😆 Joke thread. (NSFW)

[pap]

Tyson Fury is basically the real life version of one punch Mickey from Snatch.

[scotty]

Just tweeted @tonyblair under hashtags #iraq-war-justified and #new-labour-economic-miracle.

I think I’ve got the crony virus.

[Fowllyd]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet…

“How can you be so sure?” she protested… “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman…

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£1,500!” she cried,“£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £1,500.”

[Polski_Filip]

It is kind of ironic, sitting here behind closed borders to realise that Freedom of Movement has ended in Europe before the UK has restricted it let alone left

[CB-Saint]

The EU are proper howling about it

[saintbletch]

An old man’s wife sadly dies and he finds himself at the crematorium service.

Priest: “Do you have an questions?”
Old man: “Yes, what is the WiFi code?”
Priest: [Looking disgusted] “We are cremating your wife!”.
Old man: “Is that all in lower case?”

[Lets-B-Drinking]

I’ve just been for a course of acupunture.

Got home and found my voodoo doll was dead.

[scotty]

I’m out following an Andrex delivery van with my Korean neighbour.

I’m after the toilet rolls and he wants the labrador puppies.

[CB-Saint]

I got into so much trouble about the whole Korean eating dog thing

They are proper touchy about it

[scotty]

In that case, you need my all time favourite korean gag…

“Hello little girl,” I said. “Would you like a puppy?”

“No thanks,” she replied, “I’ve already eaten.”

It’s not easy being a paedophile in Korea.

[Nottarf-Krap]

An Irish couple had lost the spark in the bedroom, and sat down to discuss it. He says, " Murphy down the pub had the same problem, he spiced things up by making love in the wheelbarrow position, says it has changed his marriage, maybe we should try it". She says,“What’s the wheelbarrow position”?" Well, you get down on all fours, i pick you up by the ankles and ride you like pushing a wheelbarrow". She says “OK, i’ll have a go but promise me two things”. “If it hurts promise me you will stop” OK he says, i promise. “And second”? Promise me you won’t wheel me past my mother’s house".

[scotty]

If the fixtures cannot be completed then this season’s Premier League should be void.

They could award Liverpool with a trophy as recognition of their brilliant efforts, maybe a unique commemorative shield or Trophy

They could call it the Victory And Recognition Trophy…or the VAR Trophy for short.

[scotty]

I keep hearing theories that Covid-19 was really made by the Chinese as a biological weapon, but I don’t believe it.

If it was, why didn’t they just do like the boys at Porton Down? Test it out in Salisbury and blame the Russians?

[Lets-B-Drinking]

A bloke on a tractor has just driven by shouting " You are all going to die. The world will end."

I think it was Farmer Gedden.

[scotty]

I just watched a Clint Eastwood film called Hang 'em High.

I was expecting a movie about a particularly intolerant American school, but it turned out to be a Western.

[scotty]

There’s an organised display of appreciation for our emergency workers planned on the 26th March, called “Clap for our Carers”.

If it’s any help, I’ve already given the housekeeper gonorrhea.

[scotty]

“I’ve arranged a lovely Mother’s Day treat for you mum,” I said. “Chauffeur driven Rolls to Blenheim Palace where you’ll get Sunday roast, a helicopter ride over the estate, afternoon tea and then home again in the Rolls.”

“Ooh, lovely!!” she beamed.

“But I’m afraid it’s off,” I continued, “because of the corona virus. So you’ll have to make do with the usual fuck.”

[scotty]

Work as usual for me during the crisis, as I’m a key worker.

I love being a piano tuner.

[PhilippineSaint]

[PhilippineSaint]

Just called the RSPCA to tell them I’ve found six kittens in a suitcase by the side of the road.

the operator asked me if they were moving.
I said I hadn’t thought of that but it would explain the suitcase.