I watched the new leader of the LibDems on TV last night. I listened very carefully to what she had to say and the policies she proposed, and to how she intended to deliver them and make the country a better place for all.
I gave things my careful consideration and weighed up the alternatives and I ended up concluding “Nice tits”.
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People don’t believe me when I tell them I’m the singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band.
Well I am.
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
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Just named my bluetooth device “Titanic”
It’s syncing now.
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Terrible - I’ll raise you with:
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But cats can.
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And another:
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other: ‘Can you smell fish?’
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What did the blind man say when he walked past the fishmongers?
“Morning ladies”.
Sorry, a bit vulgar!
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Saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay this morning and thought to myself…
Wonder what his handicap is?
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Did someone mention golf?
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Name? Terry Waite
Specialist subject?
Lebanese interiors and radiators circa 87-91.
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A girl I know was sexually assaulted by a troupe of mime artists last night.
They did unspeakable things to her.
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No they fucking didn’t.
My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied lubricant
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My Grandparents were midgets.
For years they struggled to put food on the table.
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Congratulations to Spurs on winning the AUDI Cup.
And good luck to them in the upcoming LIDL Trophy.
My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.
He said “Hello Sir, you are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too".
I could see the problem…
Bat flattery
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My wife was asked to play Jabba the Hutt in an amateur production of Star Wars.
“Should I do it?” she mused. “It would mean a lot of messing around with makeup.”
“Certainly will,” I assured her. “You’ll definitely need to take it all off.”
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My missus is insisting I quit my job because she thinks it’s cruel we’ve started testing our new products on rabbits.
I suppose she’s got a point, I work in a hammer factory.
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