I got a new TV today in order to watch the play offs.
Trouble was when I opened the box there were no Leeds in it.
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nicked
Ladbrokes are offering 7/1 on Lauda surviving the cremation.
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…and no Dancing on Ice…no Skates. 
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Police are investigating an episode of ‘Bargain Hunt’ filmed in Liverpool
after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget
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I would legit watch a show based on this premise.
This is sadly as good as it gets. Dickheads openly admitting their crimes.
Fishing Honeymooner 
It’s a nice sunny day so Jim decides to go fishing at his usual spot at a local river. Taking up his usual place, he is surprised to see another guy sitting on the opposite side of the river. When Jim leaves that evening the stranger is still sitting there.
When Jim comes back early the next morning, the stranger is there again and is still fishing when Jim leaves at night.
This happens for a few days until Jim can’t contain his curiosity any more. He walks up to the stranger and says, “Excuse me, I can’t help noticing that every morning when I arrive you are sitting there, and you’re still there when I leave every night. Don’t you have a home to go to?”
“I’m on my honeymoon,” replies the stranger. “My wife is in that log cabin up there on the hillside.”
“Shouldn’t you be up there screwing her then?” says Jim.
“I can’t. She’s got gonorrhea,” says the stranger.
“What about doing it in her tradesman’s entrance?”
“Can’t. She’s got diarrhoea.”
“Well, couldn’t you get her to give you a blow job?”
“Nope. She’s got pyorrhea.”
“That’s terrible,” says Jim. “Why did you marry her then?”
“For the maggots.”
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Man rings his doctor. “Doctor. I think I might be incontinent.”
Doctor. “Where are you ringing from?”
Man. “From the waist down.”
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About three weeks ago a mate of mine was out driving in town when he saw the white flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past again at a snail’s pace.
Now three weeks later, He’s received six fines for driving without a seat belt…!
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A guy from the RSPCA knocked on my door this morning.
He said, “We’ve had a complaint that you’ve been overfeeding your cat. Apparently it weighs the best part of four stone.”
I said, “It’s not a cat.”
“Oh” he replied, “There must be a mistake, is it a dog?”
I said, “No, it’s a hamster.”
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I didn’t like that motorway trip much. The overhead signs kept showing messages about fucking my mother, then the guy at the pay booth took my money, called me a paedo and told me to kill myself.
I think it was the M6 Troll.
After a freak cycling accident my mate’s testicles are hanging on by a thread. I asked the nurse how he was getting on, she told me “he’s holding his own”.
It was bad enough Sadiq Khan insulting Trump on the air.
But the government really put the boot in when they sent the poor cunt to visit Portsmouth.
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I asked in the bookshop if they had the new one about sexual innuendo.
She said “I can get it in for you.”
All of Jack Dee’s children are clever, but it appears Ellie is the brightest.
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In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.
In walks a tart who squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.
When she’s finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment, there’s a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts … … Oi you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off
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Man walks into a bookshop and asks the assistant.
“Got any books on tortoises?”
“Hard back?”
“Yes with tiny heads.”
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