Thereās new cleaning spray in the supermarket called Jolene.
Itās like Windolene, but with bigger tits.
Hang your head in shame phil. 
Wow. Not often I can find a bad joke more painful than yoursā¦
Oh waitā¦
Norman Hunter is in hospital suffering from the Coronavirus.
Doctors have been advised to stand well clear while he tackles it.
āDwarves might be only half as big as those around them, but they move at least twice as fast.ā
I remarked at the dwarf-throwing contest.
A vicar had an argument with his wife, which turned nasty. She threw detergent all over him.
Police are unsure whether to charge her with Domestic violence, or bleach of the priest.
Surely that should be Domestos violence?
I suspect the dead hand of autocorrect at work.
Happy Easterā¦ sad news
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of COVID-19.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Local strip club has gone tits up,Interflora is pruning its business and Dynorod has gone down the drain. The saddest one though is the ice cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldnāt take it any more and topped himself.
Are they showing āThe Two Ronniesā on Polish TV?
Nope. But Allo Allo is still on re-runs
A chink had a bat with his rice
Which doesnāt seem terribly nice
But he only ate that
cos heād finished the cat
And run out of stewed dog and fried mice.
What has 8 teeth and is 200 feet long?
The queue outside Lidl in Fratton.
A Man walks into a barā¦ lucky bastard!
Just saw a guinea pig cycling through the tulip market.
I think heās from Hamsterdam.
āIt stinks in this bedroom,ā said my wife. āOpen the fucking windows.ā
I said āwhat, and let out my pigeons?ā
Woman goes to the doctorā¦
Woman: Iāve got an embarrassing problem, not sure where to start, but itās to do with my downstairs areaā¦
Doctor: Nothing to be embarrassed about, Iāve been a Dr for 30 years and yours for 12, now whatās the problem?
Woman: Well, like I said itās my downstairs region, itās a bit, wellā¦ smelly, and I donāt know what to do about it.
Doctor: Is that all? I can assure you itās very a common issue, now why donāt you get undressed, pop yourself up on the bed and weāll have a little look and see if we can figure out whatās going on.
The woman does as sheās told and the Dr goes in for a closer look.
Doctor: Aha, hmmmm, yes I see, very interestingā¦
The doctor goes to his cupboard and returns with a 5 foot pole with a little metal hook on the end, the woman crosses her legs in panic,
Woman: Jesus fucking christ! what are you planning to do with that?!?
Doctor: Oh donāt worry, I just need to open these top windows for a bit.
Iāve just finished reading a book on Dance 1920 to 1961.
Thereās a twist at the end.