😆 Joke thread. (NSFW)

Monkey Tennis
623

A lovely couple I know who live in Warsaw have split up, so sad!.

Now they’re just poles apart !

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FRO :angry::smile::smile::smile:

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:man_facepalming::man_facepalming::man_facepalming::man_facepalming:

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I used to joke that when we had Hajto and Saganowski/Rasiak playing for us and they passed the ball to each other they had just made a Michael Palin pass…

What’s that you say

Pole to Pole :lou_facepalm_2:

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Eh?? :thinking: :joy::joy:

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If scousers had any sense of irony, every boy born on Merseyside would be christened either Rob or Nick.

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I phoned my boss to tell him I’d be in late as I had to take my cat to the vet.

“Why can’t your wife take it?” he snapped.

I said “because it’s not her cock it’s stuck on.”

632

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .

“I vish to buy sex viz you.”

“Okay,” says the girl, “I charge £50 an hour.”

“Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.”

“No problem,” she replies cautiously, “I can do a little kinky for an extra £10.”

Helmut agrees

So off they go the girl’s flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

“I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees.”

The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.

“Now you vill get down on your hans und knees.”

This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.

“You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.”

She thinks this even odder, but figures it’s harmless (and the guy is paying).

But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, “That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?”

“Zat,” replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique.":joy::rofl:

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633

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter’s’ date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be
when he grows older?”

The father replied, “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

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634

In a similar vein.
A young lad was an hour late coming home from school. His father said,“you’re late, where have you been”?
“I’ve been round Susie’s house”, he replied.
“What have you been doing round there”? asked the old man.
“We were revising for our mocks” the lad replied.
“That’s good” said his father, “Your tea’s on the table, go and eat it”.
After a couple of minutes the lad says, “Ooh dad, these fishcakes are really yummy”.
He said, “go and wash your hands son, they’re doughnuts”.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez on a golf course.

“How was he killed?” asked one detective.

“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.

“A golf gun?, what’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know but it sure made a hole in Juan.”

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637

Fuck.

Right.

Off.

:face_with_symbols_over_mouth: :smile::smile:

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638

Cigarettes are a lot like ferrets.

Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

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639

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive…
“When i got to the door i couldn’t jump. So the 6’7”’ black instructor unzips his fly,pulls out his 13" and says, if you don’t jump you’re going to get this baby up your arse!"…
Mick asks, “Did you jump?”
Paddy replies, 'A little bit when it first went in".

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I asked The Man from Del Monte what his favourite prog rock band was.

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