😆 Joke thread. (NSFW)

Monkey Tennis
563

What’s the connection between a KFC and shagging your missus?

When you take the meat out you’re left with a greasy box!!

1 Like
564

I’m not saying my daughter’s school is rough.

But when she got sent home for refusing to dissect a frog, it wasn’t a biology lesson, it was French Practical.

1 Like
565

After my computer crashed, I searched for “corrupted files, pc”.

It took me straight to the West Yorkshire Police homepage.

2 Likes
566

An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face.
“What are you so happy about?” asks the landlord.
“Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks.I cut her free, took her back to mine and we shagged all night”.
“Did you get a blow job?” asks the landlord?"
"No’… he says, “I never found the head.”

5 Likes
567

Six months after the birth of her fifth child, a woman decided that things needed tidying up ’ down below’, so she booked herself in for a vaginal tuck. When she woke up after the operation there were three bunches of flowers on the table by the bed. One from her surgeon to say all went well. One from her husband, “Get well soon, I love you very much”. And one from Tommy in the burns unit, “Thank you for the new ears”.

4 Likes
568

As the warder locked the door behind me, my new cellmate said “Welcome to Poundland.”

“Why do you call it that?” I asked.

Two hours later, I’m wishing I’d kept quiet.

4 Likes
569

Reminds me of the story about the terrified young lad arriving for his first night in prison. The cell door slammed behind him and his cell mate, an old lag, shook his hand and said, “right, let’s get the rules sorted out”. “Do you want to be mummy or daddy”? He stammered that he didn’t want to be either, but if he had to be one or the other he would rather be daddy. The old lag replied, “good, that’s that sorted out, now get over here and give mummy a blow job”.

4 Likes
570

My wife was trying to log into her favourite fashion website. “I can’t remember my four letter pin code,” she frowned, "what do you reckon I’d have used? It must have been something obvious… "

I said “try XXXL”.

6 Likes
571

With all the hand sanitisers in pubs, everyone looks like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

1 Like
572

If Hitler hadn’t killed himself, and went on trial at Nuremberg…

“You are charged with the genocidal murder of six million Jews, and of starting the most destructive war in human history. How do you plead?”

Hitler: “I’m vegan.”

573

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4 Likes
574

Shamelessly stealing @scotty material for the next 2 weeks while waiting for rain to stop in Southampton

AN AGE THING:-

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00pm is the new midnight.

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Cop: "Please step out of the car."Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

3 Likes
575

I wondered why my new girlfriend’s nickname was The Juggler.

Until my mates told me she likes one up, one down, and one in her hand.

576

“At the end of the day,” my dad always said, “the most important thing is that nobody got hurt.”

Nice man. Hopeless boxer.

3 Likes
577

I’m in for some good luck today because a black cat crossed my path.

Mind you, I’m not sure that still counts after I ran it over.

1 Like
578

I have a science joke, but I cant follow it.

Any more out there? Seems to be a thing today

1 Like
579

Waterstones have a sale. There’s a third off all books.

I’ve fjust got A Lion A Witch.

4 Likes
580

I have a Dracula joke, but that doesn’t Count.

3 Likes
581

We were tuning up in the orchestra pit. “Does that sound about right?” I called out to the conductor.

“Flatter,” he replied.

“Ok, you look fantastic,” I said, “and you’re doing a wonderful job.”

3 Likes
582

Not one of mine, but this is top drawer from sicki…:smile::smile::smile:

I was feeling horny, so I asked my wife for a hand job.

“You know if you sit on your hand first, you can pretend it’s someone else doing it” she said.

“Brilliant” I replied, “you sit on your hand then, and I’ll pretend it’s your sister wanking me off.”