When I canât decide on a DVD for the evening, I list all my favourites by number.
1= Dr Strangelove
2= The Shining
3= 2001: A Space Odyssey
4= A Clockwork Orange
5= Full Metal Jacket
6= Eyes Wide Shut
Then I roll a dice, and watch whichever number shows up.
I call it my Kubrick Cube.
Her: My fantasy is eating whipped cream off each otherâs bodies - whatâs yours?
JRR Tolkein: *big breath in*
The worldâs most prolific Facebook user died this week.
We shall never see his Like again.
My transgender son just bought himself a beautiful little vintage two-seater sports coupe, made by British Leyland, in Racing Green.
Itâs an LGB GT.
A friend of ours, who has a stutter, was telling a story about his Nana.
By the time he had finished we were all singing âHey Judeâ.
A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap whoâd had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
âYou lying bastard!â she shouts," last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
âNo,â he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display teamâŚ
Old Chinese proverb say, man with no grass in garden always look forlorn
Someone has stolen Craig Davidâs ID.
Heâs now called Craig Dav.
My house is being haunted by the ghost of a dead chicken - itâs a poultrygeist.
Me: I really fancy Beyonce.
Her: Whatever floats your boat.
Me: No dear. Thatâs buoyancy.
Received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called âout-of-the-blueâ to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldnât believe it when she asked if Iâd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that âold magicâ.
âWow!â I was flabbergasted.
âI donât know if I could keep pace with you nowâ, I said, âIâm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I donât really have the energy I used to have.â
She just giggled and said she was sure I would ârise to the challengeâ.
âYeah.â I said. âJust so long as you donât mind a waistline thatâs a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle toneâŚeverything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!â
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, âIâve put on a few pounds myself!â
So I told her to fuck off.
Politically correct bloke goes into a plant shop.
âBonsai, pleaseâ
âAre you sure, sir? Theyâre very smallâ.
âYes I am. Iâm not into the bigotryâ
My wife told me over dinner that Iâm too childish for her.
I was so upset that I dropped my spoon and pusher.
âŚand it was eagerly bought by an American.
Hassenhutl was asked if he could think of any reason why Saints might sack him.
âNein,â he replied.
Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, âGood morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?â
Cashier:âIt would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?â
Corbyn :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didnât think there was any need to. I am Jeremy corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.
Cashier:âYes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.â
Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: âI am sorry, mr corbyn, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.â
Corbyn,âCome on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.â
Cashier: âLook sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.â
âAnother time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?â
Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, âHonestly, my mind is a total blankâŚthere is nothing that comes to my mind. I canât think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I donât have a clue.â
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Corbyn. ?..
âŚ
If Mark Blythe is correct that very joke could be the biggest political joke ever played and would be hilarious.
