😆 Joke thread. (NSFW)

Monkey Tennis
342

Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?”

Cashier:“It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?”

Corbyn :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Jeremy corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

Cashier:“Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”

Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: “I am sorry, mr corbyn, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Corbyn,“Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.”

Cashier: “Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.”

“Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?”

Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don’t have a clue.”

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Corbyn. ?..

…:thinking::wink:

3 Likes
343

If Mark Blythe is correct that very joke could be the biggest political joke ever played and would be hilarious.

https://twitter.com/MkBlyth/status/1169352486743871495?s=20

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344

Arranging to meet my blind date this weekend, I described myself and then asked how I might recognise her.

“You can’t miss me,” she replied. “I’ll be wearing a poppy.”

345

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Dads Army.

Her name vill also go on ze list.

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346

My fruit and Veg shop has gone into liquidation, we are now selling smoothies

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347

I was introduced to the owner of Toyah wilcox’s favourite Chinese restaurant.

Its a Mr Wei.

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348

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349

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’
‘Eight’, the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four."
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”

2 Likes
350

After having taken many trips through the forest in route to grandma’s house, Little Red knew to be on the lookout for wolves. One Sunday, after making it safely through the woods and arriving at grandma’s house, she heard her grandmother scream! She charged through the door and yelled, grandma, I heard you scream and I thought you were being eaten by the wolf! Grandma came from the bedroom tying her robe, well I was…that is until you showed up!

351

It was Karaoke Night at our local and the landlord asked me if i was going to sing any Neil Diamond.

“I am” I said.

5 Likes
352

Gary Rhodes has passed away.

The music at his funeral will be played by his brother, Fender.

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353

The missus got home from work last night and asked if I missed her.

“Yes darling”, I replied. “The catapult needs a few tweaks”.

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354

I’m testing various wines for their aphrodisiac qualities.

I’ve got as far as a Semillon.

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355

I need to get rid of some of my combs.

Can’t decide which ones to part with.

6 Likes
356

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357

I’ve just had a superwank.

It’s like a normal one, but I was wearing a cape.

1 Like
358

I suffer from separation anxiety.

My wife left me and I’m terrified she’ll come back.

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359
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360

These gags are all well and good, but at this time of year we need to think of those less fortunate than ourselves. So if anyone knows of an elderly or lonely person who will be spending Christmas alone this year as they have no friends or close family nearby, can you let me know as i need to borrow some chairs.

4 Likes
361

We have 2 dozen spare in the servant’s dining hall if you need some. The annual Flu epidemic has taken out quite a few of the old retainers and with the looming shadow of Brexit we have not been able to recruit replacements from Eastern Europe.
Here’s hoping for a Liberal Democrat victory.

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