I faked a dive and rolled on the ground screaming, clutching my leg and hoping it was convincing.
“If you don’t want sex tonight, you can just say so,” said my wife.
I sat in the dentists chair, opened my mouth, and he peered in.
"Could you scream for me, as loud as you can, " he said.
I said “I suppose so, why?”
He replied “the waiting room’s full and the football starts in five minutes.”
I told my mate that I’d just caught my wife having sex with our dog.
“Jesus, that’s revolting!” he gasped. “How could anyone do that?”
“I know,” I replied. “She must have got him drunk.”
I went into my bosses office and handed him a pear.
“What’s this for?” he asked.
I said “My wife told me to grow it, and ask you for a pay rise.”
Sex with my girlfriend always leaves me breathless.
She takes some blowing up.
My doctor just told me that I have paranoia.
I know he’s lying, but I can’t work out why.
I had a fling with a lady from my fencing club.
It was a rather sworded affair.
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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
“I’m okay I think.” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”
“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”
Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“My guess is that she’s still in the ditch.”
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To ride a horse or not to ride a horse?
That is equestrian.
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I picked up a can of fly spray in the shop and asked the assistant if it was any good for wasps.
She said “no, it kills them.”
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A customer in the supermarket knocked over a stack of milk bottles. She stood there with milk all over her clothes and shoes and burst into tears.
It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my old mum when things went wrong, so I went over and said “get a fucking grip you stupid cunt.”
Finally watched The Imitation Game about Alan Turing and the Enigma machine.
I’d never realised his sister, Kay, made all the lunches.
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“Just once,” complained my wife, “couldn’t you treat me like a princess?”
So I pimped her out to an arab and had them both killed.
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I used to be great at telling jokes, but nowadays I always seem to punch up the fuckline.
Some yob attacked me down the local park last night with a bat.
I was really impressed at how well he’d trained it.
When I asked my nine year old why he was so upset, he replied that his teacher had called me a bad parent.
“Finish your pint” I said, "and we’ll go and have it out with him.
So I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant
“What gets rid of coronavirus?”
She said “Ammonia cleaner.”
I said "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here…”
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Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near the House of Commons. The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said; ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as cubs. I just don’t get it’.
‘Well’, said the big bear, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Tory politicians, same as you’, replied the small bear.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings’.
‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’
‘Well, i hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then i jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat em’!
‘Ah!’ says the big bear. ‘I think i see your problem’. ‘You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Tory politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase’.
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I came home early from work, opened the bedroom door and saw my boss fucking my wife.
That was close, he nearly caught me.