A corker there, from sickipedia. 
Which incidentally seems to have disappeared today. 
Error 500.
As I walked into the shop, a bloke in uniform snapped â2 fucking metres, you cunt.â
Theyâre antisocial distancing.
1 Like
I just rang B & Q to ask how big the queue was.
The girl on the phone told me it was the same size as the B.
8 Likes
My nephew goes to a Kindergarten where they teach Spanish.
He canât say âpleaseâ yet, which I think is poor for 4.
9 Likes
Whatâs the connection between a KFC and shagging your missus?
When you take the meat out youâre left with a greasy box!!
1 Like
Iâm not saying my daughterâs school is rough.
But when she got sent home for refusing to dissect a frog, it wasnât a biology lesson, it was French Practical.
1 Like
After my computer crashed, I searched for âcorrupted files, pcâ.
It took me straight to the West Yorkshire Police homepage.
2 Likes
An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face.
âWhat are you so happy about?â asks the landlord.
âWell, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks.I cut her free, took her back to mine and we shagged all nightâ.
âDid you get a blow job?â asks the landlord?"
"Noâ⌠he says, âI never found the head.â
5 Likes
Six months after the birth of her fifth child, a woman decided that things needed tidying up â down belowâ, so she booked herself in for a vaginal tuck. When she woke up after the operation there were three bunches of flowers on the table by the bed. One from her surgeon to say all went well. One from her husband, âGet well soon, I love you very muchâ. And one from Tommy in the burns unit, âThank you for the new earsâ.
4 Likes
As the warder locked the door behind me, my new cellmate said âWelcome to Poundland.â
âWhy do you call it that?â I asked.
Two hours later, Iâm wishing Iâd kept quiet.
4 Likes
Reminds me of the story about the terrified young lad arriving for his first night in prison. The cell door slammed behind him and his cell mate, an old lag, shook his hand and said, âright, letâs get the rules sorted outâ. âDo you want to be mummy or daddyâ? He stammered that he didnât want to be either, but if he had to be one or the other he would rather be daddy. The old lag replied, âgood, thatâs that sorted out, now get over here and give mummy a blow jobâ.
4 Likes
My wife was trying to log into her favourite fashion website. âI canât remember my four letter pin code,â she frowned, "what do you reckon Iâd have used? It must have been something obvious⌠"
I said âtry XXXLâ.
6 Likes
With all the hand sanitisers in pubs, everyone looks like theyâre hatching a dastardly plan.
1 Like
If Hitler hadnât killed himself, and went on trial at NurembergâŚ
âYou are charged with the genocidal murder of six million Jews, and of starting the most destructive war in human history. How do you plead?â
Hitler: âIâm vegan.â
Shamelessly stealing @scotty material for the next 2 weeks while waiting for rain to stop in Southampton
AN AGE THING:-
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, âdrink responsiblyâ means donât spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00pm is the new midnight.
Itâs the start of a brand new day, and Iâm off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, âThe other day,â I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
Cop: "Please step out of the car."Me: âIâm too drunk. You get in.â
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. Iâm negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesnât fit any of your containers.
If youâre sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, âDid you bring the money?â
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say ânothing,â it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and donât know whose side Iâm on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, âWhy, what did you hear?â
I donât remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I donât mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please donât use words like âeast.â
Donât bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. Thatâll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
3 Likes
I wondered why my new girlfriendâs nickname was The Juggler.
Until my mates told me she likes one up, one down, and one in her hand.
âAt the end of the day,â my dad always said, âthe most important thing is that nobody got hurt.â
Nice man. Hopeless boxer.
3 Likes
Iâm in for some good luck today because a black cat crossed my path.
Mind you, Iâm not sure that still counts after I ran it over.
1 Like