Thatâs smooth work, mate. I reckon you could empty Philâs accounts completely, and net yourself nearly thirty quid.
Quid or Zloty?
1 Like
Closer to 40 Dong atm
Lily Phillips will have 1,000 Dong soon.
New cryptocurrency?
âŚprictocurrency? 
Chromosomes.
XX : Female
XY : Male
YYY : Delilah
Every morning I wake up to her beautiful face beside me, with those long blonde locks draped across the pillow.
I wish sheâd trim those pubes.
The men of today are shockingly unromantic.
Out of that entire queue of 1000, not a single one thought to take Bonnie Blue chocolates or flowers.
I was trying to explain Tiswas to my young son.
âGoogle âSally James creampiedâ,â I told him. ââŚon second thoughts, donât.â
Mrs P_F yelled from the Kitchen and asked: âDo you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someoneâs got a voodoo doll of you and theyâre stabbing it?â
I replied: âNo.â
She responded: âHow about now?â
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich following closely behind. The waitress approaches and asks for their order.
âIâll have a hamburger, fries, and a Coke,â the man says. Then, turning to the ostrich, he asks, âWhat about you?â
âIâll have the same,â the ostrich replies.
A short while later, the waitress returns with their food. âThatâll be $9.40,â she says. The man reaches into his pocket and, without hesitation, pulls out the exact amount.
The next day, the pair returns. Again, the man orders a hamburger, fries, and a Coke, and the ostrich echoes his choice. Once more, the man reaches into his pocket and produces the exact change.
This routine continues daily until Friday night. As they walk in, the waitress greets them, âThe usual?â
âNot tonight,â the man replies. âItâs Friday, so Iâll have a steak, baked potato, and a salad.â
âSame,â says the ostrich.
The waitress serves their meals and says, âThatâll be $32.62.â Without missing a beat, the man reaches into his pocket and hands over the precise amount.
Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, the waitress asks, âSir, how do you always have the exact change, no matter the price?â
The man smiles. âYears ago, I was cleaning out my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and granted me two wishes. For my first wish, I asked that whenever I had to pay for something, I could just reach into my pocket and always pull out the right amount.â
âThatâs incredible!â the waitress exclaims. âMost people would just wish for a fortune, but youâll never run out of money!â
âThatâs right,â the man nods. âWhether I need a gallon of milk or a luxury car, the money is always there.â
The waitress glances at the ostrich. âAnd what about your second wish?â
The man sighs, shaking his head. âI wished for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.â
A lot of women complain that their husbands never listen to them.
But Iâm proud to say Iâve never heard my wife say that.
Two old guys, Mike and Joe had been friends all their lives. Joe got ill and it became clear that he was dying so Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, âJoe, we both love football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to heaven somehow you must let me know if thereâs football thereâ.
Joe looks up from his deathbed and says," Mike, youâve been my best friend for many years, if itâs at all possible Iâll do this favour for you mate".
Shortly after this conversation, Joe passes away. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, âMike, Mikeâ. Mike sat bolt upright, "who is it? asked Mike.
âItâs me, itâs Joeâ
âYouâre not Joe, Joe, just diedâ.
âIâm telling you itâs me, Joeâ.
âWhere are you then?â
âIâm in heavenâ replies Joe.
âI have some really good news and a little bit of bad newsâ.
âGood, tell me the good news firstâ, says Mike.
âThe good news is that thereâs football in heaven. Better still, all our old mates who have passed away are here too. Better still we are all young again. And best of all we can play football whenever we want and we never get tiredâ.
âThatâs fantasticâ says Mike, âbeyond my wildest dreamsâ âSo what could possibly be the bad newsâ?
âWellâ, says Joe, âYouâre in the team next Saturdayâ.
A blind man entered a restaurant, made his way to the nearest table, put his white stick to the side and sits down.
" Menu sir?" asks the owner.
âI am blind, just bring me some of your dirty forks from the kitchen and I will smell each one in orderâ, says the blind man.
The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve some dirty forks and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled all the forks and said,âYes. I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetablesâ.
Unbelievable, the owner thought.
The next day the blind man returned to the restaurant. The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was doing the cooking and said, " Do me a favour, take this fork and rub it inside your private parts", which she did.
The owner returned to the blind man and gave him the fork to smell. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and said," Oh, interesting. I never knew Brenda worked here".
An elderly couple entered a McDonaldâs and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.
The old man walked over to the counter and placed an order.
He unwrapped the burger, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife. Carefully he counted all the fries and did the same.
He dipped 2 straws in the soda and put it between himself and his wife.
The old woman began to eat her half of the burger, while people stared at her compassionately.
A young man approached them and offered to buy them another portion of food.
The old woman replied not to bother, as they were used to sharing everything.
People realized that the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.
The young man approached them and repeated his offer.
This time it was the old man, who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.
The young man then asked the old man, âAnd what are you waiting for then?â
âTHE TEETHâ, he explained.
Russell Brand charged with multiple sex offences.
Itâs always the quiet ones, isnât it.
Morecambe and Wise are visiting Birmingham today.
I wonder what they think of it so far.
This isnât just a cyber attack.
This is an M & S cyber attack.
Arrived at a building where the lifts were out of order and the stairs were closed at the ground floor.
I complained to no avail
âIâm going to have to escalate thisâ, I replied