I bought my wig from a discount store.
Didn’t want toupee full price.
If Prince Philip gets out of hospital in time for Christmas, he’s unlikely to be able to walk unaided.
He’ll require a nobility scooter.
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I lost my Hebrew faith, but thanks to the miracle of Christmas I’ve returned to the fold.
I’ve been rejewvenated.
Not one of mine, but this made me laugh 
They say the sinking of the Titanic was a disaster.
“No, it wasn’t,” said all the lobsters on board.
Went up to the attic to get the kids xmas presents and found one from last year I’d overlooked.
Shame. They would have loved that puppy.
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We played Charades on Christmas Day. It was great, until my wife and mother-in-law did theirs.
I shouted “Two Fat Ladies!!”, but apparently they hadn’t started.
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I don’t know why everyone’s worried about Prince Philip.
If anything falls off him, he’ll just grow a new one.
“Cup of tea while you’re working?” asked the customer.
“Lovely, thanks,” I smiled.
“How do you take it?” he asked.
“Earl Grey, strong,” I replied. “Plenty of milk, gold top. One sugar, demerara, stirred anticlockwise with a silver teaspoon, not steel, it taints the drink. Warm the cup first, blue china, no decoration, dishwasher safe. Matching side plate, chocolate digestive, milk, not plain. Linen napkin for the crumbs.”
" I’ve got PG Tips," he replied." The milk’s skimmed, sugar’s white, and my cutlery is all stainless steel. I’ve got a blue mug, but it has a City logo on it. Plain biscuits only, and the napkins are paper."
We looked at each other for a while, and I finally broke the silence.
“Got any Scotch?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied.
I said “large one, no ice.”
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Stolen…thanks.
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Hang your head in shame, phil 
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I pointed out a warning slogan to my girlfriend, “When the fun stops, STOP!!”
“That’s for gambling,” she scowled. “Not premature ejaculation.”
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Premature for who ?
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There’s no such thing anyway. If women can’t keep up, that’s their problem
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Someone once told me sex should last more than 7 seconds.
I’m not saying my new girlfriend is kinky.
But when I told her my favourite song is “April Showers,” she pissed on my face.
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