I tried growing some Charentais carrots.
But they got killed by my Charles Manson parsnips.
I was in the pub toilet tonight and the bloke next to me said āIām so drunk Iām pissing tequila.ā
Thatās the last time Iām falling for that one.
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Politically incorrect to admit it these days i know, but funny is funny. He really did have superb timing.
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The inventor of the anagram has died.
May he erect a penis.
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I love the Marie Celeste gag in thereā¦ātheyāve solved the mystery, Hale and Pace were doing the cabaret.ā 
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āTrust me, Iām a doctor.ā
Harold Shipman, 1998.
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The brain is an amazing organ. It works superbly, 24 hours a day, right from birth until your first erection.
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Danny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone elseā¦
One day, Danny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'Iāll give you a Ā£100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Danny said, 'Iāll be fast. Iāll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and Iāll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriendā¦ So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for Ā£200, pick up the
money very fast, he wonāt even be able to get his
pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, āThe bastard used coins!'
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My new girlfriendās been around a bit.
I offered her a sandwich and she said āsure, bring him over.ā
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I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our first date. So she walked over to me at the bar and asked āCan i buy you a drink handsomeā? I replied "Fuck off, iām not falling for that shit again!..
4 Likes
A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.
A passing tramp stops and says, āSince youāre about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?ā
The woman replies, āGet away from me you sick bastard!ā
The tramp shrugs his shoulders, turns to leave and mutters, āFine, Iāll just go and wait at the bottom.ā
8 Likes
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As I picked up a bottle of pumpkin seed oil in the salad dressing aisle, my girlfriend said āno, get the sesame one.ā
āWhy?ā I asked.
She replied āitāll be easier to open.ā
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I asked my wife if she fancied acting out a rape scene as a bit of kinky role-play.
āNo I fucking donāt,ā she snapped.
I said āthatās the spirit!!ā
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My atheist mechanic changed the exhaust pipe on my car today, when heād finished he rushed off to church!, I reckon he touched the Catholic converterā¦
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Rick Wakeman is on the verge of recruiting the U2 guitarist for a new version of his classic Yes album.
Close To The Edge.
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My girlfriend has nagged me for years to make a bird table.
Sheās left me now, as I only put her 8th.
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A good mate of mine has just started a sexual relationship with identical twins.
I asked him how does he tell them apart?
He said it was easy. Jenny has long straight black hair, and Trevor has a cock.
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My wife died of old age.
If sheād been younger sheād have seen that tripwire.
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True story. Went to school with two brothers uncannily alike. The eldest was nicknamed Beaver. The youngest was called Junior Beaver.
When we were very young, they said they were twins. A bunch of us tried to tell them thatās not how twins worked.