Is he, Dignitas not playing for Everton at left back this evening ?
NB Everton are killing it at the moment.
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A woman turned 80 years old. She was an avid golfer, so she decided to move to Florida and join a country club.
On her first day at her new club, she was told that there wasnât anybody else available for a game just then. Seeing her disappointment, and wanting to make her feel welcome, the female assistant pro offered to play with her, and asked her how many strokes she wanted for a bet.
The older woman said, "I donât think I need any strokes, Iâve been playing great lately. I just have a heck of a time getting out of sand traps.
True to her word, the 80 year old played beautifully. When they came to the par four 18th, she and the pro were all even. The pro hit a gorgeous tee shot, knocked her next one on the green, and two-putted for par.
The older lady hit a great drive, but her second shot landed in a steep-sided bunker next to the green. Playing from the sand, she lofted a high, soft shot. It came down a few feet from the cup and rolled in for a birdie, winning her the match and all the money.
The 80 year old was still standing in the trap when the pro walked over and said, "Beautiful shot! I thought you said you had a problem getting out of traps?
âI really do,â the 80 year old replied. âWould you mind giving me a hand?â
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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Bill and Donna .
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing whatâs natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Donna felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Bill was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Bill managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Billâs resistance to natureâs urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Bill began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Donna.
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That is SO WRONG. 
âŠbut I laughed. 
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To be fair the only comeback that could top Liverpool and Tottenham is Madeleine McCann!!!
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Iâm shocked, appalled and disgusted with Danny Baker.
I never thought that he, of all people, would stoop to using Twitter.
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Ha ha! Reminds me of another old gag.
A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.
The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.
After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash.
He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it isâŠits Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.
One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.
She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
âKylie,â he says, âThe last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. Weâve found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I canât help feeling thereâs something missing.â
Kylie replies: âWhat my darling? What is it that you need? Iâll do anythingâ.
âWell there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?â
âOKâ
âAnd my trousers?â
âOKâ
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.
âOK⊠Can you start to walk around the island, and Iâll set off the other way and meet you half way.â
âOK dear, whatever will make you happy?â
So off they set.
After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you wonât believe who Iâm shaggingâ!!
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My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost him ÂŁ35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral
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A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, âAs crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.â
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that theyâd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wifeâs room.
After a few minute s the womanâs monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. âWhat happened!?â they cried.
The husband said, âIâm not sure, maybe she chokedâ.
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âCertainly,â I replied. âMy wifeâs best friend on Monday and Tuesday, my secretary Wednesdays and Thursdays, the cleaner on Friday night and the babysitter over the weekend.â
âVery nice,â said the doctor. âBut when I asked if your affairs were in orderâŠâ
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Patient⊠âdoctor I canât sexually satisfy my missusâ
Doctor âyes I know⊠Join the fucking club!â
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A friend told me that she wanted to get in touch with her inner self.
I told her to keep buying her bog roll from Lidl.
In bed with the wife, she said âcan we do it Liverpool style?â
âWhatâs that?â I asked.
She said âI want you to spend ages on top, and come second.â
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Niki Lauda has died, aged 70.
His family are getting a 50% discount on the cremation because heâs already half doneï»ż.
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âI see that famous Austrian Grand Prix driver has died.â
âLauda?â
âI SAID, I SEE THAT FAMOUS AUSTRIAN GRAND PRIX DRIVER HAS DIED!ï»żï»ż!!â
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Shame
Jamie Oliverâs Restaurants have just gone into adminestrone.
This came up again in a German newspaper today, a story from Nikki Lauda from way back when
It was one of those US morning shows that came to the NĂŒrburgring, and the reporter, what a woman, tall, blonde, fully equipped, she wanted to interview me at the accident site. They had said âUi, he will cry for sure, that will be a great emotional moment! But I took a croissant from the hotel buffet and put it in the grass first.â She starts "Mister Lauda how is it to be here? I Say, âjust a momentâ and take a few steps in the grass. She asks âwhat are you doing?â I pick up the croissant and say âoh look hereâs my earâ That was it, she lost the plot and they had to do it all over again.
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Didnât you just cross post that??
probably.
Iâve been out.
Itâs been raining all day.
Thereâs an election.
I havenât had a beer all week.
etc
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God created 0rgasms so that women could moan even when they are happy!
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