Why did God invent yeast infections?
So woman know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt.
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What’s the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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I’m not usually a fan of tribute acts, but this new SARS one is terrific.
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Just had a massive row with a customer.
I love working at the Boating Lake.
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“I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. In fact, I dread tooth ink.”
The hospital is taking too long to get a new cornea for my missus.
I need to find a faster wife-eye provider.
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I’ve got a new alarm clock which plays “Parklife” .
Except on Wednesday, when I get rudely awoken by the dustman.
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I suppose I ought to get that. 
But I don’t. 
Oh merciful heavens. 
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When Tyson Fury arrived back at Heathrow, the immigration officer asked for his name.
I said “don’t tell him, pikey.”
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Cunts
Wrong thread, unless you are a joke that offends people?
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Not sure what happened there.
Half a pint of lager probably, if that…
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I can’t remember but if my head is anything to go by I might have drunk the top half so that I could get to the bottom half.
Mistake.
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“It’s this cut on my face,” I told the nurse. “It scabs over, but never heals because my wife keeps catching it.”
“With her fingernails?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “Coming home at 3am with lipstick on it.”
“Got the new Schofield biography in yet?” I asked the bookseller.
“Came out last week,” he replied.
I said “that’s the one.”
At Anfield last night, Liverpool had over 70% possession, 34 shots, 11 on target, and still lost 3-2 to Atletico Madrid.
Makes a nice change for the scousers to get robbed on Merseyside, now they know how visitors feel.
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I was in Boots and asked the assistant what I should use to avoid Coronavirus.
“Ammonia cleaner” she replied.
“I’m sorry. I thought you worked here”
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