Life rules

Do you bros have any Discipline in your lifes? I have none. I never had! I’ve always just done, or not done, whatever I feel like. I’m an idle creature, interested only in my own amusement + gratification. That’s me!

On other hand, I dunno if I’m gonna be able to avoid Growing Up any longer! Within couple of months I will be New House, New Wife, New Job. I wouldn’t be surprise if I end up New Dad before long.

I’m thinking of introduce some Rules, you know. Like a Samurai Code or something. Maybe I could follow Rules if I tried. I wouldn’t know for sure, cos I’ve never made any Effort before.

Do you have Life Rules? What are they + how easy do you find it to be a Samurai in Real Life?

My first one I just thought of is:


At moment when I wipe arse it’s like rubbing the tip of a felt tip pen. Takes fkn hours! I feel like this dietary improvement might help!


Obey the Ayatollah

Or at least only pick fights that you know you will win.


Try not to drink on Mondays and Tuesdays. If that is not possible, try not to drink loads on Mondays and Tuesdays.


Is that true? I see that in a lot of bros tbh in their dealings with their wifes. The dumb obedience, the glazed look, the “Yes dear.”

Is that my fate too? Is there no avoiding that? I’m not keen!

That is interest but tbh I never drink at home anyway. Drink is not one of my vices! I only drink when I’m out, and that is only with aim of Getting Drunk. I never particularly liked the taste of Alcohol. I’d just as soon drink Apple Juice like a Child.

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Get out…enjoy the “Natural World” while we still have it. Talk to people, (in real life) even old people have something to offer.

View the world in a positive light, there’s enough negativity without adding to it.


That is because they tried to fight the good fight and have been vanquished. You need to work out what is important to you and just worry about getting wins there - everything else is irrelevent.

Oh another tip. Never ever allow access to “find my phone” - One of my colleagues was pinpointed in FYEO last week at 4am. He is still in the dog house. (the naughty step one not FYEO)

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That’s the sort of thing I’m after I think. I mean it’s not exactly a rule, you would need to rephrase it a bit, i.e. On Tuesday’s at 12pm go out in the Rain & Cold and talk to a Pensioner at the Bus Stop. But I like the fact that it sounds Awful, so you know it’s good for you!


Don’t be a dick.


Try and keep them Realistic pls


Ah this is serious one bear, try and make some effort with the bitch, don’t just cruise along doing fuck all. It’s easy just to get in a routine of going to some town for shit shops, getting a take away, then her watching some shit xfactor thing, then you watch match of the day etc. However, there are loads of inexpensive hotels in the UK and in Europe for a night or two away. Eurostar to Brugge or even pub like hotel in Bath or Edinburgh or whatever. £200 invested every couple of months is well worth it. It doesn’t need to be a long holiday or someone’s birthday or similar. Bitches love this. However, this is also how you become a new dad so if that is not the plan, take care to spunk outside of the muff or other more sensible contraception.


Establish one household chore that you like doing early and be the best at it. For me it’s cooking. I’m better at cooking than the wife and I enjoy it. I can drink wine whilst I cook. So, that’s my job and I am irreplaceable other than Papa John. Then, with all the other chores you don’t like, be really shit at them and she will eventually just do them herself. However, she won’t be able to moan about it because you do all the cooking. I’m now just throwing empty toilet rolls on the floor and claiming that it’s not my job to move them.


Shit, I’ve got more. I am on fire today. Tokyo life-coaching incorporated is just around the corner, I can feel it.

Next up, live within your means. Interest is the most important thing to keep note of. If you owe money i.e mortgage or buy a car or something, keep track of how much you are spunking each year in interest. For example, if your mortgage is £200,000 and interest rate is 3.5%, you are spunking £7,000 per year on interest. You will probably be paying about £1,000 per month so the first 7 months of the year will be just paying the interest on the loan. You basically have to wait until the end of July before you start paying any of the fucker off.

Do not borrow unless you absolutely have to and if you do (mortgage) and even then try and overpay as much as you possibly can. Even £50 per month overpayment will mean you pay less interest over the 25 years and can retire a little earlier. Never borrow money at mental (more than 7%) interest rates and absolutely never use anything like a payday loan.


I only have one rule. Never eat anythig bigger than your own head.


I’m gonna definitely need a rule for Doing Work when I’m at Work. That is my worst habit! Sitting on here, and other dark corners of the Internet for hours when there is important things I ought to be doing. I’m quite resistant to that though. I’ve tried to imagine coming in the office and working for 9 hours, and it was Awful.


Good one

When the Ayatollah moved in we divvyed up the chores. I got washing up, cleaning and gardening. She got washing, Ironing and cooking.

This turned out to be an awesome move on my part, although entirely unintentional at the time.

First stroke of luck was moving house and getting a dishwasher - chore one sorted.

Next, the Ayatollah got fed up with the standard of cleaning - my clean is apparantly not clean enough. So she hired a cleaner - chore two sorted.

After the next moved we get a house with a big garden. Now I wasn’t adverse to continuing with the garden, until the hedges grew that first summer. Who knew that hedges could grow so big so fast. Anyway, a gardener was promptly engaged to sort the hedges and being a sneaky fucker upsold the Ayatollah on the rest of the gig - Chore three sorted.

Choose carefully and grab anything that can be outsourced at a later date.


Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of Sotonians.
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked…
You’re not as fat as you Imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind.
The kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.


Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
Sometimes you’re ahead,
Sometimes You’re behind.
The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
If you Succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.


Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don’t Congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, Use it every way you can… Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people Think of it,
It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own…

Dance… even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you’ve been hurting, but I’ve been waiting to be there
For you.
And I’ll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody’s free.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings;
They are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will Philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

(Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you’ve been hurting, but I’ve been waiting to be there
For you. And I’ll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody’s free.)


Very wise advice.


As a general rule I consider the following…is it likely to piss off Daily Mail readers? If the answer’s yes then I tend to do it.


Take your meds