“Your grandmother sucks cock” is a pretty standard insult.
But it’s not so funny when she’s whispering it into your ear.
I never trust family members who refer to themselves in the third person.
There’s a long queue for the Mobile Breast Screening Unit in the car park.
Not only am I the only bloke in it, I’m also the only person carrying popcorn and tissues.
This is definitely worth 60 second read…
A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and are all just want, want, fucking want.
No wonder you are on you own, you deserve being left on the shelf. Now fuck off!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have some money and like a beer and a shag whenever you fancy!
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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“It’s definitely not the new Chinese virus,” said my doctor. “It’s not that far up there, but it is further up the scale than a regular cold.”
Here I am, stuck in the middle with flu.
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In Newcastle a lorry full of terrapins crashed head on into a lorry full of tortoises.
A local bystander was heard inaccurately describing it as ‘A turtle disaster’.
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What is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog all the time?
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It’s amazing how popular the Masked Singer series has become.
I’ve just been to China, and everyone there is doing it.
Officials have told us the Corona virus will not last long.
It’s made in China.
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My wife caught my son while he was masturbating.
Shortly after, I caught my daughter with a vibrator in her arse.
We’re an unusual trapeze act, but people seem to like it.
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I cant understand why girls wear tiny bikinis at the pool, but cover up fast if you see them in their bra and panties.
I didn’t climb this ladder for the good of my health.
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I wrote a book on cats.
I should have used paper.
Yesterday, Chapter Six got hit by a car.
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I always have trouble using a urinal when the gents is crowded with blokes.
It’s not anxiety, I just can’t piss through an erection.
Well stop flashing your tits you brazen hussy…giving yourself a hard-on. 