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My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer that was taking so long.
“I’m getting some flights,” I replied, “for when this lockdown finishes.”
She burst into tears and started kissing and hugging me. Then she unzipped my jeans and gave me a blowjob.
All these years we’ve been together, and I never realised how keen she is on darts.
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What’s the best way to bomb a garden centre?
Use a peat-seeking missile.
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Too soon
Nope
There’s a strict pecking order when it comes to sharing out the cocaine in our house, and I’m always the last to get any.
That’s the bottom line.
Reminds me of when my old man found a wrap of cocaine in my bedroom drawer back in the day. He gave me a clip round the ear and told me if it happened again he would rub my nose in it!
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Moishe is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his wife Miriam. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
Miriam sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea with a piece of cake. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother Herman with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Moishe. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three,” says Miriam, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Moishe heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Herman. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to Herman. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replies Herman. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Moishe.
“I don’t remember.”
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I was making a cup of tea earlier and I shouted out to the other half “do you want a Kit Kat chunky?”
That’s when it all kicked off.
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Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , ‘That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything…
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.’
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'Why aren’t you eating? What is it you are waiting for?
She answered,
‘THE TEETH’.
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Just back from the food court. The apple pie got custody.
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Fucksake 
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Most of the jokes I tell here I invent. Can you tell? 
1 Like
There’s a danger of this becoming a Cultural Dessert.
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Becoming?
Don’t trifle with me. 