😆 Joke thread. (NSFW)

[BTripz]

What do you call a belt made from watches?

A waist of time…

[scotty]

That’s a red card offence, right there Straight red, no caution.

[scotty]

When I can’t decide on a DVD for the evening, I list all my favourites by number.

1= Dr Strangelove
2= The Shining
3= 2001: A Space Odyssey
4= A Clockwork Orange
5= Full Metal Jacket
6= Eyes Wide Shut

Then I roll a dice, and watch whichever number shows up.

I call it my Kubrick Cube.

[Fowllyd]

Her: My fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other’s bodies - what’s yours?

JRR Tolkein: *big breath in*

[scotty]

The world’s most prolific Facebook user died this week.

We shall never see his Like again.

[scotty]

My transgender son just bought himself a beautiful little vintage two-seater sports coupe, made by British Leyland, in Racing Green.

It’s an LGB GT.

[Lets-B-Drinking]

A friend of ours, who has a stutter, was telling a story about his Nana.

By the time he had finished we were all singing “Hey Jude”.

[scotty]

[PhilippineSaint]

[PhilippineSaint]

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap who’d had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
“You lying bastard!” she shouts," last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
“No,” he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team…

[PhilippineSaint]

Old Chinese proverb say, man with no grass in garden always look forlorn

[Lets-B-Drinking]

Someone has stolen Craig David’s ID.

He’s now called Craig Dav.

[PhilippineSaint]

My house is being haunted by the ghost of a dead chicken - it’s a poultrygeist.

[Lets-B-Drinking]

Me: I really fancy Beyonce.
Her: Whatever floats your boat.
Me: No dear. That’s buoyancy.

[BTripz]

Received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”
She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.
“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to fuck off.

[pap]

Politically correct bloke goes into a plant shop.

“Bonsai, please”

“Are you sure, sir? They’re very small”.

“Yes I am. I’m not into the bigotry”

[scotty]

My wife told me over dinner that I’m too childish for her.

I was so upset that I dropped my spoon and pusher.

[PhilippineSaint]

This is the biggest bonsai tree in the world

[scotty]

…and it was eagerly bought by an American.

[scotty]

Hassenhutl was asked if he could think of any reason why Saints might sack him.

“Nein,” he replied.