A golfer is playing his local course and hooks his drive into the thicket on the 4th hole. He goes looking for his ball and hears a noise just around the bushes. There is a witch stirring a cauldron. 
He demands to know what she is doing there and she says that she is mixing up a special brew. “One drink from this elixir and you will be come the greatest golfer of the year”.
When he demands a drink she warns that there is a downside. While his golf game will become amazing, his sex life will significantly decline.
He insists on having a drink, and as promised finds his ball, birdies in and sets a course record. From there he goes on to qualify for the PGA tour and wins the most money on tour that year.
One year later he returns to the local course and on the 4th hole enters the bushes to see if the witch is still there.
She recognizes him and asks if her predictions were correct. He tells her about his amazing success on tour, when she asks him about his sex life.
“Not bad,” he replies.
“What do you mean by, not bad?” she asks.
“Once every month or two,” he replies.
“You don’t think that is bad?” she asks.
“Well it’s not bad for a priest from a small parish,” he replies. 
The tears are flowing tonight.
Of gas in Paris, grief on Merseyside, and laughter everywhere else.
The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a 9 iron but I still got it over the shed
The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. “None at all,” I assured him.
He glanced at my notes and said “you might want to reconsider that.”
Old and nicked 
Still funny though
I wrote that years ago for the original Sickipedia. Might have already put the earlier version on this thread, but when I posted it on sicki first time round it went a bit viral (although that wasn’t a “thing” in those days 
)
Dad Joke Alert
I didn’t know ants were religious but I found out today that they are all in sects.
Since my diagnosis I always get a bit tearful when I hear that old Elvis Costello song about liver disease.
A Good Year For Cirrhosis.
Ffs 
We were out driving today when a cop pulled us over and wanted to know why the car was swerving all over the road.
Me: “Sorry, officer, I’ve had six or seven pints and I’m a bit pissed”.
The policeman glowered at me and said “That’s no excuse for letting your wife drive.”
Grandma
What’s a Willy?
It’s a part of a Mans’ body.
Grandma?
What’s a Dick.
The rest of him
I was walking down the street when
I was approached by a particularly grimy and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted $10 and asked,“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said…“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.
“Have you lost the plot?!” replied the homeless man. " there’s nothing to Hunt around here for over 20 years!"
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a lovely dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. "Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”
Where do you stand on, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s arse”?
Hasn’t Monkeypox put paid to that
That Commandment was incomplete. The full version reads “thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife unless she wishes to elope with you”, so I’m on solid ground there 
Life is all about time and timing
A Golfing Story…
Alan who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Chris.
So they loaded up Alan’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained, ‘and I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Alan said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, Alan got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Chris and asked, “Chris, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago ?”
‘Yes, I do,’ said Chris.
‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?’
‘Well, um, yes!,’ Chris said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name ?’
Chris’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask ?’
'She just died and left me everything’