Talking to a man the other day. He said, “You should see my wife. She’s stunning!”
I said, “If you think she’s stunning, you should see my wife”
" Why? Is she stunning? "
" No. She’s an optician"
I was caught by security trying to climb the fence at Glastonbury.
They turned me back, insisting I had to stay for the rest of the Rod Stewart concert.
Come onnnnn…he’s old, frail and thinks Celtic are the greatest football club in the world.
You shouldn’t mock the mentally deranged.
Or he is a throw back and gave us a throw back show
Meanwhile.
The re invention of Gary Numan as a guitar vans Emo death metal act was
Strangely compelling.
My VPN works I get 10gb a month free streaming
Some catching up to do
that will last about 15 minutes
Rod, Chic, Gary, + Dr Who Christmas Special (finally)
I was surprised that’s 4hr 15m so far
Chancellor spotted weeping at PMQs.
Rachel Grieves.
From one of my South African colleagues
What to bicycles and blacks have in common?
They don’t work without chains?
They’re making a new thriller about Erin Patterson.
Fungal Attraction.
Walking through the maternity ward, I stopped at a cot and tickled the tiny infant’s tummy.
“How old are you then?” I cooed.
“Three days old,” he replied.
“Three days?” I said, startled. “Is that when the stork brought you?”
“No,” he replied. “Nine months ago my parents had relations, and I’m the result.”
“You’re only three days old,” I protested. “How come you know so much?”
“Look mate,” he sighed, “I wasn’t born yesterday.”
The Royal Family have a long tradition of producing distinguished sportsmen and women.
For example, King Charles won several polo tournaments. Zara and Princess Anne both represented Team GB at the Olympics.
And Prince Andrew’s latest love interest has just won her egg & spoon race.
“I rather fancy a second honeymoon,” remarked my wife.
There’s got to be an easier way to tell me there’s no sex this week.
Three Irishmen in a bar.
Patrick says," My locals better than this, in my local you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd drink is free".
Mick says, “Well in my local you buy 1 drink and the 2nd is free”.
Murphy says,“That’s nothing, in my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get a shag”.
“WOW” says the other two, “Has that actually happened to you?”
“No”, says Murphy. “But it happened to my sister”.
“Mad for it our kid, mad for it. Sorted.”
“Either ‘guilty’ or ‘not guilty’ will do, Mr Gallagher. Now, how do you plead?”
With the new restrictions on porn access, be sure to use a secure private browser.
I recommend FuckFuckGo.
There’s a new product on the UK stock market, VPNinvest.
In the Geordie pub quiz, I was asked which vintage action series co-starred a character named Purdey.
“The New Avengers”, I replied.
Turned out to be The Professionals.