A deaf mute guy walks up to a foursome on the first hole, hands one of the players a card that says âI am a deaf mute, playing as a single. May I play through?â
The guy that gets the card is a total jerk, shakes his head no, and points the deaf mute to go back and wait his turn.
A few holes later the jerk is standing in the fairway and gets hit in the head by a golf ball.
Angry and in excruciating pain, he turns around and sees the deaf mute holding up four fingers. 
Golf jokes are henceforth banned from this thread.
Unless the punchline is âwhat do you mean, âwrong holeâ?â
Hoshimoto
Two men dressed in pilotsâ uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize theyâre headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, âYou know, Bob, one of these days, theyâre gonna scream too late and weâre all gonna dieâ !!
Why does he turn to the other, when they canât see each other? 
Voices? đ¤ˇđź
You still hearing those mate? I told you to stay off the mescaline. 
Itâs depressing when something nice happens to you and other people get pissed off about it.
I recently found out that my arcade joystick, a Christmas present from the missus, is working again.
My âpalsâ Zangief and Dhalsim got proper pissed off about it. Aggressive. Tried to fight me.
A guy goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, âAre you allergic to anything?â
He replies, âYes, caffeine.â
âHave you ever worked for the public service before?â
âYes, I was in the armyâ he says, âI was in Iraq for two toursâ.
The interviewer says, âThat will give you 5 extra points toward employmentâ.
Then he asks, âAre you disabled in any way?â
The guy says âYes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testiclesâ.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, âOK. Youâve got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00 pm, but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every dayâ.
The guy is puzzled and asks, âIf the work hours are from 8.00am to 400pm, why donât you want me here until 10.00am? Iâm not looking for any special treatment yâknowâ.
âWhat you have to understand is that this is a council job,â the interviewer says, âFor the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. Thereâs no point in you coming in for that.â
Iâve started a new website which rates prostitutes on the quality of their handjobs.
For more details, head over to GripAdvisor.
I recently spent $6,500 on this big beautiful registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldnât even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for the bull than he was worth.
AnywayâŚI had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.
So the vet gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two daysâŚâŚ. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighborâs cows! Heâs like a machine!
I donât know what was in the pills the vet gave him ⌠but they are the size of hockey pucks and kind of taste like peppermint.
Every Valentineâs day I get a card from a secret admirer, but not this year.
First my gran dies, now this.
A man called Simon goes on âStars in Their Eyesâ and Matthew Kelly notices heâs in a wheelchair.
Matthew asks, âWhat happened?â
âI was in a car crash with my uncle. He died and I had to have my legs amputated. But they saved my uncleâs legs and grafted them onto me. In six months time I will be able to walk againâ
âThatâs amazing !â says Matthew. âWho are you going to be for us tonight then?â
âTonight Matthew, Iâm going to be⌠Simon and half uncle!â
Terrible
Thatâs what I thought.
Iâm having my drink problem treated with colonic irrigation.
Some group called Alcoholics and Enemas.
Does it get done at the A & E ?
No, and it doesnât come cheap. 
No.
Doesnât work in any way
