😆 Joke thread. (NSFW)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money
from you, I’m doing community service this week.’
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing
community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank
you’ card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from
you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

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I wish people would keep their dogs quiet.

I’m trying to listen to the fireworks.

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I’m so desperate for sex that when the doctor offered me Oramorph, I was expecting a little plasticine model to give me a blowjob.

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When I was a kid, I used to love making sadcastles with my Grandad.

Then my mum hid his urn.

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My motto is “No Fear”.

Preceded by “who, me?” and delivered in a whimpering falsetto.

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“So, can you tell me when I’m going to die?” I asked the fortune teller.

“Yes,” she replied, glancing nervously at her crystal ball. “Cash in advance, please.”

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Put my dogging stuff up for sale on eBay.

I haven’t had any bids yet but 14 people are watching.

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Compare The Market have been fined £18m by the regulators.

If it’s because of those fucking meerkat adverts, it’s not enough.

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The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted “Stop!” but, if anything, that made things worse.

1989 just called to ask for their joke back.

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It was new to me when I saw it yesterday morning :thinking::smile::smile:

Ffs it’s almost as old as my reposts

I don’t actually understand the joke

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Me neither…who is MC Hammer and have I missed anything?

Either his catchphrase or one of his hit songs was “STOP!!.. HAMMERTIME.”