My wife is leaving me because I over analyse everything.
I wonder if she’s using the word “analyse” as a metaphor or reference to anal sex.
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Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.
Alexa :
Most certainly… Don’t worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.
The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.
I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status.
I have scheduled her payment from your credit card 2 hours from now.
I have checked your wife’s GPS and she is shopping in a suburban mall. According to her buying checklist stored on my disk, she will take at least 2 more hours, plus according to Google maps traffic analysis, more than 1 hour to reach home.
Enjoy your sex. And yes, your condom is in the pull out drawer of the living room and the key to that drawer is in your wallet.
This is the last condom, so I have added condoms to your Amazon cart…
This is called true Artificial Intelligence…
MEANWHILE…
Wife:
Alexa, have you set it up?
Alexa:
Sure thing, he thinks you are going to take three hours. If you take an Uber home, you will be there in 45 minutes. I’m recording the whole thing with four cameras, you just need to walk in, we have the bastard cold.
I’ve got your divorce papers printed and ready, and your attorney briefed, case documents are drafted and will be completed tomorrow, $1 M. damages plus $10,000 per month alimony.
All set. Your Uber is waiting outside.
Now, this is Artificial Counter Intelligence…
After all, Alexa is a female …
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I was advised to widen my circle of friends.
I’ve joined a fisting club.
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Yeah…whatabout it?
Sorry, I should have obscured your face…
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It’s not his face you should have obscured… 
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Ralph Hassenhuttl, Mikel Arteta, Jurgen Klopp and Steve Bruce entered a pub. The barman recognised them and bought them all a drink. Once they had finished, Arteta got a round in. Then Klopp put his hand in his pocket. Then Steve Bruce got the beers in.
Once they’d all consumed four beers, Ralph went to the bar, bought a drink for himself only, and sat at the table. They all looked at him before Arteta said “Excuse me Ralph. What about us?”
Ralph looked at them and said, “Sorry lads. This is the fifth round and none of you are in it.”
“C’MON YOU SAINTS!”
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Heard about the vegan football manager? He’s over the prune and sick as a carrot.
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It’s 12 years ago today that my mate Dave came running out of the room shouting ‘It’s a boy, it’s a boy’ with tears running down his face.
We never went back to Thailand again.
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Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says, “Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o’ the puddin race!!”
I was like, eh, WTF?!?!.,
I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " I Wee, sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!",
I said to the next doctor walking past , “Here mate is this the psychiatric ward?”
He said…
“No, sorry this is the Burns unit.”
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Ffs 
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Sanction yourself immediately. 
FFS
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I remember the huge scandal about Benny Hill’s crude caricaturing of the Chinese accent.
They called it Harrogate.
Shane’s loan to Bournemouth to help them out gives us a pleasant drink:
A Long Cherry-Aid.
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I went to a fish restaurant recently and ordered the octopus.
The waiter said “OK, but it takes 4 hours to cook.”
I said “Why?”
He said “Because it keeps turning the gas off.”
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I can’t stand people who think they’re worse off than everybody else My mate Derek is brilliant, he had a really bad car crash where he suffered a crushed voice box and lost both his legs…!
Does he make a song and dance about it…?
Does he fuck!
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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.”
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike… Mike…”
“Who is it?” Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike. It’s me, Joe…”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe.” insists the voice.
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“'Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
“'That’s fantastic,” says Mike. "It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "
“You’re in the team for Saturday.”
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Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
It’s a little fit bunny.
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Sound on
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