Iāve just heard it was Rod Argentās birthday yesterday.
I would like to have sent him a card, but no-one told me about it.
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A man walks into a pet shop and asks for a really unusual pet. Guy in charge says," We have a talking centipede, the most unusual pet we have ever had for saleā. " Look, itās got itās own little house and everything". Man says, āperfect, iāll take itā. Goes home, puts the little house on the sideboard and says, āYou get settled in, iāll come and see how youāre getting on a bit laterā. An hour later he tapped on the door of the little house and said,āIām going to the pub, are you coming with meā? No response, so he thought, perhaps heās a little shy, iāll try again in a minute. Five minutes later he tapped again,āCome on, come down the pub, we can have a game of darts, it will be fun, youāll enjoy itā. Still no response so the guy thinks, āiāve been conned hereā. āIāll give it one more goā Taps on the door and says," Last chance, iām leaving in five minutes". A voice comes from inside the little house, " I heard you the first time, iām putting my fucking shoes on".
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A man went to a fancy dress party with a naked woman on his back, claiming he was a snail.
The host asked him āhow can you possibly be a snail, all youāve got is a naked woman on your back?ā
The man answered āthatās not a naked woman, thatās Michelleā.
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Shagging the wife, I asked her to moan for me.
āSure,ā she grinned. āPut those fucking shelves up.ā
I glanced down and thought āyep, theyād probably fit.ā
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The only thing likely to offend with this joke is its age.
It was old even when Peter Kaye was using it for his stand up ācomedyā act.
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He got it from the scriptures, I believe.
It is a shame. I actually like Kayeās scripted material.
Iāve no fucking clue why he chooses to spend his stand up time asking people if they remember shit whilst simultaneously hoping they donāt remember another comic doing the same material.
Sounds much easier to write your own jokes.
Writing your own material takes skill & talent. Itās why weāre so lucky to have Baz
Most of the biggest comedians donāt write their own stuff. Boyle has written for Carr, others have written for Boyle. Stewart Lee is probably the most prominent writer-auteur out there, and does less business than any of the above.
Iām with Lee on this. I think stand ups should do their own material. Iāll always think less of those that donāt.
And yes, that means āfuck you, Dennis Learyā 
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Frank Carson is still my hero. NYE Booze cruise from Pompey. He was the cabaret. Very funny.
Later found ourselves sitting at same table. The responses put downs & one liners were purely natural. I was with the ex, I introduced her. Instantly he replied so Phil, whatās the difference between your wife & a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Damn he was also psychic
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Youād be surprised at how much material from the original sickipedia quickly found its way into mainstream television comedy, especially the up to date topical stuff like mock the week. I had a couple of gags lifted myself 
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Where did you go to get your bags lifted? Botox aināt my thing.
Asking for a friend.
Oh and maybe an optician. My bad
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I steal things maybe I was a Newcastle or Notts County supporter in a previous lifetime.
VAR is going to have many unwelcome consequences, not least that games will routinely run to 100 minutes or longer.
Which means Liverpool fans will start having a minuteās applause in the 96th.
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Darren Pencille is on trial.
You can draw your own conclusionsļ»æ.
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I donāt care what they say about Corbyn.
Nobody whoās fucked Diane Abbott can possibly be described as āfrailā.
Arsenal scouts descend on Clapham back garden to see if Kenyan stowaway is available for next season.
A source said: āheās quick down the wing, comes without baggage and will make a huge impact when he arrives.ā
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I went metal detecting for the first time today and wore my steel toed safety boots.
I was just finding my feet.
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