Is a fish-hook without a barb any good?
Well, itâs debaitableâŚ
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One day, Heaven finally became very full, and something had to be done.
The Lord decided to have St. Peter check everyone at the gate and ask each one how they died. If it was a grisly story where the good person died a horrible death, they would be allowed into Heaven. But if not, they had to wait in Purgatory, or even Hell, until there was room in heaven for them.
A large line formed at the gates of heaven. The first man tells Peter this story:
"Well, for a while Iâd been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So, today instead of playing 18 holes of golf, I only played nine and came home early to see if I could catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment and she was lying naked on the bed.
I looked all over the apartment searching for the guy but couldnât find him. Then I remembered that we lived on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and thereâs a balcony. So, I rushed out to the balcony and there he was hanging off holding the railing.
I beat at his hands with my nine iron and he just wouldnât let go, so I ran and got my driver and beat his hands more until he fell into the bushes below.
I saw the bastard was still alive, so I wheeled out the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died!
âWow!â St. Peter said. âThat really is bad! You can go aheadâŚyou poor guy!â
The next man told St. Peter this story:
âI live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and every day I do exercises on my balcony, but I exercised too hard fell over the edge. I had the presence of mind to catch the railing of the balcony below me.
Suddenly, this guy comes running out and started beating at my hands with a golf club. He ran back inside, and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with another golf club and beat my hands again until I finally fell off. I landed in the bushes below and they broke my fall and saved my life.
But that wasnât enough for this guy! He sees me lying in the bushes then disappears inside then I see this refrigerator coming down at me and the guy is laughing his head off! The refrigerator squashed me flat and killed me. And now Iâm here."
âWow, thatâs a good one too! You can go aheadâŚâ St. Peter said.
The third man in line told St. Peter this story:
âI donât know what happened. I was hiding naked inside this refrigeratorâŚâ
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Was the 3rd guy Boris?
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If it was, it must have been a fucking massive fridge.
Have you heard about the Spanish magician? He counted, âUno, dosâŚâ and disappeared without a âtresââŚ
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The contact-tracing app being tested on the Isle of Wight hasnât been an unqualified success.
Itâs quite hard to install on a BT Trimphone.
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It has just occurred to me that even ground-floor libraries are multi story buildingsâŚ
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Went into IKEA for the first time since the lockdown. Itâs similar, but theyâve altered a couple of things.
The one-way system has been changed, and Hotel California is playing on endless loop.
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During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British âred coat.â
Many people have asked, âWhy did the British wear red coats in battle?â
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, âWhy do you British officers all wear red coats? Donât you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?â
In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood wonât show, and the men they are leading wonât panic.
And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
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Suddenly Iâm back at Mansbridge Junior School in the late 60âs.
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A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she was stung by a wasp.
The pain started to get intense so she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and some treatment.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, âWhy are you back so early? Whatâs wrong?â
âI was stung by a waspâ, she said.
âWhere?â he asked.
âBetween the first and second holeâ, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, âThen your feet were too far apartâ.
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When Ronnie Wood finally dies, itâs a shame none of us will be here to crack jokes about it.
Itâs ok though. Barry Cryer will do them.
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I heard that Colstonâs statue has been fished out the water.
Who did that? Quay Workers?
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A corker there, from sickipedia. 
Which incidentally seems to have disappeared today. 
Error 500.
As I walked into the shop, a bloke in uniform snapped â2 fucking metres, you cunt.â
Theyâre antisocial distancing.
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I just rang B & Q to ask how big the queue was.
The girl on the phone told me it was the same size as the B.
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My nephew goes to a Kindergarten where they teach Spanish.
He canât say âpleaseâ yet, which I think is poor for 4.
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