😆 Joke thread; may cause offence (with a bit of luck) 🤮 😠

[Fowllyd]

Her: My fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other’s bodies - what’s yours?

JRR Tolkein: *big breath in*

[scotty]

The world’s most prolific Facebook user died this week.

We shall never see his Like again.

[scotty]

My transgender son just bought himself a beautiful little vintage two-seater sports coupe, made by British Leyland, in Racing Green.

It’s an LGB GT.

[Lets-B-Drinking]

A friend of ours, who has a stutter, was telling a story about his Nana.

By the time he had finished we were all singing “Hey Jude”.

[scotty]

[PhilippineSaint]

[PhilippineSaint]

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap who’d had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
“You lying bastard!” she shouts," last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
“No,” he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team…

[PhilippineSaint]

Old Chinese proverb say, man with no grass in garden always look forlorn

[Lets-B-Drinking]

Someone has stolen Craig David’s ID.

He’s now called Craig Dav.

[PhilippineSaint]

My house is being haunted by the ghost of a dead chicken - it’s a poultrygeist.

[Lets-B-Drinking]

Me: I really fancy Beyonce.
Her: Whatever floats your boat.
Me: No dear. That’s buoyancy.

[BTripz]

Received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”
She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.
“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to fuck off.

[pap]

Politically correct bloke goes into a plant shop.

“Bonsai, please”

“Are you sure, sir? They’re very small”.

“Yes I am. I’m not into the bigotry”

[scotty]

My wife told me over dinner that I’m too childish for her.

I was so upset that I dropped my spoon and pusher.

[PhilippineSaint]

This is the biggest bonsai tree in the world

[scotty]

…and it was eagerly bought by an American.

[scotty]

Hassenhutl was asked if he could think of any reason why Saints might sack him.

“Nein,” he replied.

[Polski_Filip]

Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?”

Cashier:“It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?”

Corbyn :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Jeremy corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

Cashier:“Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”

Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: “I am sorry, mr corbyn, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Corbyn,“Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.”

Cashier: “Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.”

“Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?”

Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don’t have a clue.”

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Corbyn. ?..

…

[Saint-or-sinner]

If Mark Blythe is correct that very joke could be the biggest political joke ever played and would be hilarious.

https://twitter.com/MkBlyth/status/1169352486743871495?s=20

[scotty]

Arranging to meet my blind date this weekend, I described myself and then asked how I might recognise her.

“You can’t miss me,” she replied. “I’ll be wearing a poppy.”