😆 Joke thread. (NSFW)

Monkey Tennis
1103

Top of the board on Sicki, by quite a margin. But perhaps it was too tasteless for here, so I shall replace it with something less unsavoury.

1104

Tasteless or otherwise, I simply can’t see how or why it’s meant to be funny. And if you have to explain a joke then it hasn’t exactly worked, has it?

1105

Well, I’ve moved it now. But as I said, it’s hottest of the day on Sickipedia so it must have some comedic merit :smile::smile:

1 Like
1106
6 Likes
1107

A Darwin woman, Beverly Thompson, 38, has stopped a crocodile attack using a small .22 caliber Ruger pistol. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here’s her story in her own words:
“While walking along the edge of a lake near my house in the Zuccoli Village Estate near Darwin discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 3.5metre crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Ruger .22 calibre pistol with me, I wouldn’t be here today!” said Beverly.
Just one shot to my estranged husband’s kneecap was all it took.
The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible - and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"

5 Likes
1108

I’m finished with equine analogies.

And that’s from the horse’s mouth.

1109

Man comes home to find his mate shagging his wife, so he stabs him to death.
His wife says,“Carry on like that and you’ll have no mates left”.

6 Likes
1110

Beware of the copper turning green.

He’s about to give you the verdigris.

3 Likes
1111

Terrible :man_facepalming:

1 Like
1112

A farmer and his wife went to an agricultural show one day.
As they walked around they came up to this enclosure inside which stood a huge magnificent muscular bull. There was a sign on the gate which read
“This is Thunder the bull. Thunder mated 324 times in the past year. Thunder is a legend in the mating world”.
The farmer’s wife briskly elbowed her husband and said
“You could learn a thing or two from Thunder, you know!”
The farmer turned to his wife, looked deeply & lovingly into her eyes and said “Darling, why don’t you go in to the pen, pet Thunder on the head, and ask him if he mated 324 times with the same cow, and let me know how that goes???” :cow2:

1113

I rang my mate Stan this morning and his wife answered:
“I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday,” I said. “You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don’t you?”
She said, “Stansted.”
“Blimey,” I said, “he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night.”

I’ll get me coat…

3 Likes
1114

:man_facepalming: ffs

1115

Plans for a remake of Dr Zhivago with a soundtrack by The Clash have been dropped.

Sharif, he don’t like it.

1 Like
1116

My wife looked up from writing the invitations and asked “what’s Bob and Janice’s surname? I always forget.”

“You ought to remember,” I frowned, “because it’s the same as mine.”

“Johnson?” she said.

“Quarry,” I replied.

1117

My girlfriend is a midget dominatrix with a collection of whips.

She’s a little cracker.

1 Like
1118

Three Irishmen in a bar. Paddy says,“My local is better than this, in my local you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd’s free”.
Mick says, “well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd one free”.
Murphy says," That’s nothing, in my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th & 7th are free, then you go out the back and get a shag".

“WOW”,says the other two,“Has that actually happened to you?”

“No”, says Murphy, “But it happened to my sister”.

6 Likes
1119

Our newly planted tree has gone missing…I’m just going around stapling a picture of it to cats.

OK, I can’t claim that as my own.

5 Likes
1120

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.
“Well,” said the wife coldly, "you’re gonna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?:thinking:

5 Likes
1121

Q:What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A: Beef strokin’ off.

1122

:man_facepalming:

1 Like