😆 Joke thread. (NSFW)

[scotty]

Isolating with my family has made me reassess the value I place on my close relationships.

And it has fucking plummeted.

[scotty]

At least Prince Charles’ isolation won’t interfere with his social life.

He still has his plants to chat with.

[Lets-B-Drinking]

Royal news:
Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19.

Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-15.

[Nottarf-Krap]

Oh dear. And Jennifer is 14!

[Lets-B-Drinking]

It was her birthday today.

[saintbletch]

All their lives my parents struggled to put food on the table.

They were dwarves.

[Lets-B-Drinking]

The girlfriend was complaining that I love football more than her.

“I’ll prove it” she said and opened her legs.

I nutmegged her.

[scotty]

I asked the librarian for a book on having sex with dwarves.

She sneered, “how can you stoop so low?”

I said “that’s the one.”

[ghq]

The teacher addressed the class:- We are having a lesson on syllables. Who can give me a three syllable word? Mary, the bright kid in the front row shoots her hand up and declares
please miss, Venerate. Very good says the teacher.Now can you give me a sentence containing that word? Please miss, If I worship you, I venerate you. Very good says the teacher. Anyone else? Little Johnny in the back row sticks his hand up. The teacher inwardly groans but says to go ahead, Johnny says Urinate. The teacher sighs and asks him for a sentence containing that word. Johnny says Please miss my Dad says you’re an eight but ifyou had bigger tits you’d be a ten!

[Lets-B-Drinking]

I’ve ordered my Covid-19 test kit from Amazon.

I want to make sure my neighbours don’t have the virus.

[scotty]

“The sign just says ‘Dancers Wanted, apply within’,” said the Race Relations guy. “Exactly who do you feel it discriminates against?”

I replied “white male heterosexuals.”

[Lets-B-Drinking]

I think we should all go out in the streets and applaud all those Amazon delivery drivers.

Any time between 9am and 6pm.

[Polski_Filip]

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never, ever give up.

Many years ago my mate’s missus came a close second in the Miss England 1997 competition.

Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck.

She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders.

She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident.

Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack.

Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged out in a fight outside a KFC takeaway.

The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts.

But she NEVER stopped believing and then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Scotland 2020

[Polski_Filip]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.’’
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house; I’m not saying that you “did not” take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you Mama

[Lets-B-Drinking]

I’ve just seen my Scouse neighbour climbing through his bathroom window.

“Locked yourself out?” I asked.

“No mate. I’m working from home.”

[Map-Of-Tasmania]

My wife says I don’t listen to her, or something like that

[Polski_Filip]

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home…

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Audi

Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver’s information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your Audi

[CB-Saint]

Foster's Beer Commercial

[PhilippineSaint]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started.

[scotty]

Paddy says to Mick, “I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond film has died after splitting her fanny open.”

Mick replies, “Honor Blackman?”

Paddy says, “No, on a dildo.”