cooper maintains that the music was too loud and that she thought Balls was speaking about tax policy reform.

She also calls him Woodballs whenever he steps out of line.

1 Like
331

How many balls would Ed Balls balls if Edward Woodward balls?

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Nah, its an abomination. The worst possible example of 80s bad taste and excess hair which seemed to permeate though all musical genres at the time… cockrock hair metal to this hideous bucket of spinning round bucket of shite

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Diamond, Dominik

Dominik Diamond was born and raised in Arbroath, Scotland, and is best known for being the main host of the 1990s Channel 4 TV show GamesMaster — arguably the best show of its kind to hit UK network television.

(It was a very low bar to clear.)

One thing Diamond certainly deserves praise for is his lifelong commitment to double entendres and sexual innuendo. Most series of the teen-targeted GamesMaster featured not-so-sly references to dicks and tits — and honestly, we wouldn’t have had it any other way.

He still writes today, contributing articles to outlets like The Guardian and hosting his own Substack: Dominik’s Little Big Purple Column.

In a world where things are rapidly accelerating, it’s oddly comforting to see Dominik never change.

If the speed of light is ever discovered not to be a universal constant, we can at least rely on Dominik to remain the living embodiment of a Carry On box set.

He now lives in Nova Scotia, where his brand of comedy is considered edgy and avant-garde.

1 Like
334

After the glowing review above I just had to go seek out episode one on youtube. There were innuendos flying about from the second minute with reference to toggling your joystick and ramping your hard drive alone in your bedroom… Dominick appears to be a cross between Alun Cumming (SNP loving actor professional Scot and twat) and as you say any actor from Carry on.

Obviously I missed this as a teen, as had a girlfriend

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Well the generation before had more subtlety when it came to innuendos…

3 Likes
336

Die Hard

Die Hard is a seminal action thriller that proved you didn’t necessarily need a musclebound man for these kinds of films.

You could just get David from Moonlighting (now known as Bruce Willis), a great cast, a good script, and a tight director — and it’ll probably work.

The format proved so popular that it spawned a bunch of sequels and imitators:

  • Speed – Die Hard on a bus.
  • Under Siege – Die Hard on a boat.
  • Air Force One – Die Hard on a plane, with POTUS as John McClane.
  • EastEnders – Die Hard in a fictional London borough, where several heroes must negotiate unprecedented levels of murder, inflammatory family secrets, and rampant alcoholism in a pub with only one toilet.

Rise of the Rickman

Alan Rickman made his Hollywood debut in this film — a talent who went on to elevate movies that would have been forgettable without him.

Jürgen Prochnow, a real German, was considered for the role, and later starred in the aforementioned Air Force One. But no one remembers the hero’s name from that film, let alone the villain.

“It’s the one where Harrison Ford is President, init.
No, not the Thunderbolts. The other one.”

Decades later, Die Hard’s main antagonist is even harder to imitate than the film itself.
Rickman portrayed Gruber as suave, intelligent, utterly ruthless — but charming nonetheless.

That’s a tough act to follow.

There is only one Die Hard with anything like the quality of an Alan Rickman.

Christmas film?

For decades now, there has been a raging argument that has consumed copious amounts of bicker-based bandwidth.

Proponents say the film takes place at Christmas, features festive tunes, and has a man wearing a Santa hat.

Objectors point out that most Christmas films do not involve the creative murder of twelve Germans, one Japanese man, one Chinese man, and a coked-up American arsehole with a beard.
They might also note that the Santa-hat guy was dead, had his neck broken, and spent the early moments of his afterlife as a pre-Internet troll post.

The sequel, Die Harder, also takes place at Christmas — but its Christmas-movie status is not as hotly debated.
Even fans know the objectors’ body count argument is pretty solid.

The sequel is even less festive in this regard.
But both are Christmas films.

If Krampus is a Christmas film and a horror film, and Love Actually is a Christmas film and a rom-com, then the first two Die Hards can absolutely be Christmas films and vehicles for highly skilled extremists to be killed in interesting ways.

Yippee-kay-yay, present-huggers!

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337

Gamesmaster was awesome, then BSkyB launched Gamesworld with Diane Youdale in a ‘slightly too small for her assets’ pvc catsuit :heart_eyes: Gamesmaster seemed almost irrelevant after that.

2 Likes
338

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

  • An album by AC/DC, released in the late 1970s in most regions — only making its way to America in 1981.
    This is the reason Americans think AC/DC still did good albums after 1980.

  • The title track of the aforementioned album, a building story of all the things Bon Scott would do for a few quid.

  • A now-defunct league of assassins based in Smethwick, West Midlands, who advertised in the Yellow Pages.
    They were driven out of business by a competing firm:
    “Dirty Deeds Done a Bit Cheaper.”

1 Like
339

I did have to google Diane Youdale in a catsuit and was pleasantly surprised

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I apologise for the closing pun in advance.

District 9

The 21st century still has three quarters left in it, but District 9 will probably still be what it is today:

One of the greatest sci-fi films of the century.

The setup is simple and spectacular at the same time. Some years ago, an alien ship parks itself over Johannesburg, South Africa — and instead of immediately vaporising landmarks or launching tentacled war campaigns, the aliens (dubbed prawns by the locals) decide they want to stick around. Probably forever.

District 9 does what the best science fiction stories do:
It shines a light on a modern issue — in this case, immigration — by making the immigrants as (literally) alien as possible.

Its next greatest trick is making you care more for the aliens than the humans.
By the end, after watching the protagonist suffer a slow, grotesque transformation, your sympathy lies squarely with the so-called outsiders.

You don’t think, “Poor guy.”
You think, “You’re probably in a better place now, bruv. At least these folks are decent.”

And then there’s the structure. It sneaks up on you.
You start thinking you’re watching a grim documentary, but end up neck-deep in body horror, destructive alien tech, revolution — and a man in a mech suit catching a missile.

The only gripe?
There’s still no sequel.

“Three years. Three years,” says Christopher at the end.

Turns out, that was a prawn clock tale.

1 Like