This is war
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I disagree. You’re playing with other people’s weapons. For better or worse, most of the jokes you’ll ever see me post are originals.
That’s why most of them are so shit.
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Welcome to my world 
Is there a lazier nation than Australia?
The bastards finish work before I get up and are in bed five hours later.
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My wife has become an expert.
Her tits have gone saggy.
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What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice fingers.
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Ffs
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My wife caught my son while he was masturbating.
Shortly after I caught my daughter with a vibrator in her arse.
We’re an unusual trapeze act, but people seem to like it.
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FFS
A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big assets and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
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Just been told by the missus that I am not to use the microwave. Apparently it started sparking when she tried to use it.
I am doubly gutted. Not only do I have to replace the microwave, but I also have to replace my beloved spoon, which I had sellotaped to the microwave’s ceiling for safekeeping.
5 Likes
It’s easy to complain about the cost of space exploration, but we should remember all the good things that stem from it.
Like teflon saucepans, memory foam mattresses and Jean-Michel Jarre concerts.
I asked in Waterstones if they had Harry’s book available for download.
“Sure,” they replied, “do you want the PDF file?”
I said “no, that’s his uncle.”
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Why is there only one “Kiss a Ginger day” a year?
Because it takes most normal people a year to get over the trauma.
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Clearly you’ve only shared that on here.
You’re still alive
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I said it to her face after she moaned about not getting a kiss yesterday.
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I working on the hypothesis that she didn’t break your hands and the bruises can’t be seen in public
It think she threatened to kill me, but there are men with fatwas against them that have accumlated less death threats than me.
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I beg to differ
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