😆 Joke thread. (NSFW)

[Nottarf-Krap]

A man walks out onto the street in the pouring rain and stops a taxi that was just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing, you’re just like Frank”.
Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he was a guy who did everything right all the time. Like me coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things like that happened to Frank Feldman every single time”.

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete, he could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something special”.

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He was the best lover, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, you could see your face in them. He was the perfect man. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “Wow. What an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank, I just married his fucking widow”.

[Polski_Filip]

Fraser Forster called up for Engkand

Rob Dorsett (RobDorsettSky)

[scotty]

@Polski_Filip

Sam Johnstone has withdrawn and will be replaced by #saints Fraser Forster.

Haaahahahahaa!! That’s a cracker, but lacks the credibility to class as really funny. There has to be a sense of believability.

[Fowllyd]

I was a bit shaken up today - I’m OK now, but it was pretty traumatic.
For those of you that aren’t aware, I was robbed at Asda petrol station this morning.
After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.
They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof!
My money is gone however.
The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them,
“Yes, it was pump number 2.”

[Cobham-Saint]

Saw that on LinkedIn earlier today - the new Facebook these days

[scotty]

I called Jewsons earlier and ordered 30 tons of sand to my place.

The bloke said “Christ, are you building a hotel??”

I said “no, I’ve just won a camel in a raffle.”

[Fowllyd]

I saw it on the old LinkedIn.

[Cobham-Saint]

[Polski_Filip]

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making punk-ass biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But enough about me, how’s your day going? You are looking a little pale, by the way, wuss!

[Polski_Filip]

Bubba died in an accident and his body was badly bruised. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

[pap]

[Polski_Filip]

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp sunbathing near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big Croc, “what have you been eating?”

“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small Croc.

“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”

“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?”

"Well, I crawl up under one of their limos and wait for one to unlock the car door.

Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s#*t out of them and eat 'em!"

“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s%*t out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an a**hole, an empty suit, and a briefcase.”

[scotty]

I watched the Man City game last night.

If the FA awarded a cup for diving, it would be made of Sterling silver.

[Polski_Filip]

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.
A doctor comes in and says “Congratulations!”
But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn’t going to cover it all.
So we’re going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford.”
The man says to the doctor “Okay, so what are they?”
The doctor says “Well, first there’s engineer’s brain, that’s $100 an ounce.
Then there’s astrophysicist’s brain, that’ll cost you $200 an ounce.
Finally there’s a politician’s brain. That’s the most expensive at $1000 an ounce.”
The man looks at the doctor, surprised. “That’s absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?”
The doctor turns to him and says “Sir, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?”

[pap]

Did you know that the surname Cunningham originates from a particularly clever pig that managed to convince a human lady to sleep with him?

[Nottarf-Krap]

I thought that was Johnson?!

[scotty]

Cameron.

[Not_Barry]

Russian toy makers are rushing to add the Black Sea to the Russian Ship Moskva.

[scotty]

[Polski_Filip]

3 guys play golf every Saturday for years. On the way to the course they all die in an accident. When they get to heaven St Peter explains that they have a golf course and can play whenever they want with the stipulation that they don’t hit a duck. Being good golfers they feel that it should be no problem. They get to the first tee and see that there are ducks all over the place.

First tee shot guy hits one right down the middle and the duck quacks causing every other duck to start quacking also. St Peter comes up to them with an unattractive female and asks who hit the duck. The gentleman say it was him but was an accident. St Peter explains that they knew the rules and handcuffs him to the female. Saying he must stay cuffed to her for eternity and off he goes.

The other 2 seeing this play more conservatively until a yr later the 2nd guy hits a duck again causing quacking all over again. St Peter walks up with a female much more unattractive than the 1st. The 2nd guy not even waiting for St Peter to ask says it was him and gets handcuffed to the lady and off St Peter goes.

The 3rd man plays for eternity being careful not to hit a duck. Even putting from mid fairway to avoid them when St Peter walks up with a very attractive female. Handcuffs her to the gentleman and walks off.
The gentleman confused says “I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”
She then replies “I don’t know about you but I hit a duck.”