Two girls on the checkout at Tesco, one said âYou can always tell the single men from the married onesâ. Her friend said, âHow do do thatâ? She said âWatch thisâ. A guy came to the checkout with 6 mushrooms, 3 rashers of bacon, 1 tomato and a tin of beans. She said, âYouâre a single fella arenât youâ? He said, âHow do you know thatâ? She said, âCos youâre a right ugly cuntâ.
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An oldie but goodie 
© Bernard Manning, 1985 
An Irishman, a Scot, a Welshman and an Englishman were captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.
Their captors said,"Weâre going to shoot you anyway but you can each have one last wish, anything at all. The Irishman went first and requested 100 Irish dancers doing the Riverdance.
They asked the Welshman next, he asked for a male voice choir singing Land Of My Fathers.
The Scot asked for 100 Scottish pipers playing Flower Of Scotland.
And your last request they asked the Englishman?
He said,âFucking shoot me firstâ.
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Have you found a portal to the world of old jokes? 
Still stand the test of time though 
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I got a call when I was at a service station. My boss told me Iâd been promoted to team leader! I filled up and went on my way when I got another call saying my boss has been fired and I was regional team leader!!
The next call came in and I careered off the road.
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See my post above yours.
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I saw the first Christmas decorations up in the shops today.
I thought âfucking hell, is it February already?â
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi have a disagreement about whoâs best at his job, so they each go into the local woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together to discuss the outcome, and the priest commences: âWhen I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and blessed him with holy water. Next week he will take his First Communion.â
âWelI, I found a bear by the stream,â ventures the minister, âand preached Godâs holy word. The beast was so mesmerised that he allowed me to baptise him.â
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on his back, bloodied and in a bad way. " Oy Vellâ he sighs, âWith hindsight maybe I shouldnât have started with the circumcision.â
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No wonder he tried so hard to stay hidden.
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didnât have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.
âI sure do,â he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.
âWOW!â said his friend, âWhere did you get that monster?â
âI got it from my genie.â
âYou have a genie?â the first guy asked.
âYep, heâs right here in my golf bag.â He opens his golf bag and out pops a real genie.
The friend says, âIâm a good friend of your master, will you grant me a wish?â
âYes, I will,â the genie replies.
So the friend asks the genie for, âa million bucks.â
Done! The genie replied, hops back into the golf bag and leaves the golfers standing there waiting for the âmillion bucks.â
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and a million ducks envelop the golfers.
âHey,â yells to disappointed golfer. âI asked you genie for million bucks, not a million ducks.â
âSorry,â the other golfer replied, âHeâs hard of hearing, and besides, do you really think that Iâd ask a genie for a 12-inch BIC?â
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VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
scroll down
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.
.
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âFreeze a jolly good fellow.â
"Freeze a jolly good fellow
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One Christmas the family came home to celebrate. All four kids in the family were successful and had become wealthy doctors and lawyers. Over the break they were eating out and talking about what great gifts they had given their old mother, living in a faraway city, for Christmas.
The first brother says: "I have built a big new house for mum with its own private 9-hole golf course.â
The second brother says: "I spent one hundred thousand dollars to have a cinema built in her new house. "
The third says: âI ordered my regular Mercedes dealer to deliver a luxurious convertible to her "
The fourth brother says: "Well, Mom loves to read the Bible and you know how bad her eyesight has become. I recently came across a priest, who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests well over 12 years to teach him all that but nowadays that parrotâs so good that you only need to say the chapter and the verse, and he recites it. I had to promise to give one hundred thousand dollars to the Church every year for the next twenty years, but well, mum is worth every penny.
Christmas is over and mum sends her boys a thank you note: On the first she writes "John, the house that you have built for me, is so big that I use just one room, although I have to clean the whole house. The golf course is great, you know how I love to play the game but Iâm having trouble seeing where to hit the ball.
Nevertheless, many thanks! "
The second was told: "Charley, that cinema has got Dolby surround and 50 people fit in easily. Wonderful! But all my friends and acquaintances are dead, Iâm deaf and almost blind, so I never go in there. But thanks for a good idea! "
On the third: "Pete, Iâm too old to go on a trip and my groceries are delivered at home so the Mercedes is rusting outside. But it was a nice idea. Many thanks! "
And the fourth: "My dear Hank, youâre the only son who thinks and cares enough about me to think of something that I really enjoy! The chicken was delicious! Thank you very much!
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I wanted us to give my wife the bumps at her birthday party, but we wonât be able to do it.
Damn this Rule of 6.
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The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
âYour Holiness,â said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faithsâ.
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand."Donât we have a Cardinal to represent me? " he asked."None that plays very well, "A Cardinal replied. "But, " he added, âthere is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative.In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, weâll also win the match.â
Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored to be made a Cardinal, and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Cardinal Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.âI have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.
âTell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,â said the Pope.âWell, your Holiness, I donât like to brag. Even though Iâve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect, I played like I was 30 years old again. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.â
"And whatâs the bad news? " the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, âI lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods.â
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Knock knock
Whoâs there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes the ghost of Sean Connery
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Too soon.
To share it ffs
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A racist, a wife-beater and a tax evader walk into a pub.
The barman said âwhatâll it be, Mr Connery?â
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