I loved Sean Locke. One of the funniest comedians around, RIP. 
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A beautiful but distraught girl by the cliffs on Beachy Head was about to jump, when an elderly tramp approached her.
âExcuse me,â he said hesitantly, âbut if youâre going to kill yourself anyway, would you be kind enough to have sex with me first?â
âNo I wouldnât,â she snapped through her tears. âFuck off and leave me alone.â
âSuit yourself,â he sighed, turning away. âIâll just go and wait at the bottom.â
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My cars broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything heâs ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesnât sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, âWe canât tell you. Youâre not a monk.â Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We canât tell you. Youâre not a monk."The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His lifeâs wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive soundâŚ
But, of course, I canât tell you what it is because youâre not a monk 
Sky Sports is reporting that a Man United training session was delayed for nearly 2 hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the pitch.
Training was suspended and the police were called. After a complete analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the Goal Line.
Training resumed after the police decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.
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My Scouse mate is directing a porn movie.
Opening line: âIâve come to steal the washing machine.â
A big shout out to Britainâs florists this morning!!
Happy âCharge Whatever You Likeâ Day.
Iâm one step ahead, thereâs not one single Daffy left on the Lordshill Way/Romsey Road roundabout. 
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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like heâs a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
âOh lookâ says the first nun, âitâs a soap dispenserâ.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yellsâŚ
âHoly Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!â
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That is sooo old and the only one I could remember at school 
Though in my antiquated version it was Brylcream not hand lotion.
Got to hear it again though.
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âWhereâs the soap?â
âYes, it certainly does.â
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Even older
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Two Nuns in a bath told me.
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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.
As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, âYou are an irresponsible father!â
I said, âWho the fuck was that? Stop the car, son.â
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For six months now in prison, theyâve given me nothing but porridge to eat. Iâm going to end it all.
Farewell, gruel world.
Q: What do you call an obese woman with a yeast infection?
A: A Whopper with Cheese
can you make beer with the scrappingâs from a yeast infection and would it taste fishy?
Probably.
Almost certainly.
