😆 Joke thread; may cause offence (with a bit of luck) 🤮 😠

[Lets-B-Drinking]

My friend said he couldn’t understand the need for cloning.

I said that makes two of us.

[scotty]

“GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS UP… NOW!!!” I screamed.

I didn’t last long as a gynaecology tutor.

[scotty]

I don’t have a problem with male premature ejaculation.

Except I’d rather it was called female delayed orgasm.

[PhilippineSaint]

A dwarf was drinking in a bar when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person”
The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get the shit kicked out of me”
“It’s ok” said the woman “ my husband is working away until next week “
So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman.
Well, they start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens.
“Shit, it’s my husband “ she said
“ quick, hang out of the bedroom window, and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away”
So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips.
The husband comes in the bedroom and says “ fuck, it’s cold in here” and slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground.
Well the woman is distraught and calls an ambulance.
A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital
“How are you” ? She asked
“Well my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion “ he said
“Oh dear” she said
“Still , it could have been much worse “
“Much worse ???” Said the dwarf
“How do you figure that out”
“Well” she says’’…
“It’s lucky I live in a bungalow!!..

[PhilippineSaint]

[scotty]

We have two rottweilers, a mastiff and a pitbull terrier.

On the one hand, we’ve never been burgled.

On the other, we haven’t seen the kids for ages.

[PhilippineSaint]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them… they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”

[scotty]

I’m not saying that I’m unfaithful.

But my mechanic tells me I need a new two-timing belt.

[Numptyboi]

Is he a good shag?

[scotty]

Ask ur mum

[Lets-B-Drinking]

If you get into a pillow fight with Death, just be ready for the Reaper Cushions.

[scotty]

I’ve just splattered all over my girlfriend’s face and hair.

I was teaching her how to pronounce Llanelli.

[PhilippineSaint]

One finger up = Up yours
Two fingers up = Fuck off
Six fingers up = Welcome to Portsmouth

[Cobham-Saint]

Oh, my word. Brought to you by the Mirror

Foot fetish fans can now buy silicone feet with built-in vaginas

[scotty]

A very sad day today . After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

[Cobham-Saint]

[PhilippineSaint]

A man walks into the doctors with a piece of lettuce poking from his
arse. The doctor examines him and says, “Is that all that’s wrong with you?” The
man replies “No doc… I’m afraid that’s just the tip of the iceberg”

[scotty]

My mate told me he’d nicknamed his wife’s vagina “The Tardis”.

“Because it’s bigger inside than out?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “Because she’s had 13 doctors and a dog in it.”

[scotty]

Nowadays, every successful company needs positive online reviews from satisfied customers.

So, why aren’t there any at all for Dignitas?

[Lets-B-Drinking]

I used to go out with a girl who loved pleasuring herself with my cricket bat.

Strange girl that Lindsey Doyle.