My girlfriend couldnāt understand why I was so upset when she told me that she had slept with 2 other blokes before we met.
I was only 10 mins late.
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Reports coming in that Cedric Soares was ejected from a Polling Booth this evening for failing to put a cross in the box.
Again
Nicked from Twitter
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Advice needed:
My children keep finding their Christmas presents that Iāve hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the atticā¦
So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the āIām afraid of the darkā or āI donāt like it up here - there are spidersā really got on my nerves. Any other suggestions?
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I thought it couldnāt get any worse when I overheard my parents having very loud sex.
But then my mother started groaning my name.
I think my girlfriend might be going off me.
Nowadays, before we have sex she asks for the rohypnol.
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āOh well, back to it,ā he said, finishing his pint. āThe final run up to Christmas is always my busiest time of year, no rest for me, unlike my clientsā¦ā he added with a wink.
The pub is the last place Iād have expected to run into the Grim Reaper.
I bought my wig from a discount store.
Didnāt want toupee full price.
If Prince Philip gets out of hospital in time for Christmas, heās unlikely to be able to walk unaided.
Heāll require a nobility scooter.
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I lost my Hebrew faith, but thanks to the miracle of Christmas Iāve returned to the fold.
Iāve been rejewvenated.
Not one of mine, but this made me laugh 
They say the sinking of the Titanic was a disaster.
āNo, it wasnāt,ā said all the lobsters on board.
Went up to the attic to get the kids xmas presents and found one from last year Iād overlooked.
Shame. They would have loved that puppy.
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We played Charades on Christmas Day. It was great, until my wife and mother-in-law did theirs.
I shouted āTwo Fat Ladies!!ā, but apparently they hadnāt started.
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I donāt know why everyoneās worried about Prince Philip.
If anything falls off him, heāll just grow a new one.
āCup of tea while youāre working?ā asked the customer.
āLovely, thanks,ā I smiled.
āHow do you take it?ā he asked.
āEarl Grey, strong,ā I replied. āPlenty of milk, gold top. One sugar, demerara, stirred anticlockwise with a silver teaspoon, not steel, it taints the drink. Warm the cup first, blue china, no decoration, dishwasher safe. Matching side plate, chocolate digestive, milk, not plain. Linen napkin for the crumbs.ā
" Iāve got PG Tips," he replied." The milkās skimmed, sugarās white, and my cutlery is all stainless steel. Iāve got a blue mug, but it has a City logo on it. Plain biscuits only, and the napkins are paper."
We looked at each other for a while, and I finally broke the silence.
āGot any Scotch?ā I asked.
āYes,ā he replied.
I said ālarge one, no ice.ā
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Stolenā¦thanks.
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Hang your head in shame, phil 
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