Hold my Beer
2 Likes
Yeah but you donât retaliate with like for like 
For all our sakes⌠
Sitting on the beach yesterday, the bird says âI wonder how old these palm trees are?â I said âitâs hard to put a date on themâ arf arf 
5 Likes
If thereâs one thing restaurants hate, itâs punters who bring their own food in.
I know this because every time I get my meat and two veg out I am ejected from most premises forthwith.
4 Likes
(Stolen)
A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.
That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadnât had sex for months.
Nicola batted her eyelashes and with a sexy look, asked if there was anything she could do for him?
He said, âCould you maybe take the dog for a wee walk.â 
6 Likes
My internet history looks worse than it should.
I used the voice input to search âchickpeasâ.
2 Likes
Hasenhuttle still has a job
2 Likes
No he doesnât
As youâre 8 hours ahead of us does it mean youâll get news of our new manager before us?
Asking for a friend who isnât very bright.
1 Like
I am in EG its only 1 hour ahead.
1 Like
Ah still an hour ahead. Let us know as soon as you hear.
4 Likes
I learnt my Chinese cooking skills from the Bee Gees.
Well, you can tell by the way I use my wok.
1 Like
FFS
1 Like
Why donât owls go out on dates when itâs raining?
Because itâs too wet to woo.
Thanks for that @Shroppie. My goodness that takes me right back to my days at Glenfield Infant School. I thought it so funny in those days I wet myself and was sent home to change my underwear.
3 Likes
Same again?
1 Like
Fortunately notâŚafter all, I have heard it before.
1 Like
Whyâd the blind man run off the cliff?
Because I threw a stick for his dog.
4 Likes