Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. “Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
“Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson.
“Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”
“Very good, Sam. Thank you.”
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.
“Fancy a glass of mulled Rioja?” asked my mate.
I said “wine hot.”
That is so bad I’ve nicked it.
Wish my Polish was that good tbh
What do Heather Mills and PSG have in common?
The second leg is just for show.
Shortly after his divorce from Heather Mills, Sir Paul McCartney was interviewed by a lifestyle magazine.
Interviewer: “So, Sir Paul, could you ever see yourself going down on one knee again?”
Sir Paul: “Look, I know we’ve just divorced and everything, but I think that’s a bit disrespectful. Can’t you just refer to her as Heather?”
Reminds me a of Fighting Talk episode - it was around the time that there was that fuss when she was flying business and she had shoved her kids in economy.
On of the panel came up with the immortal line “what is she doing in business class anyway, it’s not like she needs the leg room”
Also the story about Macca buying her a plane for her birthday ---- and a Phillips Ladyshave for her other leg.
It’s all getting silly now, after that tweet about armed police at matches, Scotland and England are in a real-life Gunn battle
Heard something on the radio about Emiliano Sala and his former team in France.
I had no idea he was a nonce.
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well… There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
The strangest thing happened to me last night. I put my dinner in the oven as normal, big old scran and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it. To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace.
That’s the last time I buy fucking McCann’s Oven Chips
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"The doctor says, “At least wait until he’s walking.”
My wife saw me eying up a couple of girls in miniskirts, and snapped “I’m the bird in the hand that’s worth two in the bush.”
I thought “can’t argue with that, she’s definitely a burden.”
After we first had sex, my wife couldn’t sit down for a week.
That’s how hard she was laughing.
There’s a new discount supermarket opening up next to the Spurs site in White Hart Lane.
Yidl.
I finished chucking the stuff out of the van into a field, then noticed a sign on the fence.
NO TIPPING.
“Fair enough,” I thought. “I was going to leave them a couple of quid, but in that case I won’t bother.”
I was walking down the road the other day when a bloke chucked a piece of farmhouse cheddar at me out of his car window.
“That’s very mature” I thought.